


Covered scars

by secretroom



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Torture, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2019-07-07 19:24:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15914703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretroom/pseuds/secretroom
Summary: The core idea is that Thomas was abused by a footman in his first year at Downton Abbey and said footman comes back to Downton Abbey exposing long kept secrets.It plays after season five but before season six.





	1. distance

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to try myself at writing fan fiction and thereby to practice my English.
> 
> If people are interested to read more despite my still lacking language skills, please leave a comment. Criticism both story-wise and in terms of linguistic errors are welcome!
> 
> I think it is obvious that this is not beta'd ;)
> 
> Enjoy... hopefully

Once he believed that somewhere out there the world was different, that there was something other than this dark pit of wrath cruelty and pain he had existed in, existed but never lived.  
He had longed for living as long as he could remember and once he thought he had found it…

How very naïve he had been.

Mindlessly Thomas stroked the big scar over his heart and wondered how some clothes could hide so much. Hiding was so easy and so impossible at the same time. Layer upon layer covered stories of wrongs and lost dreams. Sometimes Thomas wondered what other people hid under their clothes. Had they scars like him? Once again, his hand went to the scar now concealed, would he ever be able to not notice and remember his past?

A snort escaped him when he looked around the very room that hid his past even better than Thomas. Too man memories were ingrained in these walls for Thomas to feel safe and yet it was the only place where he could relax and simply be. Why did everything had to be so complicated? Absentminded his hand cramped over the scar.

Never again, he swore and straightened his collar one last time before going down to meet with Mr. Carson. Most days Thomas reveled in his new-found status as underbutler not that many showed him any more respect for it, but he assumed that was to be expected. He knew that most of his colleagues hated or were indifferent to him as a person. They mostly tolerated him for his status in the hierarchy and kept their distance. It was this distance that Thomas relied on more than anything and he deliberately added further reasons to maintain this precious distance. Distance meant safety and in the long run that was all Thomas could really hope for how bleak a realization that might be. Maybe one day he could indeed accept his life for what it was.

Oh, damn it, stop it already you big sissy, he rebuked himself. There was no point in indulging self-pity however tempting it seemed. Justice wasn’t something he was entitled to, he could only hope that one beautiful day he could grant it to himself by leaving Downton Abbey and Mr. Carson forever.

That was the crux of Thomas existence it seemed – hope. What a fragile but so persistent feeling. Thomas had hopes as a child, he had hopes when he arrived here, he had hopes in finding love with Jimmy and he had hopes to finally find happiness when he participated in this fake example of therapy. Hope is the main reason of all unhappiness in the world in his opinion. And yet he still hoped because he was a romantic.

For instance, he hoped that Mr. Carson had forgotten that he wanted him to teach the new hallboys how to probably treat silver but once again his hope was shattered entering the butler’s office.

»Ah, Mr. Barrow. I already selected some old silver that you can use as learning material«, were the greeting words of his most beloved superior.

Faking the minimum of expected enthusiasm Thomas nodded in acknowledgment.

Of course Mr. Carson couldn’t leave it at that and reminded him with a reproachful cadence to his voice and a disapproving glance, »Mr. Barrow, I would like to remind you that it is one of the most important duties of a butler to instruct and teach one’s subordinates and to do it with the upmost compassion and strictness.«

He could at least wait until I actually done something like throttle a hallboy, Thomas thought.

Trying his hardest not to smile at the hypocrisy of the man, Thomas answered in the affirmative.

He remembered very well how compassionate and instructive Mr. Carson had been to him. What a saint the appraised butler of Downton Abbey was, a true example of fairness and honor. Not that Mr. Carson did not possess these qualities it just so happened that he seemed to forget his principles whenever he had to deal with Thomas.

Well, one of Thomas principles was, just smile and carry on, one day I will smile down on him and his likes. At least that was Thomas mantra while supervising Andy’s and Mr. Moseley's work before they all sat down for breakfast.

A hot tea and a full stomach could do wonder to every mood and Thomas needed some uplifting feelings.

He still missed Miss Sibby dearly and he had planned to spend some quality time with Master George and Miss Marigold after breakfast but now he was destined to endure mediocrity and the not so subtle whispers and knowing looks of three beatniks.

Thomas should feel grateful for not been send to the gallows years ago, when his – how did Mr. Carson put it so nicely? – ‘foul nature’ had been exposed and he was. He was grateful for being tolerated and ignored which was sadly the most he could ask for but it did not make it any easier to ignore the rumors, the hostile glances whenever he went into town or the pity in Anna’s eyes when he had looked at Jimmy or their reproach when he tried to spend time with Andy. As if a gay man could only want one thing from another male.

Oh please! Couldn’t people just mind their own bloody business? What was it for them to look down on him as if they ranked so much higher in society than he? Did one mistake with Jimmy really brand him as predatory monster who jumped at any male in close distance?

No, he concluded while eating his porridge, none of them had the right to pretend to be better than him, he knew better after all. Even Anna wasn’t free of guilt. And he was no monster, at least not in that regard. No, never in that regard. He couldn’t. even the mere thought of…

Thomas tried to wash away his guilt over Jimmy with some more tea. One couldn’t compare those instances. They were totally different and Thomas had done everything to try and right that wrong. Nothing that could be said about that man. Thomas didn’t delude himself by thinking he was a good person, he used to be, he wanted to be, but circumstances had asked for something else entirely. Looking at the few leaves of teas that had escaped the strainer and were now decorating the bottom of his cup, he wondered how different his life could have been, if people had cared, cared to take a look, to take some interest in his well-being but that was pointless. He had to look out for himself and only himself that was the safest way.


	2. disrespect

For being explained what to do these munchkins sure acted like they were born yesterday – and seriously they could have been.

They looked and behaved like oversized toddlers just in teenager costumes and certainly not half as adorable as Master George who very likely would have done a better job with the silver. Thomas couldn’t possibly be as old as he felt in this moment. At the very least, he reassured himself contentedly, he had never been this incompetent and hardly anything had been explained to him. He had just watched and learned, not like Alfred or these annoying brats, who seemed to think that he could not hear their whispered remarks and see their obscene hand-gestures under the table standing three feeds away from then in the butler’s office checking Mr. Carson’s calculation of spending’s for the next week. Likely they just didn’t care. Well, that could be changed.

»I thought I ordered you to work quietly?«

 

»We’re sorry, Mr. Barrow. Alan just told us about his weekend playing cricket with his dad«, said Gerald without blinking and Thomas had indeed the urge to throttle the little rat, who had the audacity to call him dirty fag within earshot and lie to him so blatantly. At least they could be subtler, and Thomas concluded that he would give them another lesson today.

  
Keeping his voice as even as possible Thomas said, »Well since you have so much to talk about, how about helping Mr. Collins mucking out the stables after you finished here? Such a mundane task is made for idle talking.«

  
Alan and Gerald wanted to argue, but he silenced them with one look and they nodded disgruntled. Of course, that only served to steer their distaste and rumblings on, but the thought of them in dirt doing extra-work made it bearable and put a small smile on his lips. He never said, he was a saint, after all.

  
Not that this could keep Thomas happy for long.

Their behavior was just the effect of his colleges reproach against him spending time with Andy and Andy avoiding him now. How could these boys not see their behavior justified, if the adults treated him like this? Which left Thomas to endure the disrespect of subordinates, nothing more than children at that. But any discussion of their actions would ultimately lead to a topic and a possible outing with severe consequences Thomas liked to avoid at all costs. After all, all it took was one hallboy telling his parents, who could decide to investigate this and they or the police would likely find something incriminating against him. It was safer to ignore them as best as he could while they called him names.

  
Well, except for Alexander, who just seemed to nod, sharing a few short smiles with the other two and was otherwise preoccupied with the silver in front of him.

Thomas would have applauded him for his attentive work, but he had seen to many hallboys to think the boy merely thought about his work. He was way too silent and still for it be a natural character trait of a fourteen-year-old teenager and no-one was that thrilled about polishing silver. Certainly, the boy was hiding something, the question was what did he hide, and would it be worth the trouble to investigate it? For now, it would probably the best to keep an eye on him, in case something interesting or worrisome came up. Thomas may not be very keen on hallboys but he made a promise to himself a long time ago to protect them from real danger, dangers Mr. Carson seemed entirely obvious to.

  
Speaking of which, said butler chose this moment to enter looking mildly pleased to see the silver still in one piece. Inspecting the silver more closely he nodded in approval and said, »Ah, I see everything is ready? Wonderful timing, the hallboys are needed in the dining room.«

  
Of course Alan spoke up at once, »I am sorry, Mr. Carson but Mr. Barrow has ordered as to help Mr. Collins mucking out the stables, when we are finished here?«

 

Seemingly shocked at the idea Mr. Carson turned to Thomas, »Mucking out the stables? Why would you order a hallboy to do stable-work?«

Holding his ground Thomas replied, »They did not pay the needed attention to their work and engaged in personal amusements instead. I am sure that demands a chastisement?«

 

Despite giving his assent he dismissed Thomas objection immediately, »It certainly does, however I need them to help the maids with the carpet in the dining room, so I am afraid that Mr. Collins has to do his work by himself. You on the other hand are needed in the library. Please go up at once and send Mr. Moseley down to the dining room to assist Andrew with carrying the furniture out of the room so that the maids and the hallboys can get to work.« Knowing better Thomas could not help but ask, »Wouldn’t it be easier, if I just helped Andy?«

  
»Oh, no!«, Mr. Carson exclaimed somewhat too loudly even for his standards and continued in a more even voice, »I mean, you as underbutler should not be bothered by such a mundane task as you so often reminded me.«

  
You had no such reservations, when you ordered me to bring the set of garden chairs and tables into the storeroom on my own last weekend, Thomas thought bitterly. It did not help his mood that the hallboys snickered behind their hands despite Mr. Carson giving them the eye.

  
Nodding, he conceded, »Of course Mr. Carson, I’ll go right away.«

 

»Very good, Mr. Barrow«, Mr. Carson answered approvingly and turned around to instruct the hallboys how to store the silver properly.

 

Disgruntled Thomas made his way up to the library passing the dining room where Andy had already begun to move the furniture out of the way.

 

Seeing Thomas Andrew stopped and asked nervously, »Oh, Mr. Barrow. I thought Mr. Moseley would help me.«

 

Trying not to show how much it hurt him to see Andy treating him like the plague, he answered, »He will, I am just on my way to relieve him in the library.« In the library where I can’t take advantage of any footman halfway close to my age, he added in his thoughts and pretended not to hear the relief in Andy’s voice, »Oh, Ok. Good. I wouldn’t want to bother you with this.«

Bothering him? What bothered him was that someone he considered a friend and helped not only to get his money back but also to get a job was now seeing him as something foul, a monster ready to attack. Resisting the urge to scratch his scar, he merely nodded and excused himself.

 

Maybe in time Andy would see reason… maybe.


	3. Hate is different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and comments! 
> 
> I did not think that anyone would actually read it ;)

Thomas

 

»As I understand it, Mrs Hughes had planned to give the carpet a thorough cleaning anyway, My Lord«, Thomas answered, when Lord Grantham asked about the repercussions of his little marmalade-accident at breakfast.

 

Of course, that was all the consideration a Lord could muster for a mess he made and did not had to clean it himself. Lord Grantham merely nodded, »Well, then. I do hope that the carpet will be ready when Mr. Napier arrives.«

 

»It will be nice to see Mr. Napier again. I always found him to be very nice, but I can’t say that I am looking forward to hosting Mr. Shepherd and Mr. Hardwood.«, Lady Grantham declared with this soft and totally monotonic voice Thomas found to be most drowsy.

 

Quite in contrast to Lady Mary, who could cut glass with her sarcasm induced voice, »I quite agree. I had the misfortune to be introduced to them in London. That is to say they practically introduced themselves.«

  
Her sister showed no less remorse, »I am considering to spend the time of their visit in London just so that Mr. Shepherd can not continue pressuring me into publishing his articles.«

»He wanted you to publish some of his theories?«, asked Lord Grantham shocked.

Lady Edith nodded and said with a loud sigh in her voice, »Yes, indeed. He even wanted a whole column. He insisted that the people could not longer ignore the dangers of ‘unnatural bestiality’…« with a quick glance towards Thomas she added quickly, »Of course I denied his request.«

  
»Oh, dear. I feel almost a bit of compassion for you Edith«, answered Lady Mary close to being amused.

Lady Edith on her part could not help but to conclude, »Miracles happen. Maybe we can hope that Mr. Napier comes alone after all.«

Lady Grantham seemed utterly affronted with the whole situation and shook her head, »I can’t fathom why the ministry is letting such people work for them. They show little to no manners.«

»Maybe not but they have quite the following. Many people listen to their speeches. I just hope that Mr. Wood will surely lose the election«, Lord Grantham added displeased and continued to write a letter.

»Oh, I completely forget that he wants into politics! What a dreadful thought«, Lady Mary finished the discussion and left the library.

 

Dreadful, frightening… and completely possible, Thomas thought with disgust. He just wished he had the option of staying in London for their visit or to accompany Lady Edith even as Ladies maid. He preferred the horrors of hairdryers and corsets to a week of preaching nimrods. Well, maybe not the corsets… Thomas never understood these constructions of self-suffocation. The inventor had to have hated his poor wife.

One week, he considered and wondered how he could make it through a whole week with gay-hating self-righteous bastards in the Abbey.

 

 

 

»Another one«, both children cried in unison and Thomas couldn’t help but smile. Children were so easily delighted.

Playing with the children made him remember how much he loved reading as child, although in secret. He had to learn the hard way that his father did not appreciate creativity, intelligence or really anything that didn’t put money his pockets for the next drink. When Thomas had proudly told him that he had thought himself to read, his father had thought it a sign of demonic possession and almost drowned Thomas in his attempt of exorcising him from evil spirits.

 

»Excuse me Mr Barrow«, a small voice interrupted his session of tickling Miss Marigold’s sides and he turned around to find Alexander standing in the door-frame trying to stand perfectly straight like a marble stature.

Suppressing a groan, Thomas tried to stay polite. It wouldn’t do him any good to behave improperly while the Nanny observed everything, especially as he was just supposed to keep an eye on the children for a few minutes resulting in him reading to them for about thirty minutes.

»Yes, Alexander?«, he pressed the boy to say what he had to say.

Visibly gulping the boy replied, »Mr. Carson is wondering whether you had the time to help him in the wine-cellar after you have checked the rooms for the guests and brought the ridding gowns for Mr. Bates?«

Damn it, Thomas cursed mentally. He had completely forgotten the time and naturally had not checked the rooms or got the ridding gowns down for Mr. Bates, who was probably already waiting.

Not showing any sign of his distress he replied, »Of course, Alexander. Just wait for minute I will need your assistance.«  
Turning back to children, he apologized, »I am sorry but I have to go now.«

»Do you really have to go?«, Master George asked with that adorable pouting-face.

»That is quite enough, Master George. Mr. Barrow has other duties and you took enough of his time as it is«, the Nanny reprimanded him, pressing Thomas to immediately promise, »I will try and read some for you tomorrow, if Nanny allows it.«

»Can he?«, Miss Marigold asked jumping up and down on her toes.

»We’ll see«, the nanny said with a small smile for Thomas as he gave his goodbyes and left the room.

 

She was the only staff-member, who liked him, well besides Mrs Baxter. That woman seemed to have made it her mission to see him happy despite Thomas previous terrible behavior towards her. Of course, Thomas was very aware why she endured his mistreating for so long other than the threat to expose her time in jail. Thinking back Thomas felt remorse of having treated her this way.

After all, it really had not been her fault that his sister had turned on him treating him like the crap their father had always made him out to be. His sister had simply acted like she was supposed to and Phyllis had been just a child as well. There was no way she could have protected him from his own drunk father, when even her father had merely watched every time Thomas had been taught a lesson. In a way it had been a way of getting even for every time she had stood by or helped the other kids to bully him. Even back then he had just been the odd boy, who needed to either be avoided or harassed as if his father hadn’t been enough.

 

But speaking of odd boys, Thomas gestured Alexander to follow him.

»Are you enjoying your time at the Abbey? As I recall you have been here for only a month«

Alexander certainly thought it odd to be spoken to, »Yes. I enjoy it immensely. It is a great honor to work for such an important family.«

What a textbook-answer, Thomas thought almost disgusted. As if doing the nethermost duties while no one acknowledged you as a human being was an honor. Maybe he could pressure some information out of him.

»I suppose your parents are proud of you?«

»Yes, Sir. They were quite adamant that I would be trained as footman.«

That did surprise Thomas. It had became quite tedious to find suitable hallboys. Most parents wanted their children in jobs with more security. »In this day and age? Many servants are losing their workplace because the nobility cannot afford so many servants anymore.«

»Yes, Sir. I know that, but they…«, Alexander replied and faltered for a few seconds before continuing, »…they thought me well placed here.«

»You were living in Manchester, weren’t you?«

»Yes, Sir.«

»Do you have siblings?«

»A younger brother, Sir. He will take over the shop someday.«

»What kind of shop do your parents have?«

»A grocery store, Sir.«

»And you did not want to work in your own shop?«

Not making any eye-contact, he replied hesitantly, »My parents believe my brother to be better suited, Sir.«

In other words they wanted you gone and Thomas began to suspect why, »Did you have many friends?«

»A few, Sir«, he replied quietly.

»What about Alan and Gerald? Are you friends?«

Almost instantly Alexander’s hand cramped, »Yes, of course, Sir. We are all friends. Three boys of the same age, we are certainly friends why would we not be…« He stopped, when he realized that he had probably said more than enough and Thomas had indeed heard enough to know to keep a very close eye on the boy from now on. Alexander seemed smart but he was young and inexperienced a combination Thomas knew from experience to be dangerous.

 

Soon after Thomas had checked on the rooms and forced Alexander to help him carry all pieces of the ridding gown down to Mr. Bates, who seemed less than pleased that Thomas had the audacity to not only keep him waiting but to give Alexander extra-work.

Well, too bad for him, Thomas thought idly. His dressing-down was reserved for Mr. Carson, who was very likely looking forward to it. Fatalistically Thomas went down to the wine cellar, where he was promptly greeted by Mr. Carson’s dulcet voice, »Ah, Mr Barrow. How nice of you to come. I hope you have done your cores by now?«

»Of course, Mr. Carson and I apologize for being late, but the Nanny had asked me to watch over the children so she could fetch something.« Thomas knew that he was pushing his luck but the children always came first after all.

And as expected Mr. Carson conceded, »I think I need to remind the Nanny to ring for a maid.«

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

Meanwhile Alexander was drinking some tea in the servant’s hall and looked a bit mere for the weather.

Mr. Bates shared a look with Anna, before she addressed the boy, »Are you alright, Alexander?«

»Of course, Mam«, the boy replied instantly and jumped a little in his seat.

»You do know that if Mr. Barrow is giving you any trouble, you can tell us«, Mr. Bates said friendly.

He knew that Thomas was at best tolerable and needed a few remainders of his place from time to time. But Alexander just turned his teacup in his hands and answered, »Mr. Barrow just asked whether I like it here and I said that I do.«

  
Bates shared another glance with his wife and made a mental note to keep an eye on Mr. Barrow. There was no need for the underbutler to implicate an innocent boy into his shenanigans.

 

 

 

Thomas

 

Thomas thought it important to read to children and so he made it his prerogative to choose suitable books from the library in advance and read them himself first. Not that he truly thought that they needed to be checked for possible dangerous content – that seemed highly unlikely for the Crawleys – but it soothed his conscious to be careful and prepared, when they demanded to be led to enchanted forests full of unicorns and dragons.

  
So he found himself to be standing in front of the giant shelves searching for the right story, after everyone had already gone to bed, when the noise of the door opening startled him.

 

»Oh, I am sorry, Mr. Barrow. I did not mean to startle you. I thought everyone was already sleeping. I have lost a button and wanted to find it before Mr. Carson notice it missing«, apologized an embarrassed Andy once he realized that he was not alone.

Trying to ignore the uncomfortable look on Andy’s face Thomas smiled, »Probably all the others are. I could help you looking.«

»No, that is alright, I wouldn’t want to disturb you. I will come back tomorrow morning«, Andy said hastily and was about to leave the room, but Thomas called him back, »Please, there is no need. I already found what I was looking for.«

Quickly Thomas took a book from the shelve and went to leave, but he could not miss the opportunity to ask something that had been bothering him for a while, »I am sorry if this question is too forward, but… Did I do something to offend you?«

Andy looked taken aback, »No! No, I mean… you were very helpful, when I got here.«

»Then, why do you avoid me?«, Thomas pressed on, not sure that he wanted to hear what he already knew, but in the end needed to hear.

Andy himself seemed miserable searching for words until he replied, »I have heard some things. Some things about you.«

Thomas sighed, »And those things make you uncomfortable?« It was not necessary to ask what these things are…

»No… I mean… Maybe a bit«, Andy stumbled over the words. »I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea…«

»Andrew…«, Thomas sighed and tried to catch the younger man’s eyes, »I just wanted us to be friends. It… It had been a while since I had a friend and I thought we had a good time in London.«

»We had… it’s just…«, Andy seemed totally out of his debt and Thomas did not know whether to feel sorry for him, to start shouting at him and this society or to cry.

 

The time passed on with both of them searching for a response, until Thomas couldn’t stand it anymore, »Look, I am sorry that I imposed on you. It is clear that you do not wish to be friends with… someone like me and I will keep my distance from now on. I assure you that I never meant to put you in such a delicate situation.«

»No, Mr. Barrow…« Andy’s broken voice carried through the now closed door but Thomas practically ran to his room. It was too much, he needed be alone.

 

Closing the door behind him, he waited until he heard Andy finally going into his own room before he slumped down on the floor. Wrapping his arms around his legs he tried to breath and keep the tears away.

Of course, he had known the reason for Andy’s avoidance of him but it didn’t make it any less painful to actually hear him say those words, to see him struggling to be in the same room with someone like that. How could he have ever expected otherwise? Just because Lord Grantham had not fired him, it did not mean anyone thought different about his otherness. He was a fag, a sodomite… he was just different…

The word seemed to follow him since he could think and he hated that word.

 

Despite his reputation hate didn’t come easily to Thomas. He was quick to estimate other people’s use and danger for him, he was prone to distrust and did not like many people that much was true… but hate?

Hate was different too.

Slowly he stood up and walked towards the small mirror. One piece at a time Thomas carefully undressed revealing memories he truly hated.

He hated them because he could not change them.

He hated them because he could not run from them.

He hated them because he sometimes caught himself believing to have become what he was marked to be.

Like the words named his inner darkness, setting it free transforming him into something he hates.  
Something that was different…

 

Mindlessly, he followed the letters engraved on his chest and wondered what others might read into them. Would they be disgusted by the mutilated skin? Would they see the irony? Would they even care to ask how it happened?

Doctor Clarkson had not asked with words just looking at him, when Thomas had to be examined for the military, but Thomas had only shrugged with his shoulders and mumbled something about a difficult childhood. It hadn’t been an outright lie and Clarkson had refrained from investigating further.

Philip hadn’t asked either just stopped taking Thomas clothes off. He hadn’t offered any platitudes or false hope, but had slowly continued undressing him, laying Thomas down on the bed and softly kissed the scar.

In that moment Thomas had loved him. For a moment the world had finally seemed perfect until Philip had turned him over taking him from behind instead of having to look at the ugly reminder of their being together as sin. Not that Thomas could blame him. It was difficult enough to stay completely focused on your lover ignoring the accusing voice in your head: sin, sin, sin…  
All while praying that no one would hear and discover them.

In books life was easier, they shaped the world as wondrous place just waiting to be explored. Books offered worlds to hide, worlds of order, where right and wrong was there to find no matter how deeply hidden the answers were. Thomas liked books that seemed chaotic at first but would reveal secrets and wonders to those who dared to search for a world beyond. How Thomas had longed as a child to be taken away, to be guided to a magical realm full of mysterious creatures, who would welcome him with open arms. The funny thing is that Thomas had believed to find maybe not a magical realm but a place to call home with a new family. People, who would teach him compassion and love things he had only knew as concepts from his books. He had been so naïve to believe that running away would lead him to a better place and he had still been naïve to believe that in Downton Abbey he would be safe if not accepted because Mr. Carson was a kind and just person, who would protect him from harm.

Looking at his reflection he could not help but smile at the irony. Kind and just? What utter nonsense…

He would protect himself in the upcoming weeks like he had always done.


	4. a heavy load

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I do not share the sentiments expressed by certain characters in this story or that I claim any historical accuracy.

Thomas

 

At least I am outside, Thomas thought idly.

  
They’ve been all waiting outside to greet the guests, who had had been unfashionably late. Out of his eye Thomas could see Lord Grantham getting impatient not used to be standing still for so long. Well, Thomas thought amused, try to stand through a whole meal after having actually worked for the whole day…

There was a loud sigh from everyone, when the car finally arrived. Nothing stretched time as much as waiting for something unpleasant.

Quickly Andrew opened the door of the car and a relieved Napier got out, »Lord Grantham. What a pleasure to see you!«

»Hello, my friend. It is good to see you again«, the Lord claimed and shook hands with his acquaintance, who thanked him at once,

»Thank you, Lord Grantham. Especially as we will impose on your hospitality for quite some time, I’m afraid.«

»Of course, we will try to work as fast as we can«, the voice of a rather corpulent man echoed over the yard.

Napier smiled ruefully at Lord Grantham before, starting to introduce his companions, »Ah, yes. Lord Grantham, if I may introduce Mr Hardwood and Mr Shepard.«

»Pleased to meet you. I hope you will enjoy your stay at Downton«, Lord Grantham replied politely.

Smiling a big but really warm smile Mr Shepard said, »We’re sure we will, Lord Grantham. May I again express how very grateful we are for your hospitality.«

»Speak nothing of it as I understand your doing important work for the country.« As if he really believed that, Thomas thought noticing how strained the Lord’s smile was, as he introduced his family.

Before however everyone could go back inside Mr Shepard turned to Lord Grantham once more, sounding apologetic, »Lord Grantham, I am terribly sorry to impose on your hospitality but my valet had a familial emergency and will join me in a few days. Would it be possible to assign me someone, who can help me out?«

»That won’t be a problem, won’t it, Mr Carson?«

»Of course not, My Lord. I will personally look after Mr Shepard«, the butler assured.

»Oh no! I could not possible bother a butler. I think this young man here will do nicely«, exclaimed the man and to Thomas and everyone else’s discomfort he pointed at him.

»I don’t think that will be a problem. Mr Barrow will gladly assist you«, Lord Grantham said exchanging a quick glance with Carson.

Thomas couldn’t decide what unnerved him more, acting as Mr Shepard’s valet or that everyone of the household knew of the irony of the situation.

Mr Shepard at least was glad. »Thank you, how wonderful«, Mr Shepard replied with a wide grin at Thomas, who cursed his luck.

 

 

»I am sorry to be the reason for your increased workload.« Mr Shepard said for the tenth time and Thomas had the strong urge to strangle him.

Head down, he replied in what he hoped was a respectful tone, »It is a servant’s job to serve, Mr Shepard.«

»Of course, but I know of the heavy load a servant has to bear. Some may believe that a footman or a butler has just to look pretty holding doors, but I know better. You, see, my mother used to be a maid and she told me of how a household of this magnitude is run«, Mr Shepard explained while sitting in a big chair drinking expensive whiskey.

Yeah, you’re a real man of the people, I get it, Thomas thought hardly containing his annoyance but most of all Thomas felt an increasing amount of fear. Something was wrong with the man, Thomas simply knew it. He tried to solely focus on the clothes in his hands, without appearing rude, »She must be very proud of you, Sir.«

A smile showed on his face, »Oh, she is. Although she is deeply ashamed of my clothing habits. I am afraid I have no sense of fashion but since I need to work and occasionally live with the nobility, I find myself in need of looking the part…«

»There is no need to explain yourself, Sir«, assured Thomas.

Could this man not get a hint? Seriously, all the talk of understanding the heavy load a servant has to bear and yet he can’t tell that I just want to be done with my work. He probably just loves to hear himself talk… and Thomas would just love it, if the man could stop starring at him like a prized painting.

»Oh, but there is. After all I come from a poor family and I know what it is like to treated like a tool without feelings. Please know that I don’t share the arrogance of some Lords.«

»I would never have thought you to be unkind, Sir« If you could just stop following my every move with your damn eyes!

»Very good, Barrow. I think we will work well together, won’t we?«

Thomas could hear the smugness in his voice and a shudder run down his back. All his instincts telling him to run but the situation only allowed a devoted, »Certainly, Sir.«

Thomas thanked all spirits and gods, who might spare him a thought, when he finally placed the last shirt in the closet. Turning back towards Mr Shepard, he politely inquired, »If that would be all, Sir?«

Standing quietly he waited for the damn bastard to relieve him, but the man just kept starring at him. Unnerved Thomas every muscle wanted to move out of danger while the seconds turned into minutes until Mr Shepard at last seemed satisfied, »Of course, Mr Barrow. I wouldn’t want to keep you from your work.«

  
It took all of Thomas restrain to not run out of the door and down the corridor to the servant’s stairs. He could only hope that his damn valet would grace them with his appearance rather sooner than later.

  
Thomas had just entered the servant hall, thankful to have escaped the eyes of Mr. Shepard, when Andy called for him, »Mr. Barrow, I am sorry to disturb you, but Mr. Hardwood had requested that these items would be bought for him.«

He could hardly suppress an eye-roll, »I see. Well, then you best get going to town.«

But instead of going, Andy fiddled with the note in his hands, »I’m… not sure where I can find which item, Mr. Barrow…«

»Oh, okay… I’ll write the shop behind each item then«, Thomas said confused. How could Andy not know the shops?

Andy all but shouted, »Oh, no!... I mean you can just tell me that is faster.«

»Ok, then…« Thomas could not help but to wonder about Andy’s behavior. Surely he couldn’t still be suspicious of any advances? Didn’t he make himself clear? Why was he so awkward and nervous? Well, one thing was for sure, his head started to hurt and if he wanted to survive the diner, he needed some air.

Taking the note from Andy, he proclaimed, »You know what, I’ll go.«

Andy of course mistook his intervention as insult, »No, Mr. Barrow…«

»It’s alright, Andrew. I would like some fresh air. So, consider me selfish while you help Mr. Moseley with the arrangement of the guests and the preparations for diner. I will be back in time to dress Mr. Shepard«, Thomas countered and took leave.

 

 

Yes, he decided, this walk was a good idea.

The clear blue sky and the light cold of autumn left him with red cheeks and a high spirit. He wished he could take the children to a walk or even a pick-nick but that would be too daring. A servant was not to interact with the children in such an intimate way. After all, they ranked higher than him as young as they might be. Thomas wondered whether the children would remember him, when they were older. Would they have a different perspective on servants? Thomas did not know whether he wanted to stay long enough at Downton to find out. On the one hand and if he was honest, in spite of him being an outsider Downton had become his home. How couldn’t it be? After all these years one simply had roots. Yet, it would very likely not be his decision. Thomas was no fool. The Granthams were struggling just as any other noble family and soon they would find themselves forced to cut the stuff even further.

Who if not him, the black sheep and troublemaker, would be the first to go?

Sometimes he cursed his tendency to overthink everything, it certainly ruined his mood.

 

Other people on the other hand were in desperate need of some thinking…

Just as Thomas was passing a bridge near a farm on his way back to Downton, he saw Alexander kissing another boy in the shadow of the bridge. The problem was that a couple of farmhands just came back from the fields and would discover them soon.

Out of the moment Thomas pretended to falter over a stone without actually falling and thereby endangering the purchases. His failed dive to the ground caught the attention of the farmhands, who were about to pass the bridge and made enough noise for the boys to hear.

The farmhands laughed at his expanse.

»Careful with your purchases, Sir.«

»Not that you ruin your expansive coat!«

»I guess the bags are too heavy for such a delicate flower. Not used to hard work!«

 

The laughter of the farmhands echoed for a while before they reached the farm and were out of sight. Thomas cursed under his breath. He didn’t like it at all to make a fool out himself, especially in front of these simpletons.

Quickly he climbed down under the bridge and found two dumbstruck boys standing still way too close to each other. White as ghosts they probably had to suppress the instinct to reach for the other for moral support, but Thomas was feeling less than compassionate.

»Do you know what happens, if someone finds out? Do you know what will happen to you?«

»We… We were just… we were not…«, Alexander started to say, but Thomas cut him off, »I do not care what you two did and did not do but it won’t matter to them. One accusation could mean the end. Do you realize that? You could end up in jail, an asylum or they just take matters into their own hands… either way your life will account for nothing!«

Taking a big breath, he tried to calm down, before he addressed the two shaking boys once more, »Trust me you do not want to be left hoping that someone will show you mercy. Mercy isn’t what most people are driven by. You two need to be very careful.«

Alexander nodded, »You won’t say anything, will you?«

»No, of course not«, Thomas assured them and they turned to leave. »Wait«, Thomas called them back. It couldn’t hurt to be extra careful, so took a look around, before he gave them the clear, »All clear, now get a move on.«

At once both boys climbed back up and said their goodbyes to each other. But before Alexander left, he turned back to Thomas,

»Mr. Barrow…« Hesitating, the boy searched for Thomas eyes and whispered, »I am sorry.«

If Thomas wasn’t careful, he could start to like the boy. Making a dismissive hand gesture, he replied, »Think nothing of it and now go!«

This kid will be a total nuisance, Thomas pitied himself and slowly began to walk back to the Abbey.

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

»One day in and I’m already counting the days to their departure«, Anna said wholeheartedly and sat down at the table in the servant hall.

Mrs Hughes bristled with barely contained anger, »A sentiment well shared, I imagine.«

»Lord Grantham had a few things to say about them«, Mr Bates snickered, thinking about the ruffled Lord.

»As did Lady Mary. She thought it preposterous for them to have their own valet, while they pretend to be modest representatives of the people«, countered Anna and took a big sip of tea leaning back in the chair.

 

He loved watching her. There was nothing more calming for him than watching her doing the most mundane task. If only they had a child, he thought, their lives would be perfect.

He was still daydreaming about a family, when Alexander stormed into the house. The boy seemed deeply disturbed.

Concerned, Anna asked, »Alexander, are you okay? Did something happen?«

»No, Mr. Bates! Nothing happened!«, the boy shacked his head, apologized and run out the hall up the stairs, before anyone could say anything else.

»Whatever was the meaning of this?«, Anna wondered loudly and he too found the boy’s behavior more than suspicious.

Yet, Mrs Hughes seemed inclined to not gossip about possible reason as long as they knew literally nothing, »The boy has to acclimate himself that is all, although he seems easily spooked. Maybe I talk to Mr. Carson about keeping an eye on Gerald and Alan. I don’t want the poor boy to be harassed.«

  
Just as she finished, their very special colleague entered the hall, packed with bags.

»Oh, hello, Mr. Barrow. Did you get everything?« Mrs Hughes politely inquired.

»Yes, of course«, the underbutler replied and put the bags on the table.

»Do you happen to know why Alexander seemed so startled?«, Mr Bates could not help to ask, resulting in a gentle but warning kick of his beloved wife. Meaning, don’t get involved in that man’s troubles again.

Thomas, on the other hand merely glanced at him and shrugged, »Alexander? No, although I could see him coming to the Abbey ahead of me. Why did something happen?«

Mr. Bates didn’t buy his nonchalant answer for a second, »I don’t know. I hoped you would know.«

»Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Bates« Thomas replied coldly, when Mr Carson entered the hall, »Ah, Mr. Barrow. Good you here. It’s close to the gong, you should better chance and then go to Mr Shepard at once.«

Sighing theatrically, Thomas declared, »Certainly, Mr. Carson. I’ll just get these items to Mr. Hardwood.«

Another voice however stopped Thomas in his steps, »Oh, I will bring it to him. It was really nice of you to help me out as I was still accommodating Mr. Hardwood after his arrival.«

Mr Bates had to restrain himself from grimacing. Mr Jones has something unpleasant about him but maybe his impression was tainted by his employers.

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

If you’ve been prepared to do your job, you would have thought of buying the items beforehand, Thomas could not suppress the thought. He had barely met the man but he couldn’t stand him already. Every person willing to work for such an intolerable creature was prone to be at least intolerable as well. Yet, Thomas would be well advised not to start a fight with the valet of a person, who had no reservation to put Thomas into one of his clinics as test-subject.

So, he tried his most docile tone replying, »Your welcome. Everyone needs some help now and then. If you excuse me, I will quickly change and tend to Mr Shepard.«

Thomas could literally hear Bates rolling his eyes over his attempt at pleasantries, but he could not care less and went to change. Diner hadn’t even started yet, but Thomas already felt as he hadn’t slept for days. This whole situation got on his nerves in more ways than one.

 

 

Diner was the hell Thomas had expected it to be.

»Especially London has become a place where the sick can roam free. Poets and artist of all kinds infected the minds of the young for far too long. By allowing this depravity we all but ushered our children into their hands. These young innocent man and women are led astray from God and are running now wild in the streets. There are establishments and activists groups that try to make the weakly minded believe these horrific acts to be natural, when in fact these people are ill and need help to overcome these urges«,

Mr Shepard finished his endless monologue of crazy rage. Lord Grantham was less impressed, »As I recall, homosexuality is still illegal. How is it possibly for them to ‘run wild in the streets’?«

»That is precisely the problem! After the Great War we were dreary and became to lush in our punishments of immorality. We need to re-establish order immediately before more harm is done!«, answered Mr. Hardwood for his companion, who applauded him, »Well, said my friend.«

  
Lady Edith was as much delighted by their visitors as the rest of the family, »I assume the rejection of the House of Commons and House of Lords for the legislation that would include woman being prosecuted for female homosexuality is quite the anathema to you?«

»It was falsely assumed that not bringing it up in public would in the end prevent young ladies of getting the wrong idea, and they seemed to think that woman had no such inclinations.«

»Which is of course nonsense«, Mr. Hardwood interrupted his friend, who nodded approvingly, »It is a misconception that only man are prone for this kind of behavior. Woman likewise are suffering from this infliction«

»What makes you so certain that it is in fact a disease?«, Miss Crawley countered, but Mr. Shepard seemed keen to insert everyone of his superior knowledge on the subject, »I assure you Miss Crawley that mental illnesses are real and can be cured.«

»So man and woman, who prefer the same sex suffer a form of mental illness?«, Miss Crawley dug deeper.

»Of course, it is all in their minds. The mind is a very powerful machine if you allow me the comparison. The mind can even have lasting effects on the physis of a person. Sadly every machine can get damaged but it can just as easily be fixed.«

Miss Crawley was less than convinced and retorted, »So what? Do you change the oil and the person runs smoothly again?«

»No, of course not, Miss Crawley. It is a conversion therapy, including therapy sessions, medication and electric shocks. It is a very long process, I admit, but the end-result is worth it«, Mr. Shepard tried to showcase his superior knowledge, all while trying not to lose his temper with Miss Crawley and Thomas could have hugged her.

»And you are certain that it works?«, she asked further.

No, it doesn’t Thomas thought lividly. He knew all too well that electric shocks helped shit.

Of course, Mr. Shepard was convinced he held the solution of so many people’s suffering. Even though the suffering was not caused by the infliction – as the preacher in front of Thomas called it – but more the result of the nonacceptance of society, a small but significant detail, Thomas decided not for the first time in his life. It just so happened to mean next to nothing, why you’re suffering, while you continue to suffer.

»I believe that it will«, Mr. Shepard insisted, leading Miss Crawley to inquire, »In every case?«

The smile on Mr. Shepard’s mouth was close to falter, »No therapy will work in every case and studies have yet to be made. However I am far from being alone in my opinions.«

»How nice for you. Maybe we could now go into the salon and return to more civilized topics«, resounded the carrying voice of the Dowager Countess.

Taking the much needed interruption of this sordid discussion, Lord Grantham gladly agreed with his mother, »You are right, as always, Mama.«

 

Finally, the diner had ended and thankfully both visitors reclined from pressing the topic any further tonight, which appeared to be like a salvation to Mr. Napier, who had just set at the table, silently shaking his head. He probably had to have listened to these nut-jobs for the last two months of their enterprise.

 

 

»Do you believe in destiny, Mr Barrow?«, asked Mr Shepard melancholy. The evening did not seem to sit well for the preacher.

»No, Sir.« Keep the answers short, professional.

Do not engage in any discussion, Thomas reminded himself over and over again. Why, oh, why did this man talk so much?

Just to prove his point he carried on in his rumblings, watching Thomas hands in the mirror before him, »I do. I believe there is a plan for everyone. I know that there is a plan for me. The gentry does not understand the workings of the world, of the people. They only care for their money and titles, for a life of laziness far away from any work. They could never understand what moves a man’s heart as they never used it themselves. They are so cold. All blatant smiles and pleasantries. There is no substance, no meaning in their life. Don’t you think they are cold?«

»His Lordship has always been very good to his employees«, Thomas tried to dissuade him.

But to his utter shock Mr Shepard laid his hand over Thomas right one, which had just started to button up the first of his pajama-shirt. Startled he looked up to find the lunatic memorizing his every feature, so it seemed. Did this madman have no sense for personal space or decorum?

»I am sorry. I did not mean to bring you into a position where you have to speak against your employer«, Mr Shepard whispered as apology.

Thomas could hardly suppress a shudder. The man spooked him and even though Thomas knew full well that Mr Shepard was a spokesperson for the administration that wanted people like him gone, he was almost certain that he read the signs right – and that frightened him to no end. What on earth was he supposed to do, if his assumption was right and that nutter…

Thankfully, Mr Shepard let go of his hand and Thomas rushed to undo the rest of the bottoms. He had to get out of this room.

»I must apologize again, Mr Barrow. I know how precious manners are to servants and the gentry alike. I’m afraid that I let myself go sometimes but my mission is too important« Mr Shepard said seemingly ruefully while Thomas put his clothes away.

You’re almost out of the door, Thomas tried to calm himself and turned to leave.

It really should come to no surprise for Thomas that he didn’t come very far.

Surely enough Mr Shepard stopped him by grabbing his arm holding him in place, »You know I am right, don’t you? You believe my cause is right?«

Keeping his tone even Thomas answered, »I do not know of such things, Sir.«

Mr Shepard laughed silently into his ear, »You don’t need to degrade yourself for me. I am no Lord. I am just like you. Therefore, I know you have your own opinions. We know better. We faced dangers, saw threats a high Lord could not even begin to fathom there existence.«

Trying to keep his voice from showing his fear Thomas countered, »I know there are threats out there, but what could I do?«

»Everything, my friend. Everything. Mark my words, it will be people like us, who will change the world for the better«, he insisted

»As long as we are true to each other we can overcome everything.«

He is mad. Utterly and indisputable mad…

 

Finally, Mr Shepard let go of him, smiling to himself, »I knew you would agree with me, Mr Barrow. Goodnight.«

I did shit, Thomas thought outraged but thought it safer to hurry out of the room. Closing the door, he sighed. This wouldn’t end well for him that much was clear. He had to find a way out of this calamity and fast.


	5. no one must see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the views and kudos!
> 
> The dark content is coming soon, but for now enjoy Thomas in badass mode ;)

Thomas

 

»No one must see,«

»No one.«

That voice… so clear and frightening, was carried through time. A ghost of the past coming to haunt him again. Long fingers claiming every inch of his skin, marking him as possession. A heavy weight of another body pressing him down, suffocating him. Wet lips that are poisonous on his skin and torturing when speaking. Words and hands piercing through his body like knifes. The damn razor… bloody… the pain and the hand over his mouth…

»No one must see.«

 

With a silent scream, Thomas sat up in his bed completely drained in sweat.

Get a grip, man! He chastised himself, breathing in and out until he calmed down. This room no longer holds any dangers just memories and you decide whether or not you want to remember… as if it was that easy.

Falling back into the bed once more, he cursed his damn fate.

All of this was the fault of that deranged Shepard and to think that people called homosexuals deranged. Two days ago, Thomas had thought his only task was to keep his head low and not stand out. How in the name of everything that is holy is it possible that of all people Thomas was the one, who caught the attention of a preacher against such attentions? How could that man even look at himself in the mirror? Calling homosexuality an unnatural mental illness, wanting to heal them and at the same time being attracted to men himself… Thomas just couldn’t understand it. Self-denial, self-hate and hate at the whole damn world he could understand to a degree. He had been on this road himself but what Shepard did? No, that remained a mystery to him.

There was just something fundamentally wrong this that nutcase. Thomas may not be the best in identifying potential love interests – because seriously, in those instances he never thought with his head but with his heart and his heart seemed oddly unattached to reality – but one thing Thomas could rely upon was his inner instinct to detect creeps that would hurt him and to his utter dismay Mr Shepard rang all the bells. It was like a deafening symphony of warning signals, one playing louder than the other.

Thomas shuddered and shook his head. It would be different this time. He was no child any longer and he did not need anyone to save him.

The question was – how could he save himself?

Simply going to Carson or his Lordship accusing a guest, however disliked he might be, was out of the question. They wouldn’t believe him and as he had no way of discovering dirty secrets about Shepard in time he couldn’t blackmail him or get him otherwise out of Downton. So, the only chance was to let them discover what type of person Shepard is…

The problem was to make the right people aware in the right order…

…and it would mean to make them actually see it, which in turn would mean for Thomas to put himself in a very delicate situation, but what choice did he have? If he did nothing, he would get hurt again and the madman would continue to hurt others in his doomed mission.

No, Thomas decided. It would be embarrassing and really ugly, but in the end, he might be able to stop all of it, and if he could, he would.

With new purpose Thomas prepared himself for the day, after all, he had much to do.

 

 

His first trial for the day was to endure Mr Jones at the breakfast table.

»It would seem such a normal thing to do, giving Mr Hardwood and Mr Shepard the needed money. Not to mention all this terrible business with the bureaucracies. You cannot imagine how difficult it is to go through every department. Not that it would deter Mr Hardwood to do what is right«, the bumptious popinjay declared trying to drink his tea as sophisticated as possible.

As if his affectation would cover for the fact that his employer longed for the knighthood, wanting to be part not only of the rich, but of the gentry and being denied time and again.

Anna seemed less inclined to join in the glorification of Mr Hardwood, »I thought that Mr Hardwood was financing the enterprise, isn’t he rich due to his late father’s sardines company?«

Fearing his employer to be criticised he explained to her in a patronizing tone, »He certainly is, but the magnitude of the enterprise is way too expensive than to be financed by one person alone. If everything goes as planned, institutes such as these will spread around the country and hopefully across Europe. After all, there a way more of these sick men and women than anyone cares to admit. Lost souls, so to speak.«

Thomas had the strong wish to kick him, it didn’t help that some of his colleagues were less than discreet in the occasional glance towards him as if to see whether he would perish from some words he had heard since he could walk or if he’d lose his temper.

Gerald and Alan at least were silenced by one look from Mrs Hughes. Small mercies, he supposed. Only that Alexander had turned ghostly white in the course of the meal and Thomas wished he could comfort him, but there was nothing to be done. He had to get used to this kind of talk and learn to ignore it.

Carson on the other hand was slowly turning red hearing such a despicable topic being discussed at his table, »I thought I made it clear that I do not want this kind of talk at the table.«

»I am sorry, Mr Carson, but that is precisely the issue my employer wants to correct. If we don’t talk about the illness spreading through our youth, we could lose them to depravity«, the valet tried to reason, but the butler had enough, »Maybe so, but there are some children at this table that are way too young to hear any of this.«

Thankfully, they we’re all saved by the simultaneous sound of bells.

 

Well, he was thankful to escape the ludicrous idiot until he was up the stairs and remembered where he was going. Thomas halted in his steps, suddenly confronted with the very real and threatening consequences that entailed his plan. Of course, he would get hurt either way, but that didn’t seem so comforting anymore. Looking at the corridor before him, Thomas could not help but think of it as his personal way to the gallows.

No, Thomas reminded himself, it won’t be you this time that would end up in misery. No matter what that madman would throw at him, he had survived worse, and in the end, Thomas would have the last laugh.

Determined Thomas made his way to the door, only to be greeted way too enthusiastically once he opened it, »Good morning, Thomas. Please come in. I was waiting for you.«

Naturally, you rang the bell, Thomas commented with as much sarcasm as his thoughts aloud him without showing it on his face, »I came as fast I could, Sir.«

»Of course, you did. I am sorry. My mouth tends to run away from me, but you already know that. I merely meant to say that I wanted to apologies for my direct behavior towards you last evening, that was too forward.« Mr Shepard explained and stepped way too close for Thomas liking, but he had a plan.

Sadly, in order for his plan to work, he needed to be certain that Mr Shepard would act accordingly, which meant for Thomas to ignite a flame he’d rather crush out. Not to mention that he had to know more about Shepard’s actual plans.

Pretending to be slightly embarrassed to be apologized to, Thomas looked down at his feet, only taking short glances towards Shepard, when he conceded, »There is no need to apology, Sir. You are passionate about a good cause. It is understandable albeit uncommon in the gentry to get carried away.«

Shepard jumped right at Thomas words, »Exactly! Most people don’t seem to understand that.«

»If I may make a suggestion to you, Sir?«, Thomas asked using the momenta.

»By all means« the deluded man said, while trying to catch Thomas every move, while he dressed him.

Thomas on the other hand tried to stay calm putting his plan into motion, »I know that the gentry is difficult at best, but you are dependent on their support. How despicable it may be to you to play to their rules, they will react more agreeable, if treated as they think they ought to be treated. It isn’t enough to dress like them, you must learn to speak and much more important to think like them.«

»Your right, of course. I’m trying, but my passion always gets the better of me« Shepard responded frustrated and Thomas believed him right away, »Maybe you should ask your valet to teach you some of their ways. We servants know a thing or two about bending in.«

Nodding, Shepard grinned at Thomas not even trying to hide the fact that he was outright starring at Thomas lips, »Oh, he attempted believe me, but we just don’t seem to fit. He supports my cause in every way. He has… a personal interest, someone in his family, you see.«

»I’d imagine there is always someone in the family«, Thomas said playing into his spiel.

Shepard’s voice hitched, when Thomas knotted the tie, »Yes, most people can’t accept their problems and live in denial«

Keeping up the facade of absolute innocent, he wondered loudly, »What would you suggest as cure?«

»Openness. People need to let go of their fears, accept this part of them, before you can truly begin to heal«, Shepard replied and took the jacket from Thomas, letting his hands rest on Thomas’s, who had to will his hands from pulling away, »It sounds like a long and very intimate treatment.«

»You have no idea«, whispered Shepard in a hushed and deep voice.

Letting his eyes momentarily rest on Shepard’s lips, Thomas inquired, »What is the secret to let them trust you enough?«

»I guess, I have a natural instinct for what people need and the unique talent and moral strength to give them what they need«, the arrogant nutcase said and Thomas could imagine what he would give them – nightmares for the rest for their lives. What a creep!

But instead of hitting him, he just pictured how Shepard would be arrested and answered with an admiring smile, »You carry a lot of responsibilities.«

»Yes, Hardwood takes some of the load from me, in terms of bureaucracy, but…«, Shepard admitted and stepped even closer, »I’m searching for someone, who would support me in more direct ways.«

Tilting his head, Thomas agreed, »Finding the right person must be difficult.«

»Quite«, Shepard said and the damn bastard was about to dive in for a kiss!

Taking a step back, Thomas purposely asked slightly out of breath, »Well, if that would be all, Sir?«

Grinning from ear to ear, Shepard finally put the jacket on, »Yes, thank you.«

Don’t puke, don’t puke, Thomas repeated like a mantra. Bowing way more than necessary to put the pajamas back in the closet, Thomas could feel Shepard’s eyes ogling at his ass. Seriously, the man had no class. How had he managed to stay undercover not knowing what subtlety meant? Oh, yes, Thomas corrected himself, the bastard preached against people like himself…

  
His scar started to itch, and he had to refrain from scratching while he watched Mr Shepard go out to get breakfast. There was hardly anything that Thomas despised more than hypocrites, those damn saints that preach at daytime and sin in the night. Well, this one he would out… but he had the strong desire to wash, more like bathing for hours.

 

 

His wish, of course, would need to wait. As soon as he stepped out of the room, he was almost ambushed by Alexander, »Mr Barrow?«

»Yes, Alexander?«, Thomas said, turning to the still pale-faced boy. Poor sod, Thomas thought, his first month and he had already had to face prejudices assholes and was almost caught kissing his probably first love.

Alexander seemed to hesitate before he finally asked in a hush voice, »Do you… May I talk to you?«

Noting the scared look on the boys face, he nodded, »What can I do for you?«

Instead of answering Alexander looked around, »Could we… go some place quiet?«

Gesturing him into one of the other empty guestrooms, Alexander seemed frozen on the spot, »Won’t we get into trouble?«

»I’m the underbutler, Alexander«, Thomas reminded him.

»Right, Sir«, Alexander replied and remained silent, until Thomas prompted him, »Well?« But the boy just stood their completely lost for words and Thomas felt compassion rise again, »You can be honest with me, Alexander. I promise I won’t be shocked.«

As if he had just waited for the assurance, everything purred out in one big breath, »Harry came to see me this morning, he waited until I came out to get the newspapers. He… Harry is scared, really scared… and I don’t know how to make him feel safe again.«

That didn’t really surprise Thomas, »Almost getting caught spooked him and now reality caught up with him and he doesn’t want to meet you anymore?«

Blinking away tears, Alexander conceded, »I know it would probably for the best. Especially with our guests but…«

»You can’t stay away from him?«, Thomas helped and Alexander nodded, »No. And I don’t want to. I always think about him. He is so funny and he loves animals and he… understands me… I… I love him…«

»Oh, young love«, Thomas could not help but say. Alexander was too adorable in his innocence.

Biting his lips, Alexander asked with a crack in his voice, which made clear that he was not half as innocent as Thomas had hoped, »It is love, isn’t it?«

It took every ounce of self-control for Thomas not to flinch on the question spoken with a familiar tone of conviction and doubt. How often had he himself pondered this very question? Hearing it now, coming from this young and still so innocent teenager, Thomas couldn’t but wonder how many other children and men were struggling with a question that should have only one answer.

He couldn’t deny that he had struggled with his fate, even going so far as to trying to get rid of the feelings that never seemed to give him anything but heartache and sadness – and yet… Thomas never really doubted his feelings to be anything other than love. Sure, one could point out the little fact that he had never experienced love from his parents and to his utmost regret he had no idea what it was like to be loved in return, but being in love? Thomas knew that feeling very well. What other emotion could be so contradictive and logical at the same time, showing lightness and darkness in a perfect composition of hope, trust, peace, warmth and cold, despair and loss?

Looking at the waiting hallboy standing in front of him, dreading and hoping for answers Thomas had longed for his whole life, there really was just one true answer he could give, »I don’t know what else it could be.«

»But Mr Jones said that people like that are…« Alexander started, but Thomas stopped him at once, »I know pretty well what he said and what all others say, but that doesn’t mean they’re right«

Thinking about Thomas words Alexander seemed to accept them, yet there was one catch, »But it does mean that we’re not safe.«

»No, I am afraid not«, Thomas admitted.

»Then I can’t promise Harry that everything will be alright«, Alexander said more to himself and Thomas felt inclined to lessen the realization, »No one can promise that but you can promise to love and help him in every way he needs. No one can ask more of you«

»Thank you, Mr Barrow«, Alexander said with big thankful eyes and Thomas actually meant, what he said, »You’re welcome«

Nodding the hallboy was about to run away, but then turned back to Thomas, »It feels really good to talk to someone about it.«

Thomas nodded and hushed him out of the room…

 

…where he almost collided with Andrew, who looked surprised at Thomas, »Ah, there you are Mr Barrow, I was looking for you.«

Watching Alexander run down the stairs, Andrew worried, »Is he alright?«

»Yes, he was just too ashamed of asking Mr Carson for help«, Thomas replied and didn’t like it at all, how Andrew seemed still worried looking in the guestroom, as if it had any further answers. Refraining from commenting on it, Thomas inquired, »Was there a reason you were searching for me?«

Startled Andrew affirmed, »Yes! Mr Barrow, do you have a moment?«

What now?, Thomas wondered, but didn’t led his own discomfort show, »How can I help you, Andrew?«

Holding up some sort of flyers, Andrew explained, »Mr Jones asked me to get these pair of flyers printed in the village. Fifty of the pamphlet on the general dangerous of homosexuality and a hundred of the one about the asylum.«

Bristling with barely contained anger, Thomas muttered, »It seems that Mr Jones is forgetting that footmen aren’t his personal errand boys.«

»Yes, that is exactly my problem«, Andrew nodded vehemently and then said with a more restrained voice, »I mean… I am supposed to… clean some silver for diner tonight and now…« Andrew was visibly fretting something and slowly Thomas began to understand.

Smiling for finally identifying what had Andrew in a fright, he ordered, »Ask Gerald to do it. He could use some exercise.«

»Thank you, Mr Barrow«, said Andrew relived and turned around.

 

Watching the footman leave. Thomas started to figure out, how he was supposed to get Andrew help and was left shaking his head in dismay. How many issues could he possible solve at the same time? He definitely deserved a pay raise instead of facing a likely dismissal in the near future.


	6. distressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and comments!
> 
> I am sorry for the late update, but life has been busy ;)
> 
> Please mind the warnings from now on it gets dark... and a certain someone finally makes an appearance...

Thomas

 

He was angry and he hold onto that anger. It seemed to be the only thread Thomas was hanging on once he had stepped out of the guestroom. It was so much easier to focus on playing a part, being in the moment than holding back long buried memories, who threatened to roll over Thomas every time his thoughts were free to roam.

  
Thomas started to tremble and he tried to sternly focus on Mr Shepard’s shoes. Cleaning, sewing, doing inventory, no matter how mediocre the task, Thomas jumped on every opportunity to occupy his thoughts. Making a plan to stop a madman turned out to be way easier than actually facing one.

 

  
»Are you alright, Mr Barrow?« Andrew asked from the door and Thomas led the shoe slip from his hand.

He would like to say that it was part of the plan to get Andy suspicious – and it was – but apparently Thomas had no need of pretending to be a nervous wreck.

Well, at least this part of his plan will work, Thomas thought irritated. Picking the shoe up from the floor, he assured Andrew that he was alright, his words didn’t seem to reassure the footman though, who didn’t miss Thomas still trembling hands.

»Are you sure? Pardon me, Mr Barrow but you have been acting strange the whole day« Andrew tried again.

»Just a headache«, Thomas mumbled and started to polish the shoe for the second time.

Of course, it was part of the plan for Andy to notice his discomfort, but Thomas would prefer it, if he could witness played emotions and not a near honest breakdown. Polish the shoe, Thomas thought determined, there must be a spot you missed… somewhere… a spot, a damn spot for him to clean or something… Gosh, damn it!

Thomas accidentally let the shoe slip out of his hands again and picking it up a second time, he could not but curse these atrocious pieces of worn-out shoes, who still could not bother to present a spot for him to clean. He needed a cigarette right now!

Only after looking up, Thomas remembered that Andy was still standing in the doorway, only to find Miss Baxter now standing behind the footman. Both looked utterly disturbed and Thomas took a moment to close his eyes and slowly breath in and out. He knew she would pressure him at some point, but truth be told, he had anticipated she would confront him after the fall out. Well, he kept underestimating her.

Semi composed Thomas took the shoes and turned to face them, »I’m sorry. I seem to be a bit clumsy today. Was there something I can do for either of you?«

Andrew shook his head, but Miss Baxter sadly replied, »Mr Shepard had returned and ringed for you.«

Nodding Thomas ignored her questioning eyes as well as Andrew’s lost puppy face and walked past them up the stairs to his next act. The show must go on…

 

 

Andrew

 

  
»Do you know what’s wrong with him?«, Andrew asked the ladies maid, who bristled, »I am guessing it has something to do with these people.«

She didn’t need to specify who she meant. The guest left Andrew shuddering and he had nothing to fear from them. How the underbutler had to feel listening to the hate-speech, declaring Thomas and his sorts as unnatural and sick, Andrew couldn’t imagine. Although Andrew did not understand the notion of loving another man, he thought the open hostility hard to ignore.

»Will you keep an eye on him, Andrew, please?«, Miss Baxter begged him and he assured her he would, that at least he owed the man after Thomas got him this job.

 

 

Thomas

 

  
Seeing Alexander carrying some sheets with Gerald and Alan, Thomas made a decision and waved Alexander to come to him. It might be too early as he could not yet be certain that Shepard would act as planned, but Thomas knew with every step he took that he couldn’t hold up this facade for a day longer.

»Alexander, please ask Andrew to come help me with the suitcase after I am finished dressing Mr Shepard. I completely forgot to ask him«, Thomas asked, sending the hallboy away and thereby setting things into motion.

He did not like it all to use Andrew like this, but Thomas was out of options and if he’d do nothing, he would be pretty miserable pretty soon.

Every step felt like a decision and every step he questioned whether or not he made the right one. So much was at stake for him, so much could go wrong. Taking the few steps to the guestroom felt like hours and yet somehow he wondered how fast he found himself at the door. Taking a deep breath, Thomas opened the door, where found Shepard already waiting for him.

Clapping his hands Shepard stood up and greeted him way to loudly to be proper, »Ah, Thomas you’re sight for sore eyes.«

Nodding towards him, Thomas discreetly left the door open, while Shepard started to undress himself. Stupid, Thomas could not but note. Why would you wait to be dressed, if your doing it yourself anyway.

Shepard was already down to his underwear, when he remarked, »I get the feeling that you are the only reasonable person in this whole county.«

Laying his new clothes out on the bed, Thomas dutiful answered, »I gather that you’re meeting with Mr Traver did not go as planned.«

»It certainly did not. While he agrees that homosexuality is a perversion, he does not consider it a sickness. He simply condemns the souls of those men and women to hell for their sinful deeds. He thinks it is just a mere decision and not a deeply rooted psychological problem«, he declared and went to stay behind Thomas.

»I assume that he won’t support you’re efforts to make the issue a public matter of discussion?«, Thomas asked without looking back at Shepard, who was practically breathing down his neck, while Thomas was sorting the clothes.

Shepard chuckled, »He was horrified by the mere suggestion of talking about it, the old fool…«

Shepard took another step towards Thomas and said in a deep voice, »The thought that these troubled men and women live their life in the shadows, unable to ask for help and with no hope of salvation of their torture…«

Well, Thomas certainly wished he could see salvation from this torture… He could smell whiskey and a despicable aftershave. Every hair on Thomas body stood to attention in the face of a fiend too close.

Shepard was of course unaware of Thomas' distress and laid a hand on his shoulder, »I know you understand, Thomas. You understand that I cannot let my fellow people suffer. Not if I can help them!«

»How can you help them?«, Thomas inquired and turned to face him in order to close Shepard’s shirt.

The madman smiled, whispering, »By showing them the wrongs of their ways. By being there for them, when they go to this place of shame and madness. By being strong enough to lead them back into the light.«

Daring to look the lunatic in the eyes, Thomas pressed for details, »But how, Sir? How do they reach this place of darkness for you to lead them back into the light?«

»Ah, you’re so much smarter than them. I knew it«, Shepard laughed quietly and reached to palm Thomas’ cheek.

Thomas gasped and his eyes widened, »Sir? What are you doing?«

Shepard’s eyes were almost black or maybe it was just Thomas’ imagination running wild, but Thomas found himself transfixed, frozen. A memory tried to fight itself into his conscious, a memory Thomas never wished to remember.

Shepard seemed to pet his face, »Finding someone who is capable to follow my lead, someone who will assist me in curing weaker men…You’re perfect.« The man’s thumb caressed Thomas’ lips, »Perfect.«

»How…How do you cure them?« Thomas tried to back out of Shepard’s hands, but his grip strengthened. Shepard leaned way into Thomas personal space and Thomas had to refrain from kicking the man in his privates. Not that a kick would do much good, but the instinct was there… Shepard’s lips were only centimeters away and Thomas could feel the breath on his lips.

»By showing them the true depth of their mislead desire… You see, the path to erase a lust never fulfilled is to truly excel in it. I give them what they truly want until they lived out all evil energy«, Shepard explained further and inhaled deeply, which creeped Thomas out.

Fighting every instinct to flee, Thomas asked, »You’re willing to commit a sin for other people’s salvation?«

»I would do so much more than that for you…«, Shepard all but purred.

Thomas found it was time for resistance, »Me, Sir? I am not like that… I do not need to be saved.«

»You don’t need to hide from me, but I know what you are… and I am going to save you«, Shepard said in a tone as if he was calming a child.

Thomas tried to get free, but Shepard used his other hand to press Thomas against him. Way to moist lips pressed against Tomas mouth with force and Thomas tried again to get free. Finally, he managed to push Shepard away, »Sir, you are mistaken…«

»I am not, I will show you tonight. I don’t leave anyone behind. I will see you cured here or in my asylum that’s up to you«, Shepard said gracious as if he hadn’t just attempted to assault Thomas, but rather offered a gift.

At last the man took his jacket and left the room, leaving Thomas standing scared to bone…

 

 

 

Andrew

 

  
With careful steps, Andrew walked back to the now open door, only to find Mr Barrow leaning heavily at the closet, obviously crying and oblivious to Andrew coming into the room. He had heard and saw a good deal of what had transpired. Never in his life had Andrew witnessed such behavior. Andrew had almost burst in, but reasoned that it wouldn’t help Thomas. Instead he had hurried back behind a corner less he be seen by Shepard.

The underbutler looked pale and was visibly trembling. Cold anger crept up his throat, when Andrew began to understand what type of person that Shepard guy was and how his former friend had apparently suffered.

»Mr Barrow?... I saw Mr Shepard leaving for town« Andrew addressed him quietly as to not surprise him, but that just caused the underbutler to jump backwards, »I’m sorry, Mr. Barrow. I didn’t mean to startle you.«

Composing himself, Thomas waved it off, »It’s quite alright, Andrew. I’m… I’m sorry to disturb you, but I can’t lift the suitcase on my own, even if it’s empty. It appears to be made of stone, but it is broken at one end and I need to get it fixed.«

»Of course, I’m glad to help« Andrew replied, but Thomas just smiled ruefully, »No need lying, Andrew. I know you…« Thomas stopped himself, but Andew knew what he almost said and he couldn’t blame him. He did behave poorly as of late towards his once friend. What had Andrew even more at unease were however the still trembling hands of man before him. »Are you alright, Mr Barrow?«

  
»Yes!« Thomas exclaimed, only to reply more calmly, »Yes, of course I’m fine. Thank you for asking.«

Choosing his next words carefully, Andrew tried to prompt the shaken man to tell him what had transpired, »I guess it must be scary to work so closely for a man, who calls you… dangerous.«

»Many people can attest that I am dangerous«, Thomas countered bitterly, looking sad. But Andrew wouldn’t let him get away with it, »You know what I mean. It’s different.«

Thomas jaw set into a hard line, »Not to most people, not to you.«

Andrew almost shuddered at the accusation, »I shouldn’t have assumed that you…«

Thomas interrupted him with a broken voice, »No, after all that is what my kind does, isn’t it? Offender, threats to society… madmen and demons… that is what everyone thinks of us. Why should this situation be any different? What does it matter what he says, what he d…«

»What he what? Did he do something to you? Are you OK?«, Andrew pushed, but Thomas shook his head, »Don’t be ridiculous, Andrew. Mr Shepard is an example of virtue.«

The lie was so obvious that it was almost insulting, »I recall you lying better.«

»Leave it be, Andrew. Please. You shouldn’t get involved in this sordid affair.« Thomas seemed to get more agitated by the minute and Andrew knew that he had to do something, if I only knew what, »So something is bothering you? Does he… does he know?«

»Andrew, if our time of friendship back in London had any meaning to you, please… forget it. I’ll deal with this« Thomas pleaded with scared eyes.

Turning towards the suitcase he added much softer in tone, »Oh, and Andrew… I’ll tell no one that you can’t read. If you chose to trust me again, I’ll gladly try to teach you how to read or find another discreet tutor.«

Dumbstruck Andrew couldn’t but stare at the underbutler.

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

»To think that we have to bear these people for another week« Lord Grantham was visibly agitated and Bates couldn’t hold it against him. Helping his lordship into his vest, he admitted, »The servant’s won’t be sorry to see Mr Jones gone as well, My Lord.«

»I can only imagine what type of person would work for Mr Hardwood, not to mention Mr Shepard«, his Lordship agreed and turned towards the mirror to put his tie on, »When is his valet due to arrive?«

»Mr Shepard wasn’t sure. Apparently there was some family crisis«, Bates replied and folded the old clothes. He wasn’t sure whether he could stomach another of Mr Jones’ attitude. Anna certainly had found some colorful words for the man after he had yet again tried to convince the servants of Mr Hardwood’s noble cause during breakfast this morning.

»I have to admit that I am worried about Barrow acting as valet to that man, for obvious reasons«, said Lord Grantham into his thoughts.

Holding out the jacket, Bates reasoned, »I imagine that Thomas is acquainted with being discreet about that matter, My Lord.«

»I guess so, but that man… What a nasty fellow.«

»Indeed, My Lord. I will keep an eye on Mr Barrow«, Bates suggested and his Lordship seemed reassured by this, »Very good, Bates«

Well, whatever a dickhead Barrow was, Bates mused, he didn’t deserve to get put into an asylum for free experimentation. Once again, he found himself responsible for keeping his fiend save – what a strange world they lived in.

 

Shaking his head, he started to put the clothes away, when Andy came through the door just after his Lordship had left. The state of the young man let him halt in his motion, »Are you alright, Andrew?«

»No, Mr Bates, but I am not the one in trouble«, Andy said and closed the door.

What he told him let the blood freeze in his veins. Even before what had transpired with Green, Bates had no compassion left for these sick bastards.

»Please, Mr Bates. I know that you don’t like him and you don’t have to do anything but please tell me how I can help him?«, pleaded the footman clearly distressed and who could blame him?

But the issue wasn’t whether or not he wanted to prevent Thomas from being abused, »Mr Barrow’s word and yours for the matter won’t be enough to convict him of a crime. In the end we would play right into Shepard’s hands and he could take Thomas into his new asylum.«

Running his fingers through his hair, Andrew seemed ready to punch something, »What do we do then? We can’t just let that man rape him!«

»I have to talk to Thomas. We gonna need his help«, Bates answered and Andy looked doubtful his way, »Do you think he’ll admit anything to us?«

»If he is desperate enough, yes and after all you told me, I’m sure even Thomas will accept help«, he countered.

 

Reminding Andy to keep it quiet, he ushered him out of the room, while Bates followed and went straight to the nursery. If anything could soothe the underbutler, it would be the children.

Bates would never had guessed that the man had a way with children, but they loved him and just like a miracle the sadistic bully seemed to adore them. Certainly enough, he found the man just leaving the nursery.

»Mr Barrow, may I talk to you?«, he called out to the pale figure. Halting in his steps, Thomas waited for Bates to catch up with him,

»Of course. What can I do for you, Mr Bates?«

»Not here. It is something of a delicate nature. If we could talk in private?«, Bates advised and they went into a near guestroom. Folding his hands behind his back, it was clear as day how nervous the underbutler was and even Bates pitied him for his current situation.

Seeing no reason to prolong this, Bates simply went straight at it, »Andrew saw and heard what transpired between you and Mr Shepard.«

»What did he see that has you in such a mood?« Thomas countered and Bates had to refrain from raising his voice minding the delicate nature of Thomas’ issue and the man’s reluctance to admit it, »Do you really want to play this game? I know that the man is trying to blackmail you.«

Trying to look unfazed, Thomas retorted, »And?«

»You don’t want to tell me that you take no issue with that. I think I know you better. You’re scared and I understand why. You did not believe that anyone would believe your accusations« Bates was getting impatient, as time seemed to be of essence and Thomas seemed to come to the same conclusion.

Looking distinctly in the other direction he bit out, »There is no reason to believe that a man preaching to cure men like me is pressuring them to have sex with them.«

There was so much loathing in his voice. In a cold whisper Thomas shared an assumption Bates had already had himself, »I’m sure that I am not the first he has done that to.«

»Do you trust me?«

Thomas turned his head back to him, a rueful smile playing on the corners of his mouth, »Not in the least, but what choice do I have?«

Bates appreciated the honesty and yet there was one issue that needed to be addressed before they could plan anything. »You know that in order to compromise him you have to be… implicated?«

»They need to see« Thomas agreed even though reluctantly. »We just have to make sure that they see that I was not the instigator of this affair.«

 

 

 

Thomas

 

  
Everything goes according to plan. All is well and will be over soon. Just one ugly humiliating scene and you’re free from him, Thomas kept telling himself without success of calming him down. No matter how hard he tried to think of the relief afterwards, Thomas could only envision how his plan failed. Images of him being imprisoned, fired or set off to that horrid asylum Shepard would open.

No! Thomas reminded himself. Shepard would not open that damn thing. He would prevent it. He had to…

Determined he stepped into the room and was promptly greeted by Shepard, »Good evening, Thomas.«

»Good evening, Sir«, he replied and started to undress the man. Once again Shepard’s eyes followed his every move, as if in trance, »I admire your’ sense of duty. Few people show this trait nowadays. You really should think about working for me. I think we would both benefit from it.«

»I doubt that I am qualified for the work, Sir«, he answered and tried to work as fast as possible. Quickly he had the man out of his clothes and started to dress him for diner. Shepard remained uncharacteristically silent during the process, which somehow made Thomas even more nervous.

Thomas had made it so far as to help him into his shirt, when Shepard took hold of his hands. »Why are you so afraid, Thomas? I don’t mean you any harm… quite the opposite. I care for your well-being. I did care for your troubled mind before I even met you.«

That confused Thomas, even at this moment. He was obviously missing something, but couldn’t see what.

»What… what do you mean by that, Sir?« Thomas asked, observing the other man’s facial expression.

Shepard however just shook his head, »Nothing of importance.«

With force Shepard pressed Thomas flush against him, one hand at his back, the other was holding Thomas’ chin. The creep was smelling at Thomas’ neck like he was food waiting to be devoured and Thomas was close to vomiting. Through pressed teeth he begged, »Please, Sir. I told you that I’m not like that. I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t need to be cured.«

»I heard differently«, Shepard whispered huskily in hear and Thomas stomach began to turn. Unsurprising and yet too sudden, Thomas found himself kissed brutally. There was no finesse or gentleness just sheer force as if he wanted Thomas to submit through a kiss – and damn the man was strong – but not stronger than Thomas, who pushed him away.

»I’ m sure that you can dress yourself now, Sir. Please excuse me«, Thomas ushered and turned to leave. As predicted Shepard wasn’t having it and run after him out on the corridor. Thomas could have probably outrun him, but that wasn’t the plan and so he let Shepard catch him, who promptly pressed him against the wall…

 

 

 

Lord Grantham

 

  
»I am terribly sorry, My Lord, but there is an issue with the carpet on the main stairs. Mr Carson advises that it is safer to use one of the side-stairs«, Bates explained and guided his Lordship away from his usual way.

This just wasn’t his week. Robert could probably count himself lucky, if the kitchen hasn’t suddenly caught fire. Being less than amused, he grunted, »I hope this issue will be rectified as soon as possible.«

»Of course, My Lord. Andrew is guiding the guests as we speak«, Bates replied, jut when Andrew came into view with his guests.

»I am sorry for the inconvenience, Gentlemen«, he tried to apologize, but Napier waved off his apology, »Do not worry yourself, Lord Grantham. There are certainly worse things than taking the side-stairs.«

Even Hardwood seemed not in the least troubled by the circumstance, »Most certainly. I am used to the delights of harbors and fish. I assure you that the side-stairs won’t shook me, Lord Grantham.«

Well, it bothered him. In itself it wasn’t really worth mentioning but to appear less than standard in front Hardwood angered him more than Robert cared to admit. It angered him even more that it angered him. Hardwood wasn’t worth so much consideration in his opinion. They followed Andrew down the corridor, when they heard a distressed voice.

»Please I won’t tell anyone, Sir«

God, damn it!, Robert thought, that was Barrow. Hopefully Shepard didn’t catch on his inclination. His worry increased, when he recognized Shepard’s voice.

»Of course, you won’t.«

Intrigued, they looked around the corner down unto the store below them. Barrow was pressed against the wall by Shepard, who hold him by his livree, both were oblivious of being watched.

 

 

 

Thomas

 

  
»You’re seeing it all wrong.« Shepard spoke with barely contained frustration. »You see, the real problem with people nowadays is self-delusion. We build up fantastic worlds in our head. Worlds of peace, content, fulfillment. Worlds of adventures and lust, which can never become reality. We get frustrated with people, with everything and we begin to look for excitement to fill the void, to forget everything we’ll never have. Things that could never be…«

His hand right hand run down his chest until it grasped Thomas’ but cheek, while his left held Thomas in place. Thomas couldn’t risk looking up to check whether the timing was right and his salvation was watching.

Disgusted and close to tears he tried to at least get his face away from Shepard’s lips, who caressed his skin, while the madman was lulling him in with his lunatic views, »We delude ourselves in believing that these illusion are what we actually want… but that’s a lie… and once you act out your fantasies and see them for what they are, they’ll vanish. Just think… one night, one moment where fantasy becomes reality. A moment in which everything is possible and once you wake up… you’ll be truly free of all inanities holding you back.«

»You can’t ask that of me« Thomas countered and made an obvious attempt of pushing him away, but Shepard just pressed him harder into the wall. »Ask? I only ask of you to let me help you.«

»Yes, by blackmailing me. Either sleep with you or become the first lab-rat in your new asylum, even though I am not like that«, Thomas all but screamed at him all his won fear and anger coming to the forefront.

Shepard on the other hand didn’t seem to understand Thomas resistance and tried to reason with him as one would with a scared child that wouldn’t take his medicine, »I am not blackmailing you. I’d never do such a thing to a fellow sufferer… My dear, Thomas. All I want for you is to feel better, to finally overcome the illness ruining you life. Just imagine what your life could be, if you had the real chance of a wife, of children… a family.«

»How do I know that you don’t accuse me anyway and take me into your asylum?« Thomas wanted to know and hopefully their listeners to hear…

Shepard seemed honestly surprised by the accusation, »Why ever would I do that? You’ll be healed. Even though I wouldn’t stop you in coming back with me to heal others…«

Thomas had to hold back vomit when the implication sank in, »Did you heal many?«

»More than you know«, Shepard assured him with a big self-satisfied smile. Misinterpreting Thomas’ shock installed stillness caused by the implication, Shepard went in for a kiss, but Thomas was shaking his head in order to escape those damn too moist lips. »Don’t! I don’t want to, please! I do not share this infliction with you!«

»Denying it only prolongs the healing time. Trust me, I will help you. I’ll heal you!«, Shepard promised him, when a loud voice echoed down, »I for one do not think him in any need of healing.«

 

 

 

Lord Grantham

 

  
At least the man had the good measure to jump away from Barrow, Robert noted with satisfaction. For once, it was not barrow causing a scandal. In fact he was a victim of a guest no less and Robert was seething.

Shepard now fully aware of the four men standing above him, was flabbergasted. »Lord Grantham…«, he tried to turn the events around, »How good of you to come. I discovered something truly dreadful. Your underbutler here is a sick man. He tried to…«

»I think you ought to stop now, Mr Shepard. We all heard what transpired«, Napier interrupted the now pale man below them.

Robert couldn’t remember ever seen Napier looking so disgusted.

»No, you misunderstand…«, Shepard attempted to say, but Robert had enough, »Enough! How dare you abuse my hospitality this way? How dare you try to lay the blame on a man I know since he was just an adolescence?!«

»I will deal with him, Lord Grantham. I give you my word. He’ll never endanger another man again. I can only offer my deepest apologies for not having seen his madness before«, Hardwood said in a cold voice, his eyes throwing daggers at his once companion.

Robert considered the man beside him and implored him to be true to his word, »You’ll do that!«

Turning back at the scene below, he addressed the trembling victim still pressed against the wall, »Mr. Barrow, please go to your room and be assured that this kind of abuse will not be tolerated.«

Slowly nodding, Robert could clearly see his relief. »Thank you, My Lord«

»No! You cannot seriously believe a servant over me! He is sick, a pervert!« Shepard shouted and wanted to apprehend Barrow from escaping.

Napier raised his voice, furious at the audacity of the man he had to listen to for the last month, preaching against the very kind of men and women he belonged to. »Don’t make this any worse. We heard what you said. You tried to blackmail a loyal servant of this house.«

»All I wanted was to save him! Save him from himself«, Shepard tried to defend himself, which at last woke Barrow up from his shock, »But I don’t need to be saved Mr Shepard.«

»I agree. Do you really think I would let a dangerous person work at my house?« Robert came to Barrow’s defence, even though it was only half true. In his opinion there was a great difference between homosexuality and rape – and no servant of his would suffer such a fate at his watch. Just the thought of what had almost transpired… unthinkable…

Reality had finally caught up with Shepard and he turned furious to Barrow, »You! This is all your fault! He told me you’re a sneaky bastard! You filthy lavender whore!«

With these words he wanted to jump at Barrow but Andrew had the good foresight and had been going down to them and was now holding the screaming man. Soon Napier was beside him and helped him to get him back into his room.

Quickly Robert climbed down the stairs to where Barrow was still standing, while Hardwood went to phone the police.

Taking in the horrified man before him, Robert felt a great swell of pity for the man.

However there was something that had caught his attention. »Do you know, who he meant with “he”?«

Barrow seemed completely clueless, »Honestly, I have no idea.« Noting that the poor sod started to shake, Robert decided to let it be, »Well the man is mad, let’s leave it at that.«

»Thank you«, Barrow whispered and Robert found himself lost for words, »Mr Barrow, I… I cannot adequately express how sorry I am that this happened to you.«

»But My Lord believes me that I didn’t…«

»I know that you did not… instigate anything, Mr Barrow« Robert assured him, but one question still needed to be answered. »Why didn’t you say anything?«

»I’m sorry, My Lord, but I didn’t thought that anyone would believe me«, Thomas replied and Robert understood.

The word of a servant, especially Barrow’s word, would not have been enough to convince Napier or Hardwood… maybe not even him, if Robert was completely honest. It was no secret that Barrow was a shady character and it would have been hard for Robert to believe such an accusation.

Sighing, he admitted, »I guess your right… It is unbelievable. I cannot begin to fathom what you were going through, and to think that all this was happening under my roof…«

Barrow remained silent and Robert thought that he looked sick. No wonder after what he had been through…

Heavy breathing signaled the arrival of Carson, who came up the stairs.

Looking back at his solemn underbutler Robert said, »I am sure that Mr Carson doesn’t need your services today, I suggest you rest.« There was no need that Barrow had to explain everything to Carson right this moment and Barrow looked relieved, »Thank you, My Lord.«

Barrow hurried to servant stairs and Robert only hoped that this episode could be put to rest as fast as possible and turned to fill in his disturbed Butler in what had happened.

 

 

Carson

 

  
Carson could hardly believe it…

He had anticipated almost everything concerning Barrow, but that he was the victim of abuse by a preacher against… well, his own sort? No – he never would have been able to predict that.

He quickly had informed Mrs Hughes, who was now informing the staff, while his Lordship informed the family and oversaw that Mr Shepard was seen out by the police. Thankfully both Mr Napier and Mr Hardwood had promised that this incident would be handled discreet and without further inclusion of the family or Barrow for that matter… which left Carson with the task of consoling Barrow of all people… No, Carson reprimanded himself. Barrow for once was the victim, a real victim he added in thought, so Carson had to be careful. He honestly had no idea, how Barrow would cope with it, but he sincerely hoped that Barrow’s stubbornness would finally be good for something.

Reaching the man’ corridor he noticed Alexander standing disheartened in front of the bathroom door. »Alexander! What in God’s name are you doing up at this time?«

»I am sorry, Mr. Carson but I needed to know, if Mr. Barrow is okay. I heard him crying coming up the stairs but he said he just fell and went to take a bath«, the boy replied and looked clearly disturbed.

Carson cursed, why had this happened in Downton?! He was not made for these… kind of things…

»Is he okay, Mr Carson?«, Alexander repeated, when Carson failed to answer and prompted the butler to take action, »Of course, Alexander. Mr Barrow just had a little accident, that is all. Now go back to bed and I look after Mr Barrow.« There was no reason to burden the hallboys with such horrors. Looking up, he saw the other two hallboys looking out of their room and added, »That goes for you too!«

Obediently they all went back, which left Carson alone in front of the bathroom door. As expected the door was closed.

Carefully Carson knocked at the door, »Mr Barrow? Would you open the door?«

After a few seconds a small voice answered, »I just need a minute… Please, Mr Carson… I am fine, really.«

Although it was clear that Barrow wasn’t fine, there was little use in pressuring the man further. In Carson’s opinion such things are better left to privacy anyway.

»Rest, then. Mrs Hughes will bring you something to eat later and we’ll talk tomorrow«, Carson said and was glad to leave this talk for another day.

 

 

 

Thomas

 

  
Silence… finally there was silence…

One breath after another… in and out… in and out…

The door is closed… no one will come in… you are alone…

It is over… over, he can’t hurt you… he won’t hurt anyone anymore… thanks to you…

Thomas repeated it over and over in his head

You are safe… safe…

His mind didn’t seem to be able to form coherent thoughts…

He tried to concentrate on the solid wall behind his back and the concrete floor he was sitting on.

Just continue to breath… don’t let the memories return… no memories… he was safe…

…lips forcefully pressing on his lips

 

No!... keep breathing… remember, where you are… you are in the bath…

… a heavy body pressing him down… pressing into him

 

No!... Shepard had pressed him against the wall… he hadn’t…

 

His hand had found its way to his concealed scar and Thomas startled at his own motion. Shepard was gone, re reminded himself… gone and he wouldn’t come back, just as that man would never be back…

Never…

 

 

 

Carson

 

  
The next morning found the senior staff at the table in the servant hall discussing last evening.

No one could really believe it and yet everyone agreed that Shepard is a despicable sort. Amid their conversation, a man with a suitcase let himself in, escaping the strong rain of this dark morning.

Putting down the suitcase, the man smiled at the servants, »Good morning! I am terribly sorry for interrupting, but it is pouring outside.«

»Mr Goodfellow? Oh, dear what a pleasant surprise!« Mrs Hughes exclaimed, when she recognized the friendly face.

Making a little bow the handsome man replied in a warm voice, »The pleasure is all mine, Mrs Hughes.«

Mrs Hughes laughed and gestured toward Anna, »You remember Anna, of course?«

»Certainly! Still as charming as the day I left Downton«, countered Mr Goodfellow and Anna smiled kindheartedly at her former friend, »You don’t seem to have changed at all. If I may introduce my husband, John Bates.«

»Glad to make your acquaintance«, Bates greeted the man and asked, »So you used to work here?«

»Yes, I used to be a footman, but was then offered a position as valet for another Lord and couldn’t resist the opportunity«, Mr Goodfellow answered.

»And what brings you here after all this time?« Mr Carson inquired glad to focus on something else than the sordid affair of last evening.

Smiling he replied, »Well, Mr Carson, I am the valet of Mr Shepard.

At that a sullen silence fell over the room, leaving Mr Goodfellow confused.

Thankfully, Mrs Hughes explained briefly what had transpired.

 

What followed was a long silence in which the valet tried to comprehend what he’d been told. After some endless minutes of uncomfortable silence Mr Goodfellow asked at last, »You mean to say that he is imprisoned?«

»Yes, I am sure that must come to a surprise to you…« Anna tried to console him.

Completely shocked the valet sat down on the nearest chair, mumbling, »I actually never really liked the man – poor manners and what terrible attitude – but I was just glad to find a job – and I have no idea what I will do now – but I never suspected him to… Oh, no… to think that I might have done something to prevent… Oh, dear Lord! What have I done?«

»You haven’t done anything, Mr Goodfellow«, Mrs Hughes tried to calm the agitated man and Bates ascertained further, »These people are good at hiding what they’re doing that is what makes them so dangerous. You couldn’t have known.«

As if struck by a thought, Mr Goodfellow jumped out of the chair, »Wait, how did it come out? Was someone… I mean, is everyone all right?«

Anna laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, »Mr Barrow will be alright once he had time to calm down. Luckily nothing too serious had taken place before his Lordship intervened.«

»Barrow? You don’t mean Thomas? The little Thomas Barrow?«, the valet inquired looking even more distraught.

Anna smiled ruefully, »Well, he is not so little anymore, but yes.«

Sinking back onto the chair Mr Goodfellow seemed totally perplexed, »Dear Lord, poor Thomas... He must be shocked to the core…«

Carson nodded, »He is still resting. I gave him the day off.«

»That is probably for the best. I just wished that I knew what to do now…«, the valet whispered more to himself than to the others.

Sharing a look Mr Hughes nodded and Mr Carson tried to soothe his former subordinate, »I’m sure that his Lordship will let you rest here for a few days at lest. I will talk to him.«

Relieved the valet thanked him in honest and Anna gave him a cup of tea to calm down. Just in that moment Thomas Barrow walked into the servants hall…

 


	7. Living memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all so much for the kudos and the lovely comments - not to mention your patience for the next chapter ;)

Thomas

 

A victory should feel different, Thomas thought. But truth be told, Thomas was restless and at the same time so damn tired, like his mind needed rest, but was frightened what memories lurked in the silence of inactivity.

Trying to calm his mind, he concentrated on the feeling of water against his skin. After everyone had gone down, Thomas had sneaked into the bath. No one disturbs you while you take a bath. He couldn’t muster enough strength yet to face their faked compassion, their knowing looks… maybe even doubts about the whole affair. No, Thomas decided, the gentle embrace of warm water could soothe him way better than any forced platitudes or awkward silence ever could.

At least he had this day to himself. Tomorrow however would be different. Tomorrow he was expected to act as though nothing had ever happened. How did Carson phrase it? »Take the day of. All will be fine, after a day of rest.« Yes, of course all will be fine and apparently all will be fine in maximal one day, because that seems to be the disappearing rate of trauma. Naturally Thomas didn’t voice his real opinion on the matter and simply nodded.

Carson wouldn’t understand it either way, even if he cared and Thomas knew for certain that the butler did not care.

Memories threatened to overwhelm him and for once Thomas was just too tired to fight them off…

  
_No one beat him, no one called him names and no one caged him. Thomas was fed, well fed at that, he had his own bed and people were nice to him. Not to mention that there was a whole library he was allowed to use. Downton Abbey was the closest Thomas had ever been to paradise. He was loving every minute of it!_

_Yes, even the work he didn’t mind. It was even kind of calming. The routine to know what to do next, when to eat, to sleep. It was so much easier than living on the streets. Of course, the other hallboys didn’t understand his motivation. No one must know of his past and no one must know what Thomas was. Those were two of his sacred laws and at least in terms of the first he was quite sure that no one assumed anything, the second however… was harder to conceal and Thomas guessed that Mr. Carson already had a notion. He couldn’t explain the butler’s anticipating looks otherwise. It was almost as if he was searching for proof, but Thomas wouldn’t give him any reason to think that he was one of these sorts. Never let anyone think that your different was a lection Thomas had to learn quickly._

_Don’t draw because boys don’t draw._

_Do sports because boys love sports._

_Don’t excel or fail in school no matter whether you could do more or think something boring, just don’t stand out._

_Keep your head low if others think them superior._

_Keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself, so no one can use them against you._

_Never watch other boys too closely._

_Never be alone with someone who looks funny at you._

_Thomas had many rules, but here at Downton many of them seemed unnecessary. No one had tried to hurt him in the three months he was here, not counting the bickering of the other hallboys. Three whole months! Yes, the work was hard, but Thomas knew worse, way worse. He even thought that he may have found a friend. Certainly not one of the hallboys, who were all very silly. But Anna the maid was very nice and seemed just as relieved and happy to be here as he. He often found himself sitting next to her talking about books, work, the weather and she would smile as if she actually wanted to hear what he was thinking. If his books and observations were to be believed their relationship could be near to friendship and Thomas was eager to have a friend of his own._

_»You did a wonderful job, as always«, a voice brought him back to the present._

_There in the doorway stood Gideon the first footman._

_Lowering his head Thomas replied with a solemn, »Thank you, Sir.«_

_Thomas always felt somehow uncertain in the footman’s presence. Not that he had ever said or done anything, but still Thomas tried to stay away from the man. He couldn’t really place the reason for his attempt at avoiding the first footman. For all he witnessed and for what he had heard Goodfellow was a nice man, friendly and helpful to all. Even Mr Carson smiled now and then when he talked with him. Thomas put it down to paranoia. Too many men had tried to use him, when he was a helpless kid living from next to nothing on the streets. As a no one nobody was interested in your well-being or your opinion and certainly nobody cared to protect you, which was why Thomas strove to rise the hierarchical ladder and to become someone. A someone like Gideon, who was liked and respected._

_Said someone came closer standing beside him in order to inspect his work closer. Gideon was only about ten years older than him, but he already had earned his position as first footman. His judgement meant a lot. Maybe Thomas should get over his damn prejudice and try to keep in with him, observing, learning and maybe a good word with Mr Carson would improve his work and his relationship with the butler._

_Aiming for criticism he ventured, »Did I do it properly, Sir?«_

_A bright smile appeared on a the other man’s face, »More than properly. Was this your first attempt at cleaning silver on your own?«_

_»Yes, Sir«, Thomas answered in a hushed but still proud voice. After all, Mr Carson had trusted him enough to do work usually overseen or done by a footman. At least Mr Carson seemed to think him capable that or he was hoping for Thomas to fail. Either way he seemed to have done a good job._

_Gideon went to leave but not before turning back once more saying, »Mr Carson will be impressed, which is hard enough as it is. I know that I’m impressed, Thomas. You will get far if you keep up this good work.«_   
  


How was Thomas to know of Goodfellow’s intentions? Everyone liked him and he was always helpful and friendly. Yet, Thomas thought with deep bitterness a part of him had had doubts from the get-go. If only he had listened to that tiny voice whispering to be cautious…

Thomas shook his head. It was too easy to find fault in his own actions even if it was really that man’s fault.

He remembered all too well, how the footman had groomed Thomas to trust him…

  
_»Dear boy, haven’t you read that book at least two times since you’re here?« Mrs Hughes asked Thomas, who sat at the table in the servant hall, while the housekeeper and Anna were knitting._

_Anna laughed, »More like four times.«_

_»I like it«, Thomas defended the book and himself half-heartedly not wanting to openly disagree with her. Not that Mrs Hughes took it as such. She simply shook her head, »I didn’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t read, although you might put in some more realism into your selection. Nonetheless it wouldn’t hurt you to play with the other hallboys.«_

_Damn, Thomas thought. He’d seen it coming for a while now, but had hoped that Mrs Hughes understood that he didn’t get along with the three nitwits. It was hard enough to sleep in the same room with them, he couldn’t muster any more enthusiasm to endure one minute longer in their company than necessary._

_Looking for the right way of addressing the issue without actually speaking about it, Thomas explained, »I… I prefer reading, Mrs Hughes, if that is alright.«_

_»Reading is always good«, sounded Gideon's voice from the entrance. With his trademark-smile he sat down opposite from Thomas. »My favorite is Walter Scott’s Ivanhoe.«_

_Mrs Hughes smirked at the footman’s confession, »I think Thomas could do with less magical humbugs.«_

_»Well, judging from our Thomas’ expression he doesn’t like knights in shining amour.« Gideon countered, leaving Thomas school his facial expressions back into a blank, which in turn made the footman laugh, »Don’t worry. I’m just pulling our leg. Why don’t you like knights, though?«_

_Thomas had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. Did the footman really thing so shallow or so dumb? He wasn’t a child that was easily blended by a shining armor and grand fights, »I don’t dislike all knights. It’s just… most knights are really dumb even though they are supposed to be bright and brave. Instead they hurt or kill people without thinking in order to earn honor just then to realize that they made a mistake, and then have to repent for their wrongdoings by earning honor.«_

_It was likely the most Thomas has spoken in his time at Downton and Thomas could feel his cheeks redden, but instead of laughter, Gideon seemed pleasantly surprised, while Mrs Hughes and Anna only seemed surprised to hear him actually voice an opinion._

_»That is actually pretty accurate, but you have to forgive them their stupidity, we can’t all be such a clever lad as you, or can we Mrs Hughes?« Gideon replied with a mischievous wink at Mrs Hughes, who chuckled, »A bit too clever now and then I think.«_

_The footman was a mystery to Thomas. His suspicions rattled him, as the footman proved time and again that he felt no ill will towards Thomas._

_Looking shortly at his cover of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, he could not but ask, »Do you like to read, Sir«_

_»As a youth I certainly did« The footman answered, resulting in a kind smile from Anna, »You are not that old, Sir.«_

_»I quite agree« Mrs Hughes interjected with a smirk._

_»Well, maybe I should rephrase that« Gideon offered. »As a child I liked to read the day away and many nights to my mother’s dismay, but now as footman I usually never have the time or the energy to read, when the work is finally done. A pity. I miss it and I miss writing too.«_

_»You wrote your own stories, Sir?« Thomas interest was peaked. Hardly anyone here read, or at last not much._

_With a knowing look on his face Gideon answered, »Indeed I did. I liked to play a little writing-game.«_

_»What writing-game, Sir?« Thomas wanted to know and even Anna seemed interested._

_Leaning back into the chair, the footman explained, »Well, I selected about three objects that were in sight, picked a person I met that day and conjured up a story and in time I would connect many stories into a big one.«_

_»I never knew you are an author, Sir.«_

_»Oh dear mercy, no! I would never claim such a thing. Nothing was ever good, but I loved doing it«, the footman exclaimed and turned his attention back to Thomas, »What about you Thomas, do you write?«_

_»I wouldn’t dare, Sir«, Thomas tried to object, but the footman waved off his apology, »Nonsense! Not everything you do has to be perfect, a little imperfection is quite charming to the Ladies actually.«_

_His last comment got him a warning stare from Mrs Hughes, which left quickly to add, »I mean not that you should be interested in Ladies yet!«_

_Anna and Thomas chuckled, although Thomas more of nervousness._

_The topic of girls always left him nervous. Gideon leaned towards Thomas turning serious, »But, I think you should try it. Maybe it will loosen you up a little. Your always so tight lipped and straight that I run in danger of getting a cramp for you.«_

_Joining the footman’s assessment Mrs Hughes stressed, »Some relaxation might be good for you, Thomas.«_

_Even Anna looked warmly at Thomas, »It can’t hurt, you know.«_

_Being faced by such an opposing force Thomas mumbled, »Maybe…«_

_Finally alone, Thomas thought. Well, almost, he added to the grand old lady in front of him. The hallboys had been even more tedious in their continuous teasing than usually. Some quiet work was exactly what Thomas needed right know. The work with clocks had always had something akin to a sacral ritual. The mere thought of the age of the old lady before him left him speechless. How much she must has witnessed and yet, a simply hallboy was allowed an intimate relationship with her, allowed to care for her._

_A clock never judged. True some at a temperament not for easy spirited, but they had a right to be._

_»Well, I’ll be damned« A well-known voice sounded from behind and Thomas turned around from the clock in the hallway to greet the smiling footman, »Sir! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.«_

_But the footman waved off his apology and inspected his work, »Don’t threat. I’m just amazed that you are also a clock-expert. I thought Anna was kidding, when she told me you would tend to the clocks instead of me or Mr Carson.«_

_»My father is a clockmaker, Sir«, Thomas answered proudly. He took pride to have earned so much about clocks, although he had to leave when he was only ten._

_The footman looked pleasantly surprised all be it confused, »Really? Why, then are you here and not helping in your father’s shop? Do you have an older brother?«_

_Thomas shouldn’t have said so much. Now they were reaching a dangerous topic. Trying for nonchalant Thomas answered, »No, Sir. I have an older sister, who is already engaged to an apprentice of father.«_

_»Still strange to kick you out« Gideon countered and Thomas cursed the footman’s insightfulness, but Gideon laughed at Thomas worried expression and whispered into his ear, »Don’t worry. I might be notoriously curious but I’m also very trustworthy with secrets.«_

_»As it is required of a servant, Sir« Thomas answered dutifully._

_Gideon chuckled and leaned even closer, »Indeed, but you’ll find that not every servant shares that trait. You should be cautious around the hallboys and Mrs O’Brien.«_

_»I don’t have anything to hide, Sir« Thomas rushed to say, although he had already singled out to ever to trust any of the other hallboys and he never wanted to cross Mrs O’Brien. That woman seemed to thrive on the misery of others._

_Gideon laughed, »Then you shall be fine, or… if you are human just like everyone else and you do have to keep something secret, know that you can be certain of my help.«_

_»Thank you, Sir. That is very kind of you«, Thomas said and found himself surprised about the kindness the first footman saw fit to bestow him._

_»Don’t mention it. I like persons with secrets especially hard-working lads, who are as friendly as you. That is sadly not a common thing«, Gideon replied, clapped him on the shoulders and left Thomas standing in the hall way._

_It seemed that Thomas had misjudged the man completely. In fact, he could proof to be a mentor and a friend. Still there was a whispering voice in the back of his head that cautioned him to stay away from the footman._

_He just wasn’t used to being treated with respect and care, Thomas reasoned. If he didn’t anyone o judge him for living on the streets for a while, he had to be fair to others. Just because he had bad experiences with other man in higher positions than him didn’t mean that every superior was out to hurt him. His behavior towards the footman wasn’t fair._

_Looking back at the clock Thomas decided to give Gideon a chance…_

  
It turned out be a fatal decision.

God, he had been young then… and yet, not much had changed. He was still at Downton looking out for himself, because no one else cared. His hand caressed the old scar over his heart. At least this time he was able to prevent it. He simply had to hold o to this thought and then – how did Carson put it? – would everything be alright.

 

Downstairs they’d probably finished breakfast…

Well, Thomas decided, it would do him no good to hide in here forever, not that he had the option. But the sooner they saw him, the sooner they could get it out of their system and gossip – hopefully without him in earshot.

Taking courage, Thomas dressed and concealed the scar once more together with the memories he had let slip back into his conscious mind. The past was no place to roam for too long. It was just sad the Thomas couldn’t picture a more pleasant future.

On his way downstairs he almost colluded with a maid. With wide opened eyes she kept starring at him instead of making way or apologizing. Thomas cleared his throat, which at last broke her out of her trance and she hurried to say, »I’m sorry, Mr Barrow. I hope you feel better soon.«

Better?

Well, it couldn’t get any more awkward than that, Thomas decided. Taking his chin up Thomas continued his way downstairs, where he could hear the well-known voices of the other servants. Determined he stepped into the servant’s hall and froze in his steps…

 

For a moment he wondered whether or not he’d finally lost his mind. Surely he wasn’t standing in the servant’s hall. There was no way that would be true and yet…

»Mr Barrow!« Mrs Hughes exclaimed »I didn’t thought you would be up already.«

Thomas however just stared at the man. Etiquette forgotten.

»You remember Mr Goodfellow?«, he heard Anna addressing him, when he didn’t react, but Thomas seemed to have forgotten how to move. Although a strong voice in the back of his mind ushered him to not make a scene and to behave normally, Thomas was frozen, unable to think.

Only when Goodfellow made a move to go to him, Thomas awoke from his trance and stepped back. Goodfellow at least had the sense to halt in his motion and tried to appease him, »Thomas, I just heard what…«

»I remember. May I ask why he is here?« Thomas interrupted him and addressed Anna and Mrs Hughes instead of the valet without letting the man out of his sight.

Slightly confused Mrs Hughes replied, »He is… was Mr Shepard’s valet. He will stay here for a few days to sort himself out.«

»You«, Thomas said in a cold voice.

It wasn’t a question. The moment Mr Hughes said it everything seemed to make sense. It was obvious who told Shepard about him and at least for Thomas there was no doubt that Goodfellow had knew all along about Shepard’s treatments, properly even helped with some…

Ever the actor, Goodfellow looked down seemingly ashamed, »I know how this must look to you, Thomas but I had no idea that…« »Of course«, Thomas interrupted him once more. He had no patience to hear anymore lies. »No one will believe that you would have anything to do with any of it.«

The others were very likely fooled by his show, but Thomas knew him better. The two-faced man would never fool him again.

Feeling unbelievably tired once again, he simply turned back towards the stairs, mumbling, »Please excuse me, I’ll be in my room.«

He hoped that his rude behavior would be dismissed as mere tantrum due to shock and in a way it was. Going up the stairs he heard Mrs Hughes apologize towards Goodfellow, »You must excuse his behavior. I’m sure he is just under the weather after last evening.«

»Still, his behavior was lacking«, he heard Carson criticizing.

Of course, Goodfellow took it as chance to display his compassion and good-nature, »Oh, please don’t judge him for it, Mr Carson. Such a trauma… I can’t even begin to fathom what he went through.«

He couldn’t hear what else was said and he didn’t want to hear anymore.

 

 

Time itself seemed broken somehow. Like the past had covered the present and the present had left to remain in the shadow of a ghost from ancient times. Just for a minute Thomas even believed it to be the result of him letting himself remember the man this morning – utter nonsense of course, but Thomas couldn’t shake the feeling of having called this on himself…

No!, he reminded himself. It wasn’t your fault back then. What happened with Shepard wasn’t your fault and that he was here was most certainly not Thomas fault – it was Goodfellow’s fault, all of it.

The only problem was that this little fact never seemed to matter.

Thomas just hoped that the man would be gone soon. After all the Granthams couldn’t afford another servant and Goodfellow needed work. It was this thought that let him finally sank to the floor, all the energy had left his body and he rested his head against the door. How often had Thomas sat at this very spot close to despair? He couldn’t measure a guess. What a sad realization, offered a small part of his brain that still seemed to function.

He was back. How could he be back?

It seemed like another lifetime ago and yet, the same man was now at Downton once again making nice with everyone, fooling everyone…

Everyone but Thomas. Although he would probably only be staying for a couple days, Thomas decided to keep an eye on him and the hallboys. There was no reason to temp fate. Strike that, Thomas corrected his own thoughts. Fate had nothing to do with it. Carelessness in the face of a proven abusive pervert would be stupid but not a sign for a plan by a higher deity. Fate had nothing to with it, Thomas reasoned. Goodfellow was just a person, a despicable person, but nothing more.

A few days, however, could turn out be way too long. Even though Goodfellow would be outright stupid to try anything while here, Thomas wouldn’t let him out of sight, not for a moment. Maybe no one had looked out for him, but he would not allow anything to happen to the hallboys. He would protect them, there was no question.


	8. no rest for the victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments!
> 
> Sadly, everything seemed to happen at the same time as of late. Thus I couldn't post sooner even though I hate to wait for chapters myself ;)
> 
> As was pointed out, I made a mistake in letting everyone call Goodfellow by his surname in the flashbacks, although he used to be a footman and should be called by his given name, which is Gideon, by the way.
> 
> I will also try and make the format easier to read. I'm still trying to figure out the workings of this site ;)
> 
> Please enjoy!

Back then, when it happened and a long time after Goodfellow was gone, Thomas couldn’t bear to be touched. There mere thought of another person grapping him… catching him in any way let him recoil.

It was strange how his fear had morphed into a fear of loneliness over the years. His fear of being touched had slowly transformed into an almost desperate desire to be hold. Right at this very moment Thomas wished for nothing more than to be hold. A gentle embrace of a friend or the warm arms of a caring lover. Thomas had neither, just a cold bed in a room full of horrid memories. How wonderful it must be to have someone to keep them at bay, to whisper words of reassurance and understanding. A guiding presence through the nightmares…

Could memories come alive? Could nightmares come alive?

 

»What memories these walls hold.« A well too known voice disturbed his thoughts and who could it be but that sordid bastard standing in the doorway. At once Thomas was out of his bed, »What are you doing here?«

»To apologize, of course. After all, my former employer attempted to cure you of your sinful ways«, Goodfellow answered innocently, stepping further into the room.

Bristling Thomas countered, »Did he cure you from your sinfulness?«

»Would you like to find out?« the bastard said with something akin to hope and Thomas was close to lose his countenance, »Not if you want to find my fist in your smug visage.«

His threat however just made the bastard laugh, »I knew you wouldn’t have lost your touch.«

»Did you purposely direct him in my direction?« Thomas demanded to know.

»No one needs to be pointed into your direction, my dear Thomas. You claim all attention the minute you enter a room. Many Lords would pay a good sum of money to have that flair.«

Goodfellow dismissed Thomas accusation in an almost seductive voice and with wandering eyes. The nerves of this man…

 

»You cannot possibly believe that some flatteries could make up for your atrocities«, Thomas pressed out through his teeth.

The man couldn’t possibly believe him to still be a naïve child and yet, Goodfellow reprimanded him as one would a child, »Such a nasty word, but you always had a way to connotate the most wonderous things in a nasty manner. I’m sure glad that hasn’t changed.«

 

»Get out of my room«, Thomas demanded in a cold voice.

»Ah, yes. Your room.« Goodfellow looked around their former room as if he remembered a pleasant day in the countryside.

Once his eyes had found Thomas again, the man whispered with excitement, »Please, tell me. Was it a better remembrance of me than my gift to you? I don’t suppose you would let me see it?«

A cold shudder ran down Thomas’ spine, when the memories of his “gift” flashed before his eyes and his hand wanted grasp the remains of it. Determined Thomas shook his head. He wouldn’t be intimidated by that man.

Slowly he stepped right in front the man, who was still taller than him, »Get out!«

 

But of course, the bastard didn’t move and just smiled at him in wonder.

 

 

Only Alexander’s small voice saved Thomas from having to explain why he broke Goodfellow’s nose.

 

Clearly uncomfortable the hallboy stood in the doorway saying, »I’m sorry to disturb, Sirs. But His Lordship would like to see you both in the library.«

 

»Well, we can’t let Lord Grantham wait now, can we…?« Goodfellow replied at once and turned towards the nervous boy, who obediently offered his name, »Alexander, Sir.«

Showcasing a bright smile, the valet inquired, »Alexander… what a beautiful name. Are you named after Alexander the Great?«

»No, that was just my grandfather’s name, Sir«, Alexander replied subdued.

 

It was clearly time for Thomas to interfere. »Alexander. Thank you for the information, but I think you should go and help Gerald and Alan now.«

»Yes, Mr Barrow« Alexander answered and hurried away.

 

»Oh, do you really believe I would harm him? He is such a cute boy, reminds me of you a little«, Goodfellow laughed and led the way to the library.

 

 

 

Thankfully, Goodfellow chose not to engage in any further conversation with Thomas, who was seething. At the very least, Thomas concluded, there was no doubt whether or not that man had changed. Not that Thomas had been in danger of suffering a guilty conscious even if he had orchestrated his murder – oh, what a sweet thought that was…

 

His visions about a slow and painful death for the sadist in front of him came to a sudden end, when they reached the library, where were met by his Lordship and Lady Mary.

»Ah, Barrow. I hope you were able to rest after this unfortunate incident«, Lord Grantham greeted Thomas.

»I have, My Lord. Mr Carson was so generous to give me the day of«, Thomas replied as was expected of him. After all, a day of rest was the servant’s equivalence of intensive therapy.

 

Lord Grantham didn’t disappoint in his reaction either ever an example of the gentry, prepared to patronize those who are beneath them in rang. Acting as though they care, showcasing their benevolent side to the world – Ladies and Gentleman, did you see my compassion for the poor! Be aware of my greatness!

In reality that translated to a small waving hand gesture and a »Oh, don’t speak of it. I just wished I could do more.«

 

At least Lady Mary rolled her eyes. She seemed to be more in touch with the servant’s perspective as of late. Thomas respected that about her, that and her stubbornness in achieving her own goals. »We are very sorry that you had to endure such mistreatments in our home, Mr Barrow. I know that these words must seem shallow to you, but please be assured of our regret and that this vile man will pay for his crimes«, Lady Mary spoke up addressing Thomas directly.

»Thank you, My Lady. I’m just glad that this man could be stopped«, Thomas answered, while wishing someone would do something about the even greater threat standing now behind him.

 

Like on cue Lord Grantham turned to Goodfellow, »That leads us to you Mr Goodfellow. I’m sad to see you again under such circumstances. I wanted to speak to you about your work for Shepard.«

Goodfellow bowed like the good servant he was, »Of course, My Lord. I will gladly answer all your questions.«

 

Thomas could have vomited right then.

Remembering that the actual victim of this affair was still standing there Lord Grantham dismissed Thomas, »Once again, I want to express our deepest apologies, Mr Barrow. Please go and rest now.«

Rest.

Of course, Thomas needed rest, but with that creep in their midst there was no chance for that.

 

Instead of going back to his room, Thomas remained behind the closed doors to the library, where could hear the ham actor at his best.

»I will go to the police station at once. The sooner that man is dealt with the better… and as far away from Downton as possible.« »I wholeheartedly agree, but the detective is still occupied with the testimonies of Mr Napier and Mr Hardwood and has asked that you’ll come tomorrow.«

»As I understood you’re now in need of work.«

»Yes, My Lord. I’m afraid that these are hard times for servants. It was the sole reason I worked for Mr Shepard.« »These are hard times for all of us. Thus, I am sorry to say that we can’t offer you work, but you are very welcomed to stay for a few days and we will make some inquiries.«

 

Oh, what an sneaky bastard that man was, Thomas thought, when a voice startled him, »Mr Barrow?«

Alarmed Thomas turned around to find Alexander looking at him with concern.

Seeing the boy standing there with his big worried eyes just enforced his determination of protecting him and the others.

Ushering to follow him, Thomas led them away from the door. When he was certain to be out of earshot, he decided to warn the naïve boy, »Would you do me a favor?«

»Of course, Sir«, Alexander replied without hesitation.

Nodding Thomas enjoined him, »As long as Mr Goodfellow stays here at Downton I want you to stay with the other hallboys at all time.«

 

At that Alexander turned white, »But they…«

»I know. Believe me, I know. But it is saver if you will stay in a group«, Thomas tried to implore. It was better for him to bear some teasing than anything Goodfellow had to offer.

Alexander naturally didn’t understand that, »Why? I thought he didn’t know…«

»Better to be save than sorry. Not everyone is as they appear. Will you promise me?«

 

Finally, Alexander nodded in agreement, promising, »Yes, Mr Barrow. We will stay together.«

Relieved Thomas send him to the others, »Good, now go to the others.«

 

He couldn’t take a chance. Luckily it would only be for a few days. That thought was his lifeline. The question was how to keep the hallboys save…

 

He couldn’t count on the other servants, who either liked and trusted Goodfellow more than Thomas or believed the other’s judgement of that man’s character. Not to mention that every concern he might utter would simply be put down to him being paranoid after Shepard – or worse, they could think that he used it as way to get rid of Goodfellow for selfish reasons.

 

No, he couldn’t pull off the same strategy with Goodfellow as he had done with Shepard, that would look suspicious and he couldn’t count on Goodfellow’s stupidity. The man was much smarter than Shepard. In the end that only left a simple observation.

 

Thomas hadn’t even realized that he’d gone up the stairs. Pondering the question of how to observe him without the others noticing, Thomas had instinctively searched for the highest observation point.

Only when Anna called after him, did he realize where he was, »Mr Barrow?«

 

Turning towards her, he asked, »Anna? How may I help you?« Anna was visibly agitated and seemed hesitant to address him now that he had stopped, »It is more… what I can do for you. I wanted to… offer my assistance, if you need it.«

 

The last thing Thomas needed right now, were people making a patient out of him to reassure themselves of their own glorious compassion, »I thank you for your concern, but I don’t see…«

»You know that… I was…«, Anna cut in and looked away blushing.

 

Belatedly Thomas understood. Of course, this whole affair would remind her of her own experience and Thomas felt guilty for not having thought of it.

It had been hard enough to swallow not to have recognized Green for what he was. The realization that Thomas may have prevented it, if he hadn’t been focused on men looking after men. But the truth was simple, he hadn’t even thought about looking out for Anna or the maids. He had just put the responsibility on Mrs Hughes’ shoulders.

Ashamed he looked down on the ground, »Yes… I know… and I’m sorry that happened to you. To this day I can’t understand that I didn’t caught up on it, but then I’m more used to men looking at other… well, men.«

 

She still couldn’t meet his eyes, but a small rueful smile appeared, »You never know. That is what makes these people so dangerous.«

»Yes, it does«, was all he could think of to say and really what more was there to say?

 

Nodding in agreement Anna finally looked at him, »Well, if you change your mind and you want to talk, I’ll listen.«

»Thank you, Anna, truly, but I don’t need to talk about it.« Thomas mumbled and was glad that Anna seemed to accept it giving him a small smile before she left.

 

Wasn’t it strange, Thomas thought, how times could change, how much people could change?

How many years now had they spent tolerating each other, when they used to be friends…

 

 

…

_Normally he only drew, when he was in his room alone, but as he was sharing his room with two other hallboys those instances became a rarity._

_So, Thomas had looked forward to his halfday and a sunny day in the open. Here between the forest and the small lake no one would bother to come up from the pathway just to speak to him._

_Finally, he had time to draw and dream of stories._

 

_It always amazed him how some lines could recreate a moment of reality. However, what amazed him the most was what he drew was in fact reality. Full of pride and joy Thomas looked at Anna’s gentle smile, the honesty in her eyes and the acceptance that was reflected in her whole demeanor. Anna was his friend…_

_Thomas had a friend – wasn’t it marvelous?_

 

_»Hello there«, a voice startled him and he nearly jumped up, when he discovered the first footman coming up the pathway and even sitting down next to him._

 

_Laughing about Thomas’ nervousness, he implored, »Relax, Thomas. I just saw you up here, when I came back from the village and wanted to see what you were doing all alone.«_

_»I… I did nothing, Sir. Nothing of importance that is«, Thomas stumbled to reply._

_Chuckling Gideon countered, »Well, I thought you draw or write something into that bock of yours and if you are doing this on your halfday, I’d say it is of importance to you.«_

 

_Feeling a blush spreading across his cheeks, Thomas replied, »It’s just a silly habit, Sir.«_

 

_»Just because the other hallboys call it silly doesn’t make it so«, the footman remarked and added leaning closer, »Would you show me?... You see, I’m awfully curious«_

 

_Feeling like he couldn’t refuse, Thomas handed the footman his book open at the drawing of Anna._

 

_It actually seemed like the older man was interested in his drawing of Anna, »Mm, you have taste in your sweethearts.«_

_»Anna isn’t my sweetheart. She is my friend«, Thomas instantly defended himself._

_But the footman laughed, »Well, friendship is always a good start for a relationship.«_

_This conversation went into a direction Thomas religiously tried to avoid, »I’m too young, Sir.«_

_Granted it wasn’t the best explanation and the footman winked at him, »Too young to dream about having someone you love in your life or too young to pursue her? In the first case I call foul. In the second case you are absolutely right, of course.«_

 

_When Thomas struggled to come up with an answer, Gideon laughed, before he fondly looked at the drawing once more, »Nevertheless, you’re talented. You should never feel ashamed for being able to catch a person on paper. It’s almost like you’re preserving them for eternity. Your book is like a little time machine. Would you draw me?«_

 

_Thomas starred at the footman with wonder. He had always thought drawing to be a shameful habit that needed to be done in secret._

_Meekly Thomas offered, »If you want me to, Sir.«_

_Showing one of his bright smiles, Gideon said, »I insist.«_

…

 

His memories seemed to belong to another person so alien were the feelings of this young naïve boy, who had trusted and was betrayed.

So many years he had blamed them all for not seeing what happened right under their nose and yet… he had done the same with Anna.

Maybe that young boy from his memories would have seen it, Thomas could not help but wonder.

 

 

 

Seriously? How long could one day be? Aeons, apparently…

 

Of course, Goodfellow helped where he could. Of course, Goodfellow made everyone laugh. Of course, no one, not one fucking person recognized the wolf in their midst.

 

Thomas had spent his day creeping around Goodfellow like a damn madman. It meant that he could be certain the bastard didn’t harm anyone, but it likewise meant for Thomas to witness the ignorance of the other servants and the winks and nods from Goodfellow. Thomas had been close to strangle the man and was only saved by the diner.

 

Finally, he could relax to an extent as everyone was present including Goodfellow, who naturally entertained all the sheep with funny tales. Long after the plates were cleaned Goodfellow continued to put a spell on the staff deluding them. At some point Thomas had allowed himself to sit by the fire and read to calm is mind. He sorely needed some relief for his heavy thoughts.

 

Sadly, he wasn’t granted even a short break from the walking nightmare behind him, because said nightmare had to address him, »I see you still love reading. Do you still draw too?«

»You can draw, Mr Barrow?«, Daisy interjected doubtfully.

Thomas merely mumbled, »I can’t and I don’t.«

»Why are you hiding your light under the shuffle? You should be proud of your talent«, Goodfellow seemingly encouraging him, which left Thomas’ blood boiling.

»That sounds like your good, Mr Barrow«, Andy peeked up.

»Oh, he is. We used to share a room. It took me ages to convince him to show me his book. You know, he only ever drew when he was alone«, Goodfellow offered instantly and Thomas gripped the book so tight that his scarred hand started to hurt.

Over his shoulder Thomas stressed, »I do enjoy the privacy of a single room nowadays, thank you. If you could change the topic please?«

Of course, Goodfellow was quick to apologize, »I’m sorry, Thomas. I didn’t mean to pry. I only wanted to get you out of your depressing thoughts, to cheer you up, old friend.«

 

Oh, the audacity…

Thomas had enough, after all, the hallboys had been send to bed about half an hour ago, so it should be alright to leave the valet to his own devices.

Standing up Thomas couldn’t help but leave with some chosen words, »Strange, I didn’t know we were friends. If you please excuse me. I’m sure you can continue to talk about me without me being present.«

»Mr Barrow!« Mrs Hughes exclaimed bewildered, but Thomas ignored her heading to the backyard for a long overdue smoke.

Sure enough Goodfellow jumped to his defense the good Samaritan, »Oh please, Mrs Hughes, he is still trying to cope with that unfortunate incident.«

 

 

How could they be so damn blind, Thomas wondered and looked at the black sky and the few bright stars.

The night was cold and yet he could hear footsteps behind him.

He didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. There was just one person, who would care enough to look for him.

»Any advice for the troublemaker? Or do you plan on chastising me?« Thomas grumbled, while rolling a cigarette. For a long time, she stayed silent, just standing there beside him and waiting for him to calm down.

Thomas guessed he should count his luck for small mercies, but he just wasn’t in the mood and his luck run out faster as he liked, when Miss Baxter finally asked, »Why do you push everyone away? I recall a boy, who wanted nothing more than to belong. You were so very smart even as a child. After all, what more could one long for?«

 

»Control«, said Thomas at once.

The day had been too long for him to play games.

Looking at the dark, he wished for more light. A clear and friendly light that wouldn’t illuminate every piece of you for others to judge, but a warm shine that would gently keep the night away.

Thomas glanced at his old childhood acquaintance, who was still waiting for him to explain his behavior further. What a rare thing it was, someone willing to give him his space, time to sort out his thoughts and to catch up with the world, which always seemed to spin one turn ahead of Thomas.

Feeling thankful for her consideration, he decided to be honest and admitted, »Apart from love and a family I long most for control, but just as I will never find love or know how it feels to hold one’s own child in your arms I never seemed to have managed to gain the control I so desperately need.« »No one can control everything. Control is just an illusion«, she tried to console him. If she only knew how shallow her words were. Taking a long inhale, he corrected, »Control can be very real.« Thoughtfully Miss Baxter looked up at the stars, »I suppose so. But wanting to control everyone won’t work and you know that. You have been trying all these years and yet you do not act as though you actually are in control.« True that, but Thomas couldn’t see another way at this point, »What would you suggest? Except for you no one wants anything to do with me.«

 

Before she could contradict him and tell him something as ignorant as, “No, they would like you, if you only let them” or “how can you say that, they are all very nice people”, he said goodnight and went inside.

 

No one would deny that they are kind people but even they had limits and Thomas had always been different. Being different is no illusion, if everyone sees you as different. Being controlled by fear is no illusion, if you cannot escape. But Thomas was honest enough to admit, at least to himself, that him being in control was an illusion and it scared the fuck out of him…

 

Exhausted to the bones Thomas went to his room and locked the door. A courtesy for butlers and underbutlers, one small form of security Thomas was thankful for.

 

The happenings of today came crushing down on him and instinctively his eyes wandered to the book hidden under a lose floor board under his bed. Many times, he had starred at the floor board, but never opened it. Way too many memories were ingrained in those pages. For a moment Thomas considered risking a glance at the concealed item.

Maybe he would remember that innocent boy hidden in those the lines…

 

 

…

_»You know better than to care what they say«, Anna tried to console him._

 

_Ever since Henry and Christoph had saw him draw in their room, they had teased him horrendously, but now they had gone too far._

_Trying not to cry in front of Anna he countered, »But they called me a lavender that isn’t funny, Anna. It’s dangerous! If someone believes their childish rants…«_

_»No one believes two stupid teenagers, who just want to pull your leg«, Anna replied, but let Thomas go outside to calm down._

_That was one thing he liked about her. She knew when to give him some space._

 

_It was supposed to be different here, Thomas thought sinking between in the backyard out of sight._

_Yet, it was different, Thomas reminded himself._

_Yes, those idiotic children teased him, but they were just that stupid children. Everyone else was friendly and tolerated him without asking too many questions about his past. They seem to have guessed that his past wasn’t a nostalgic memory and accepted that he didn’t want to talk about it. In time the other hallboys would get tired of this game and leave him be. Nonetheless, it was hard to be judged as something foul, as something different yet again._

_Why couldn’t he just fit in?_

 

_A noise made him look up to find the first footman standing over him._

_Without saying a word, the footman set beside him on the ground and asked whether he could see the book and Thomas was too confused to reject. Thus, he waited for the judgement to come, but it never came. Silently, Gideon looked at each drawing until he came to the latest, a portrait of the footman._

_Something like sadness spread across his face, asking with hurt in his voice, »You are uncertain of me?«_

_»I… no! I mean I haven’t spend that much time with you, Sir. I couldn’t really remember your eyes«, Thomas apologized._

_However Gideon just chuckled, »Well, since I want to be preserved correctly in your time machine, I suggest we spend some more time together. Maybe you could teach me how to draw?«_

_»I’d like that, Sir«, Thomas hurried to say not believing what the footman just offered._

_»I heard what they called you«_

_The footman seemed to look right into Thomas soul, when he continued, »I don’t mind a bit and Anna was right, no one will believe them.«_

 

_Could it really be, Thomas doubted it, »Why do you care?«_

 

_A rueful smile played at Gideon's lips, »Because I recognize a lot of how I used to be in your age. I used to be paranoid if someone even whispered anything about homosexuals… I was always scared… I didn’t trust anyone… I was alone.«_

 

_Nudging Thomas' shoulder, he whispered softly, »You are not alone Thomas.«_

 

_In that moment everything seemed clear. Why the footman was so interested in him and so very kind. It was like someone had lifted a great burden from him, lifted by someone, who was like him. He wasn’t alone anymore. Right in front of him there was a person, who understood who cared. All of Thomas fears and hopes burst out into the open. Tears, which had been supressed for years in silence now run free and the wonderful man next to him did not hit him for it or looked disgusted._

_No, he gently put his arms around him and soothed him with a soft voice, »Shh, it’s alright. You’re safe… Nobody will harm you… I will protect you…«_

…

 

Innocence offered no protection.

Thomas had to learn that the hard way. That boy would probably be dead by now, but Thomas had survived and he will survive that bastard again.

 

 

Bates:

 

»Did you know this Goodfellow well?« Bates asked his beautiful wife as she made herself comfortable in his arms.

 

It wasn’t that late but they had decided to go to bed early and spend some time resting in ach others company after this stressing day.

»I assume so, but I was just a young maid back then and didn’t work closely with him. But he was always very nice to me, to everyone really«, Anna replied thoughtfully.

Bates wasn’t surprised and yet something was bugging him about the man. He just couldn’t put his finger on it yet. Brushing a lose stray of hair out of Anna’s charming eyes he pushed her for more information, »Yes, everyone seems to like him with one exception.«

»Does that surprise you? Thomas never likes anyone or seldom anyone and after everything that happened… I can’t begrudge him some distrust.« Anna answered and seemed lost in thought.

Maybe it was a bad idea to talk with her about Thomas, but Anna gently kissed him, »I’m glad you could help him.«

 

In a heartbeat all of Bates’ fury and self-hatred came back and he could hardly get the words out that were hunting him ever since he learned what had happened, »I just wished I could have helped you.«

 

There would never be a day, when he wouldn’t feel hate for Green and remorse for what Anna had been through. But Anna laid a hand on his lips and shushed him, »None of that, please… That man has given us enough grieve, don’t let him influence our lives any further.«

 

Kissing her hand Bates tried to calm himself, »Your right of course, but this whole ordeal must have reminded you of him.«

 

She remained silent for a while before she confessed, »I tried to talk to Thomas today. He thanked me for my consideration but he didn’t want to talk about it.«

»He is very closed off and this experience won’t help with that.« Bates tried to console her, when a thought came to him, »You know, I actually think that Thomas instigated that Andrew became aware, so that he could let someone else know.«

»No one would have believed Thomas. Someone had to see it in order to act for him.« Anna agreed but added, »It isn’t right that he was forced to manipulate Andy for us to help him.«

Bates nodded in agreement but knew all too well that it was the only way they would have believed him, »Yet it is his own fault that no one believes him.«

»I know« Anna admitted but still seemed displeased about it.

 

There was one question Bates had wanted to ask for a long time, »You always seemed to have a soft spot for him. Were you friends at some point?«

Anna shrugged, »Kind of. He was quite different, when he arrived at Downton. We were both just glad to have found a home. He never said anything, but I could see that he had been through a lot.«

»Like you«, Bates surmised and Anna shortly pressed his hand, »Yes… I think even without ever speaking about it, we just knew that the other understood what it was like to not live in fear anymore and that it can be difficult at first to trust others. We used to spend a lot of time together just talking or quietly working while the others played and fooled around.«

 

Bates could just picture a young Anna trying to find her bearings after her difficult childhood. Thomas however was harder to picture as anything but the selfish arrogant thorn in his side. Could he really have been different? It must be true as Anna would never lie and it would explain why she still seems to care for him, which left only one question, »What changed?«

Anna had obviously expected him to ask this question and she tried to remember as correctly as she could, »I’m not sure… he changed for some reason or he… just showed his true self. At least that was what everyone thought and what I heard Mr Carson say.«

»His behaviour just changed?« Bates wondered loudly and Anna nodded, »Pretty much, yes.«

 

No, Bates thought that couldn’t be right. No one just changed over night, »And nothing happened?«

Anna exhaled deeply, »That was years ago. I can’t really remember what happened… except…«

»What?« Bates pressed on. His curiosity was peeked.

»Well, I still remember a severe incident that occurred with Mr Carson«, Anna answered after a while trying to remember. »You know that Mr Carson doesn’t believe in corporal punishments, but one morning I saw Mr Carson dragging Thomas out to the backyard where he hit him with a stick.«

 

That did shock him, »Mr Carson hit him?« His wife shuddered when she remembered the incident, »Yes, but neither of them ever said why. I don’t think even Mrs Hughes knows what had transpired, but Thomas was different after that.«

»How?« Bates asked, but Anna shook her head, »I don’t know. More distant, angrier. He didn’t converse with anyone anymore not even with me. He stayed by himself and became quite mean. He started to speak with Mrs O’Brien shortly after, even though he couldn’t stand her when he arrived.«

 

His head felt overflown with information. The mere thought that Mr Carson would hit a hallboy seemed impossible…

Whatever could have happened for the butler to take such drastic actions?

He could feel Anna shaking her head against his chest. It was clear that something was bothering her, »What is it, my love?«

»It’s probably nothing… It was, I think about three weeks after his punishment that he came to me. He asked me if it would be alright to do a bad thing in order to right an even worse thing«, Anna replied and he could hear her self-doubts. So he gently pressed her to continue, »What did you say?«

It took her a few seconds before she admitted, »I thought about how I attacked my stepfather and how I should have left way before it«.

»It wasn’t your fault«, Bates interjected at once and she squeezed his hand reassuringly, »I know that now, but back then… I told Thomas that it was never right to do a bad thing and that I wouldn’t want anything to do with anything bad. I just finally wanted to have peace, I guess.«

Kissing her head he whispered softly, »You have it now.«

»That I have.« His beautiful wife answered with one of her wonderous smiles and he decided that Thomas’ problems could wait.


	9. a decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with a new chapter - it's a miracle!
> 
> I'm so sorry about the long absence, but I had just too much to do and had a major cold on top of things, which just didn't want to leave.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos and comments. They are brilliant! 
> 
> At some point I will edit the former chapters as to make them easier to read as well.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it :)

Andrew

 

»Do monsters exist, Mr Barrow?«, Master George asked with big eyes.

The underbutler shrugged, sitting in front of the children with an open book, »Well, not with fangs or horns. Most of them hide what they truly are.«

»But how are we supposed to recognize a monster, if they don’t look like it?« Master George wondered and held his knight-toy closer to his chest.

Mr Barrow chuckled, »By being observant. Even if they don’t look like one, in the end they always act like it. Just sometimes, when no one else is looking.«

»But you are looking, are you not?«, shrieked Mrs Marigold scarred, but the underbutler poked her nose gently with the book, whispering, »Always.«

 

It always amazed Andrew how outright adorable Mr Barrow was with children. He seemed so happy, when he was around them. It made Andrew sad that the underbutler would never have a child of his own… or a wife. Such a normal thing and it was out this man’s reach. What a terrible fate.

 

Remembering what he was here for, Andrew coughed making his presence known, »Excuse the interruption, but Mr Carson wishes to see you, Mr Barrow.«

Mr Barrow nodded and as quickly as he could said his goodbyes to the children.

 

»Do you write your own stories«, Andrew wanted to know.

But the underbutler declined, »No, I’m afraid not. I mean, I can conjure something up for the children but nothing else.«

 

Thinking back at the discussion during tea yesterday, Andy wondered about the reluctance of the underbutler to even talk about his drawing abilities. »Why did you stop drawing, Mr Barrow?«

»It’s silly for a boy and certainly for a grown man«, Thomas countered turning tense.

 

Even Andy could read between those lines. Yet, it didn’t seem fair for the underbutler to abstain from something he liked just because of some prejudice assumption. Of course, Mr Barrow wouldn’t want anyone to associate himself with something that is considered to be a lavender occupation for boys, but everyone knows what he is, which made the action senseless. Especially now, when he could use some diversion…

 

It was still hard to get his head around what almost had happened to his former friend. Truth be told Andy was ashamed. Because if he hadn’t witnessed it, he very likely wouldn’t have believed the underbutler either. All because of his own prejudice. But why? Yes, Mr Barrow had been keen on engaging with him, but he never made any advances. Looking at his former friend he could not but feel remorse. As Mr Barrow had said, all he had wanted was a friend.

 

Well, never say never, Andy thought. It was time to help the man, who had helped him, when they met. He could be a friend.

 

Trying for nonchalance Andy countered, »I don’t think so. As a kid I always envied my sister for being able to draw. I couldn’t draw a flower let alone a person, if my live depended on it… It could be fun, you know… The children would probably like it, if you draw with them.«

That at least, made the underbutler pause. Mr Barrow would do anything to make the children smile and so Andy wasn’t at all surprised to hear the underbutler concede, »Maybe…«

 

»Well, at least you have some more time off today«, Andrew tried to console his former friend, who looked stressed.

 

His words however had the opposite effect as it turned out. Almost alarmed Mr Barrow looked at him, »What do you mean?«

»Oh, just that Mr Goodfellow had offered to teach the hallboys table etiquette as Mr Carson is so busy«, explained somewhat lamely.

»When did he offer that?«, Mr Barrow demanded to know. Leaving Andrew to shrug his shoulders, »About an hour ago.«

Mr Barrow went pale, »I asked you to tell me, when he comes back!«

Feeling like a moron to forget that, he said, »Well, I needed to first help Mr Carson… I didn’t thought you meant right away.«

»I meant right away, Andrew… Please excuse me«, Mr Barrow countered and started to run to the stairs.

 

What on earth was wrong with Mr Barrow and this Goodfellow?

 

Andrew quickly run after him. The man was really fast for someone his age, the footman thought, when they reached the booth room.

At once Mr Barrow opened the door to reveal Mr Goodfellow surrounded by smiling hallboys cleaning shoes.

 

Looking up from his work, the valet addressed the underbutler with a great smile, »Ah, Mr Barrow. I thought I could lend you and Mr Carson a hand in the training of these young men.«

 

Mr Barrow’s face was blank, only his eyes wandered quickly from one boy to the other, before he replied, »They are hardly men and Mr Carson had asked me to train them.«

 

»Oh, I don’t mind the work. It is the least I could do. Just consider it a thank you for his Lordship’s generosity«, the valet waved off.

 

»I guess your interrogation went well?«, Mr Barrow inquired with a cold voice.

 

The valet nodded, »Yes, it did. You see, Mr Shepard had done his work in a little practice, all his files and therapy sessions took place there. The detective understood that I never set foot into that building. Why should Mr Shepard ever be in need of a valet there? The detective actually seemed pretty adamant to close the case as quickly as possible. I think Mr Hardwood thought it best for his cause that Mr Shepard’s name is soon forgotten.«

 

Andrew didn’t understand what was happening. Wasn’t it a good thing that Mr Goodfellow was cleared? Andrew thought that the underbutler was simply cautious because of the valet’s former employer.

Yet, Mr Barrow’s hands which were folded behind his back were slightly shaking, when he insisted, »I will continue with their training. Thank you for your time, Mr Goodfellow.«

 

Before anyone could react, Mr Carson walked into the scene, »Mr Barrow?! What are you doing here? Hasn’t Andrew told you that I wanted to see you?«

 

»I just found him, Mr Carson. I’m sorry«, Andrew ventured at once.

There was no need for the underbutler to get into trouble with Mr Carson right now.

 

Mr Carson bristled, »Well, as you now know that I want to speak with you, it would be most helpful for you to follow me, Mr Barrow.«

»Of course, Mr Carson. But pardon my question, why is Mr Goodfellow training the hallboys? I thought that was my jurisdiction?«, Mr Barrow inquired without letting Mr Goodfellow out of his eyes.

This was getting weird.

 

Mr Carson on the other hand wasn’t happy to repeat himself, »That is one reason I want to speak to you. If you would do me the honour of coming into my office?«

 

As strange as it was, Mr Barrow did hesitate for a second. Something that was agitating Mr Carson and left Andrew concerned.

 

Finally, Mr Barrow nodded his consent and followed the butler leaving Andrew to wonder if the underbutler was ok. Maybe he was hurt? It would fit the underbutler to hide an illness, if Mr Shepard had done more than just threatening him, before Andrew became aware of the situation. Simply asking him wouldn’t achieve anything. He would just deny it…

 

Then, an idea came to Andrew. Something that would benefit both of them. He was certain. After all, if it worked, it would change so much for him and he would get an opportunity to observe Mr Barrow more closely. Maybe the underbutler would tell him then, what troubled him.

Yes, he’d decided. He would ask Mr Barrow to teach him how to read.

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

That was stupid, Thomas chastised himself.

As if the bastard would do something with so many people… Just stupid!

 

How could he lose his nerves like that? What a stupid mistake!

 

He continued to berate himself, while he followed the butler into his office.

 

As soon as the door closed Thomas addressed the older man, »Pardon me, Mr Carson, but I thought the hallboys were under my supervision.«

 

»A duty you never seemed keen on«, countered the butler and stood in front of him. »Seriously, Mr Barrow. I thought you would at least be above your ludicrous despise of Mr Goodfellow by now, but as usually I expected too much of you. Will you never learn?«

 

»He worked for that man!«, Thomas bristled, his blood starting to boil. Why wouldn’t anyone even question the damn bastard?!

 

Carson of course only saw what he wanted to see, which was that Thomas was the troublemaker, »The inspector cleared his name!«

 

»As if he didn’t knew!«, Thomas threw at the butler not caring that he was beginning to scream.

 

Carson on the other hand started to get red in the face and visibly tried not to raise his voice, »I realize that you are still troubled over the whole affair, but at some point you need to let go of your grudges.«

 

Grudges?! That was so typical for the butler. After all, Carson – the great and just Mr Carson – never made mistakes.

Well, Thomas knew better and he had enough.

He slowly closed the short distance between them, his voice cold as ice, »Or what? Will you hit me again?«

 

Clearly, the butler had reached his limit as well. Redheaded he forced the words out, »Don’t tempt me. Now you will take notice that Mr Goodfellow will train the hallboys while he is staying here for the next couple of days. You on the other hand seem in need of some muscle work, so you will clean and make an inventor of the attic. Did I make myself clear?«

 

»Yes, Sir«, Thomas replied without backing down.

A circumstance Carson didn’t seem to miss, as he had to swallow hard before he could order, »Good, then get to work.«

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

Bates lay witness to the strange scene and he wasn’t alone as Mrs Hughes had observed everything as well. Something was off and Bates saw his suspicion confirmed by the housekeeper’s worried glance.

»Mrs Hughes, do you have a minute?«, he ventured, to which she quickly replied, »Yes, of course. Please follow me Mr Bates.«

 

They went into her small office, sitting at her little table sharing a worried glance.

»What do you make of it?«, Mrs Hughes finally asked.

Bates shrugged, »I’m not sure yet, but it’s clear that Thomas isn’t keen on Mr Goodfellow.« »Aye«

»I know it’s not my place to ask, but…«, bates halted, but the housekeeper ushered him to continue, »Ask, Mr Bates. Maybe two pair of eyes see more than one.«

 

He thought for a second how best to approach the subject until he decided to the aspect of Anna’s story that confused him the most. Thomas used to be different and then suddenly changed over night. »How was Thomas, when he arrived here?«

 

Taken aback at this line of thought, Mrs Hughes took a minute to consider the question, »Lonely, I guess not much has changed in that regard… But he was kind, had good manners and never spoke a mean word.«

 

»However?«, Bates poked.

Mrs Hughes paused for a while deeply in thought, before she slowly replied, »He seemed scared and didn’t associate with any one. Well, no… that isn’t quite right. He used to get along with Anna. She had arrived shortly before him. Can you imagine those two to get along?«

 

He smiled, »She mentioned something like that. Yet, you seem hesitant to talk about how he used to be.«

»Well, it was a long time ago. My memory is a bit faulty, I guess«, Mrs Hughes answered with a rueful smile, but as quickly as the smile appeared, it disappeared again, leaving an aura of uncertainty on her face, »It never seemed to make much sense to me coming to think of it. I really believed Thomas to be a good boy. It was obvious that he hadn’t come from a good home just as Anna hadn’t that luck. Yet, he was full of life, hope and dreams… Thomas had high aspirations even then. He was always trying to impress Mr Carson and was doing every work with great vigor… At first, I thought that he just wasn’t used to connect with others, especially the other hallboys. They didn’t get along, I remember that very clearly.«

 

Bates wasn’t surprised by that revelation, being different couldn’t be easy to hide among teenagers whose room you shared.

 

»I tried to get him out of his shell and so did Anna… Mr Goodfellow tried to connect with him and they spent a lot of time together….« She halted in her words as if to remember something important but being unable to grasp it. »At some point. I can’t pinpoint the exact time… Thomas began to talk about the other hallboys behind their backs. They were all interested in Kevin’s position as I recall. Kevin was the Junior footman at the time and was soon to leave for another position.«

 

It matched Thomas behavior pattern, but it didn’t seem to suit the image of a friendly although quiet boy. »What did he say?«

 

Mrs Hughes shook her head apparently angry with herself for her lack of knowledge. »I can’t seem to remember, but I do remember that Mr Carson and Mr Goodfellow kept a close eye on him after a while. They were concerned about Thomas’ motives. I was glad that Goodfellow was looking out for him, but it just seemed to get worse.«

 

»That hasn’t changed«, Bates offered.

»No, apparently not«, Mrs Hughes agreed sadly. The housekeeper looked troubled. Leaning forward he inquired softly, »What is on your mind, Mrs Hughes?«

 

She looked down on her hands, »I’m not even sure myself, but this whole incident with Mr Barrow had reminded me of something, something that occurred between Mr Carson and Mr Barrow.«

»You mean the corporal punishment?«, Bates pressed for details and the housekeeper had a knowing look, »Anna told you?«

Bates nodded, »She just said that Thomas was different since then, but how does that relate to Mr Goodfellow?«

»Mr Carson decided that Thomas needed intensive supervision and a good example. He put Mr Goodfellow in charge of Thomas and even put them into the same room together«, she replied.

 

Bates’ eyebrow went up in surprise, »Do you know the reason for such a drastic action?«

 

»No, Mr Carson never told me«, Mrs Hughes answered her dislike and frustration of the situation apparent.

 

Something truly dreadful must have occurred for Thomas to be punished like this. He could hardly imagine them sharing a room. Maybe it was the strict surveillance by Goodfellow Thomas disliked and that the man had worked for Shepard couldn’t have helped that.

 

Nonetheless…

Something was amiss here and Bates decided to investigate further into this.

 

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

»Mr Barrow?« A voice woke him from his daydreams and he turned around to find Alexander standing behind him.

 

Surprised he laid a hand over his heart, »Alexander! You nearly gave me a heart attack there.«

 

The boy was looking at the ground clearly ashamed, »I wanted to apologize, Mr Barrow. I promised to look out for the other hallboys but then Mr Carson said that we should listen to…«

 

»It’s alright, Alexander. It wasn’t fair from me to expect you to keep them and yourself safe. That is not your duty it’s mine«, Thomas interjected before he could go on. There was no need for two people to worry about that prick.

 

»He seemed really nice«, Alexander ventured with caution.

 

Trying for calm Thomas imply replied, »Everyone will agree with you.«

 

»Why don’t you?« Alexander seemed wary and Thomas just shrugged, »That is a long story.«

 

After some time Alexander whispered a question that had apparently lingered on his mind, »Did he hurt you?«

 

Was it right to even insinuate the truth to this teenager? Who knew? All Thomas knew for certain was that he was tired.

Sighing heavily, he optioned for a vague answer, »Yes, he did in more than one way.«

 

Thomas waited for a disbelieved claim or something of the sort, but instead Alexander surprised him.

»My brother always appeared to be nice, but he blamed me for his mistakes and our parents always believed him«, the hallboy explained and stressed, »I will believe you, if you tell me something about Mr Goodfellow that the others would consider false.«

 

He stared unbelieving at this naïve boy, who just decided to trust despite everything he had probably heard about Thomas. But Thomas couldn’t encourage this trust, »You would only isolate yourself further… but, I would like to hear more about your great love.«

 

It was overwhelmingly soothing listening to the boy’s naïve hopes and dreams. Soon he began talking about his family and school. What he liked to do in his free time. Alexander seemed to relax more by the minute and a bright smile adorned his tales. He was happy, Thomas thought and he hoped that the boy would continue to smile so carefree for a long while.

 

Thomas had lost track of time, while Alexander kept talking and Thomas continued with his task to clean and sort the attic.

Only when Alexander stopped talking Thomas looked up from his work to see Alexander staring at Mr Goodfellow, who just smiled, »Well isn’t this a nice gathering. Is there room for one more?« »I’m sorry, Mr Goodfellow, but I need to be going«, Alexander said after a quick glance from Thomas and run out of the room.

 

The bastard didn’t spare another glance for Alexander and sat down on an old sofa Thomas had cleaned. Hands folded over his knees his eyes didn’t waver from Thomas, when he asked, »Are you his mentor? Are you his special friend?«

»You’re confusing me with yourself«, Thomas replied and turned to start working again.

Maybe if he’d get bored, he would leave.

 

Gideon laughed, »Oh, please. You like men.«

»Men not children«, Thomas pressed through his teeth.

»As I heard, you like the children«, the pervert countered and Thomas saw red.

 

Furious he turned around and griped the bastard by his collar. »Now, you listen to me, you creep! You will never interact with the children! Do you understand that?«

»Or what?« The valet didn’t sound scared at all rathe he seemed awed.

 

Trying to get the upper hand Thomas couldn’t think of anything else but to underline his threat, »Or I break your goddam arm!«

 

The man just smiled like he made him a gift, »You became strong, my little darling.«

 

His voice was sweet and full of self-assurance. A voice Thomas hadn’t heard in many years and et he had heard it in so many nightmares.

To hear it now once more was like he was back in their room and Thomas froze.

 

»Did you really believe I would care for those younglings? Just because I have a taste for grapes doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good wine…« Gideon laughed silently and started to play with his livery.

 

Thomas couldn’t move, couldn’t think, when Gideon started to caress his lips with his fingers, »…and you became a very fine wine«, Gideon whispered and went in for a kiss.

 

Finally, that move shook Thomas out of his shock and he pushed the valet away. With a loud sound the man landed on the sofa, leaving Thomas to tower over him. »You’re disgusting…«

 

»Is everything alright here?«, a voice startled them both.

 

Neither of them had heard Andrew coming up, who was now looking disturbed by the scene in front of him.

 

Thomas could just picture how it must look to someone, who just wandered into the room.

 

Great, Thomas thought. Another victory for the pervert.

 

Said pervert made a scene by standing up and correcting his clothes. Sounding like the most understanding and innocent man in the world, »Oh, nothing, Andrew. I just slipped and fell on the sofa such things do happen, you know.«

Passing a quick worried glance to Thomas to ingrain him as the bad instigator of a fight, the valet left the attic.

 

»Don’t ask, Andrew«, Thomas grunted.

Andrew’s reaction wasn’t what he had anticipated, »But you seem on edge.«

 

»I’m foul, haven’t you heard?«, Thomas countered sadly.

He needed a break. A long undisturbed break.

 

An arm on his shoulder left Thomas to stare at the footman, who said with something akin to conviction, »Your’ not foul.«

 

Looking at his former friend, Thomas sighed, »Your’ right.« And more silently he added, »Thank you.«

 

When Andrew didn’t say anything and just continued to look worriedly at the underbutler, Thomas pressed, »Was there something you wanted?«

 

Remembering what he came here for, Andrew seemed lost for words, »Yes, I wanted to ask you… Well, it’s kind of delicate…«

Luckily for him, Thomas had heard enough and offered, »I will gladly teach you how to read.«

Surprised Andrew asked, »You mean that?«

 

»Yes«, Thomas replied and smiled at the apparent delight of the footman, who exclaimed a relieved,  »Thank you!«

 

 

 

 

 

Mr Carson

 

 

A soft knock at his door let Carson look up from his work. »Mr Goodfellow«

The valet seemed hesitant when he addressed his former boss, »I’m terribly sorry to disturb you… It’s just…«

»Is there a problem?«, he ushered.

»No!... I mean, I just noticed.« The valet called out and went silent for a few seconds. At last the man shacked his head and apologized, »No, this was silly, I’m sorry for having interrupted you in your work.«

 

»Halt!«  Carson said and demanded, »What is troubling you?«

 

»It’s probably nothing, Mr Carson«, Mr Goodfellow replied while nervously rubbing his hands.

 

The butler saw that it was clearly more than nothing and encouraged him to be honest with him, »You never came to me if there wasn’t something dire.«

He trusted the man completely. He was one of the best and modest workers he ever had.

 

»I don’t think it’s dire. I just noticed that Alexander and Andrew spending a lot of time with Mr Barrow alone«, the valet started slowly. »I’m not someone looking into other people’s business, but after learning what I missed with Mr Shepard…«

 

Mr Carson nodded understanding the troubled man, »You couldn’t have known… So, you are concerned about their time together?«

 

»Well, they are both quite naïve and Mr Barrow doesn’t seem to have changed much«, Mr Goodfellow said and Carson rolled his eyes, »He hasn’t changed at all sadly. Well,… I will keep an eye on them. Thank you for your bringing with to my attention.«

 

After all, he couldn’t let Thomas influence these young men.

 

Looking at his former footman he sighed melancholy for the old days, »I will say, that I missed your calm presence in the servant hall.«

 

Mr Goodfellow smiled, »And I have missed Downton Abbey, Sir.«


	10. a dreaded horror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! A new chapter ;)
> 
> I had some time off and decided to give you a treat after the holidays.
> 
> Please mind the warnings for this story. If you are easily triggered, please read the notes at the end first.
> 
> As always thank you for all the comments and kudos!

Thomas

 

 

»They’re way more than that«, Thomas admonished a disgruntled Andrew after their first lesson. »Books can be friends. They are constant, never changing and yet never the same. Whenever I read a story, I think I know by heart, I’ll find meanings and treasures I hadn’t known were there. It’s like a never-ending journey someone led you on. Someone you never met created a world for a stranger without ever knowing what the story meant for the traveler. It’s a gift.«

 

Andrew stared at him incredulous and Thomas became aware how much he had revealed about himself, »Forgive me… I got carried away, I did not mean to…«

 

»That sounds marvelous«, Andrew interjected with a wondrous expression.

 

They sat in silence for a while until Andrew caught Thomas eyes, »I am sorry that I was so distant. I should have judged you for how you behaved towards me.«

 

Thomas shrugged, »That isn’t an easy thing to do.«

 

»Nonetheless, I was wrong and I am sorry«, Andrew stressed and Thomas was touched to find his former friend apologizing to him. What a rare thing.

 

Giving the footman a reassuring smile Thomas replied, »I’ve known worse.«

 

 

 

He had known worse, Thomas thought in his bed, after Andrew had left.

 

The problem was that the worse had come back to hunt him, leaving him restless while being immensely tired.

 

How could that bastard dare to kiss him?

 

How could he even dare to look him in the eyes after what he had done?

 

His hand cramped over his scar and Thomas had to fight tears that were threatening to overwhelm him. He was alone. Once again, he was alone with his fears and his pain. Alone in this very room, where he had been caged in with his tormentor. All to make Thomas a better, a normal person…

 

He hadn’t always been alone though, Thomas admitted. There were these wonderful weeks, where had believed that he had found his true love.

 

_Yesterday, Anna had asked why he was so mean to the other hallboys, but Thomas hadn’t understood what she was talking about. Anna had seemed sad and had stressed that he could talk to her, when he had troubles and that it wouldn’t solve anything, if he were mean to others because they were mean to him._

_Thomas knew that and reassured her that he would come to her, if he had a problem. Yet, she had left unsatisfied. Although her behaviour confused him, his thoughts quickly returned to Timothy and the one problem Anna couldn’t solve._

_Oh, Timothy, Thomas thought agitated. Why ever did you have to ask for it?_

_The one time in an ally, when Thomas had lived on the streets, it had hurt so much. The mere idea of doing that again, of sullying his relationship with Timothy in such a way was horrifying. Yet, Timothy had looked heartbroken, when Thomas had refused and even asked, whether Thomas truly loved him…_

_Thomas assumed that it was something to be expected, when you were in love. Maybe Timothy would be the one… Not that Thomas found the idea of hurting his love any less dreadful. At this point Thomas didn’t understand how everyone could be this obsessed with sex._

_Maybe they didn’t like it either and were just pretending so that they wouldn’t lose face among the other men, Thomas wondered, but he discarded the idea._

_That seemed silly._

_Probably it had just hurt, because the man from the ally hadn’t loved him and hurt him intentionally. After all, he didn’t seem to care for Thomas at all. He’d just left, when he was done._

_Timothy on the other hand loved him, Thomas was certain of it. He cared for what Thomas had to say and was always so gentle with him, when they kissed._

_Oh, his sweet Timothy, Thomas thought biting his lip. He really liked kissing. Thomas liked Timothy’s broad shoulders and strong chest. As a teenager he was already built very well, Thomas guessed that it had to do with his work. Carrying and delivering heavy boxes had to give you such a lovely muscled chest._

_A good chest and strong arms to hold you are something wonderful, Gideon used to say and Thomas had to agree. What a wondrous thing a beautiful chest and loving arms were…_

_Struck by a thought Thomas halted in his steps._

_The idea was so daring that Thomas even looked over his shoulder to check whether someone had heard his thoughts. Of course, no one was there, not even Mr Carson who Thomas suspected to be able to read thoughts._

_Thomas chastised himself, what a stupid fool he was. No one here meant him any ill and Gideon was his friend. He wouldn’t be disgusted or would laugh at Thomas’ question. Thomas was certain he would help._

_As it stood, he had to help Gideon with the packing, before they would travel to the London House to make it ready for the family. Gideon had persuaded Mr Carson to let him accompany Gideon for learning experience._

_First, however, he had to find Gideon._

_Sadly, only Mrs O’Brien was there to ask, where he was._

_»I would be cautious with our beloved first footman, if I were you. People talk about you, by the way. Nothing nice«, the strange woman said._

_He didn’t like her and Gideon had warned him about her schemes, »I don’t know what anybody could talk ill about me, Miss O’Brien. I have to go now, thank you.«_

 

God, he had been just as naive as Alexander. Probably even more so. He hadn’t seen it coming. He had trusted the pervert that was now sleeping two doors away. He was just sleeping, resting peacefully, because no one considered him to be foul. Thomas was the foul one. Not the man who had hurt him and likely many more.

 

How could this be, Thomas questioned while his tears were now running freely down his face.

 

How was that fair?

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew

 

 

Andrew enjoyed a good cup of tea with the other servants, when Alexander asked after Mr Barrow’s whereabouts.

 

»I don’t know where Mr Barrow is, Alexander. Why are looking for him?«, Mrs Hughes replied.

 

»Oh, nothing important. I just had a question«, Alexander answered nervously growing pale.

 

Mrs Hughes seemed confused and pressed, »Shouldn’t you ask Mr Goodfellow as he is currently training you?«

 

The boy blushed terribly uttering, »Yes, I should, but it’s not… I have to go…« And within seconds the shy boy had run upstairs.

 

Mrs Patmore shook her head, »That boy is going to get himself in trouble.«

 

»Why? Isn’t it nice for him and Mr Barrow to get along?«, Andrew asked somewhat confused by the assessment.

 

»I’d say it’s far from ideal for the boy«, Mrs Patmore advised sipping her tea and nodding Mr Moseley agreed, »Mr Barrow is up to no good.«

 

»Mr Mosely!«, Mrs Baxter said shocked and looked at her friend.

 

Mr Mosely shrugged with his shoulders, »I’m sorry. I know that you are fond of him, but Mr Barrow is a troublemaker and the boy should stay away from him. The boy is already isolating himself from the others.«

 

»He had done that before he befriended Thomas«, Mrs Hughes reminded the footman and Andrew was glad someone was defending the underbutler.

 

Daisy peeked up from her books, »Well, I heard that Thomas actually gives him a special treatment while he is mean to the other hallboys.«

 

Mrs Hughes raised her eyebrow at that, »Where did you hear that?«

 

»Well, from Alan and Gerald, of course«, Daisy replied nonchalant.

 

»Those two aren’t really reliable sources, Daisy«, Mrs Hughes chastised Daisy, who promptly pressed, »Because their hallboys?«

 

»No, because they have been mean to Mr Barrow since they got here«, the housekeeper countered.

 

»Mr Barrow hasn’t been nice to them either«, Daisy said with conviction and Andrew tried to remember an instance when Thomas had indeed been needlessly mean to them, but with no success.

Yet Mrs Patmore agreed, »True enough.«

 

»It’s still isn’t an excuse«, Mrs Hughes stressed.

 

Mr Moseley on the other hand sighed, »I’d say what goes around comes around. Mr Barrow has himself to blame if nobody likes him.«

 

»I like him«, Andrew replied without thinking and chastising himself for his carelessly as soon as he realised what he just said.

 

»Who do you like, Andrew?«, Mr Carson asked stepping into the servant’s hall.

 

»No one, Mr Carson«, Andrew replied sheepishly.

 

»That would be a terrible life, if it were true«, Mr Carson countered. Giving him the raised eyebrow, the butler asked suspiciously, »I thought you didn’t like Mr Barrow?«

 

Suddenly finding himself in the spotlight of possible judgement Andrew found his resolution to be a better friend to Mr Barrow crumbling, »Well, I… just think that he has been nice to me. So, I can’t rightfully say that he is a bad person.«

 

Mr Carson shook his head looking sad, »I’m afraid that is an easy error to make. I’d be cautious, Andrew.«

 

»Mr Carson!«, Mrs Hughes exclaimed bewildered.

 

Bristling over her reaction the butler conceded, »I’m just saying that Andrew should be aware that Thomas can be a bad influence.«

 

»Don’t we all know it«, Mr Moseley added in a hushed tone and Mrs Hughes sighed resentfully.

 

Carson on the other hand praised the footman, »Thank you, Mr Mosely. If you are looking for a good example, Andrew, I’d suggest Mr Mosely or Mr Goodfellow.«

 

Mr Mosely sat up straighter hearing the compliment, while Andrew wanted to be swallowed by the ground.

 

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

He was tired.

 

Really tired.

 

Tired enough to peep at the chaiselongue every few minutes.

 

The work in the attic was hard and the late lessons with Andrew in combination with stress and sleep-deprivation were taking their toll on Thomas.

 

He needed sleep and soon.

 

At least here no one was getting at his nerves by talking to him or giving a reproachful look because he wasn’t playing nice with a fucking pervert.

 

Thomas consoled him with the knowledge that Goodfellow couldn’t do anything to the hallboys while they were in a group. Luckily their latest lesson was in the yard, where he explained how to care for old chairs. There they would be on display for everyone to ingrain the impression of Goodfellow as saint. Small mercies he supposed.

 

Heaving a monstrous table to the side, Thomas looked longingly at the chaiselongue.

 

Maybe just a few minutes, Thomas decided and laid down. No one would see him, he rationalized and closed his eyes.

 

Exhausted, Thomas dreamed of a better world. A world free of Shepards and Goodfellows. Maybe a world full of books and comfortable beds, Thomas sighed wistfully and fell into a deep slumber.

 

_The dreams were good, he decided in this state of half dreaming without being fully conscious._

_Gentle hands caressed his sides and a pleasant warmth engulfed him as his dream lover laid beside him._

_Clever lips kissed their way up his neck and bit his ear playfully, leaving Thomas to moan contently. It had been too long, way too long._

_He didn’t open his eyes, certain that his subconscious had conjured up a fine male specimen. Not that looks mattered, when loving arms held him tightly, turning Thomas gently on his back._

_Lips finally found Thomas’ waiting lips and Thomas enjoyed slow languished kisses and wandering hands on his body._

_He hadn’t had such a beautiful dream for so long, Thomas thought, finding blindly his lover’s hair still refusing to open his eyes. Dream or not, Thomas wanted to just feel and he feared that opening his eyes in his dream would cause him to think too much and ultimately wake him up._

_A hand moved from his back to his ass, gripping it deliciously tight, bringing their hard members together and Thomas moaned unashamed leaning fully into the other. Rubbing slowly against each other._

_Another hand took their joined members and started rubbing them together._

_A gasp escaped Thomas which was quickly swallowed by his lover’s lips._

_The pressure in his gut increased and their lips grew more demanding until Thomas spent with a content, »Yes!«_ Finally waking up.

 

Thomas noted two things right away.

 

First someone was indeed laying on top of him.

 

Secondly, a hand was still holding their members together.

 

Shocked, Thomas opened his eyes to find a snickering Gideon looking down on him.

 

No, Thomas thought panicked. That couldn’t be!

 

»Oh, if you could see the look on your face, my dear. So delicious…«, Goodfellow whispered and leaned down to kiss him again.

 

Thomas reacted on instinct by smashing his fist into that smug face.

 

Goodfellow cried out and Thomas pushed him away quickly standing up.

 

»You fucking pervert!«, Thomas exclaimed while the bastard started to laugh holding his eye.

 

How could he laugh in this moment?!

 

»Oh, Thomas! Do you really want to tell me that you didn’t enjoy it? The proof is all over your trouser and the chaiselongue«, the creep said standing up as if nothing had happened.

 

Panicking Thomas stormed out of the attic.

 

He had to get to his room and change his trouser, before anyone would see him.

 

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

After hearing about the latest topic of discussion in the servant’s hall from Mrs Hughes, Bates believed it was time for some extra digging asking Mrs Patmore whether she had a minute.

 

»A minute? Do you know what time span a minute is for a cook?«, she exclaimed surprised but curious all the same.

Counting on the later, Bats replied simply, »Yes, I do know, Mrs Patmore.«

He could see her inner fight but in the end her curiosity won, »Well, a minute it is. Daisy don’t leave that chicken alone!«

 

They sat down in the yard undisturbed from any prying eyes or ears.

 

»This question may seem odd to you Mrs Patmore, but how was Thomas, when he first got here?«, Mr Bates started right to the point.

 

»Thomas?«, she asked incredulous. »He was always a loner and was too smart for his own good. A curious boy, but…«, she halted, seemingly confused by her memories. After a few moments she continued uncertain, »He was actually quite nice, when he first arrived. Of course, I could tell he was different even then.«

 

»How?«, Mr Bates inquired.

 

The cook shrugged, »There was this boy – I can’t remember his name, so don’t ask – who brought us food every morning. Thomas always volunteered in standing up earlier and accepting the food.«

 

Mr Bates nodded, »You think they… were involved?«

 

»Involved? They weren’t as subtle as they ought to be, I tell you that. Saw them snuggling into each other one morning behind the trash bins. Not that I said anything. Those things are left well alone, if you ask me«, the cook snorted.

 

»Did something change?«, Bates wanted to know.

 

That question gave the cook a sudden pause. »No. No, I mean… No, I don’t think so. Everyone recognized Thomas for the troublemaker he is pretty early on. Not that I think his behavior justified what that Shepard fellow did to him.« She added hurriedly.

 

»Of course, not«, Mr Bates agreed. But that didn’t quite answer his questions.

 

»What became of them?« Bates asked referring to Thomas and the boy. Mrs Patmore looked uncomfortable, as if she had eaten a lemon, »I don’t make it my business to search for other peoples’ dirty underwear, Mr Bates.«

 

»I know«, he tried to calm her.

 

Appeased she tried to remember and at last said, »One morning, I got up somewhat late and went into the kitchen. I wanted to know why the food wasn’t already there, so I took a peak through the window and saw Mr Goodfellow standing behind some boxes. He was obviously starring at something and surely enough Thomas and that boy emerged from behind the bins. They didn’t saw me or Mr Goodfellow, but he must have seen them and I admit that I was a tad bit worried what he would do…« Mrs Patmore stooped but waved off her own concerns, »That of course was silly. Mr Goodfellow wasn’t the problem as it turned out.«

 

That did peak his interest, »What do you mean?«

 

»Well,…«, Mrs Patmore started but paused for a second, »It was shortly after that incident that Thomas was discovered by Mr Carson, when he opened the doors one morning. The boy had apparently had a rough night at the pub and hadn’t made it home in time. So, he had spent the night outside. Mr Carson wasn’t amused, as you can imagine. He had a serious discussion with him in his office as the others slowly came downstairs. I…«

 

Intrigued Bates noticed that the fierce cook went pale, when she remembered, »I don’t know what exactly transpired between them, but then…« She looked honest to God disturbed something that Bates wasn’t used to.

 

It seemed like she was brazing herself, when she at last continued, »Mr Carson was shouting at Thomas. Something about being a disgrace to this household and a foul character. Nothing new to you, I guess… After a while Mr Carson dragged Thomas out on the yard and started hitting him with a stick.«

 

Deeply in thought she looked at the yard in front of her, as if she could still see the happenings of that day unfold before her eyes. »I remember how Mrs Hughes had tried to get Mr Carson to stop and tell her what Thomas had done to justify this, while I was keeping the maids from the door and the windows. It was a truly dreadful experience. I never had seen Mr Carson so livid… I was certain that Thomas would be kicked out, but Mr Goodfellow had a long talk with Mr Carson and whatever they talked about seemed to convince Mr Carson that Thomas deserved a second chance. Thomas owed him his position. Not that he showed any thankfulness. He seemed to despise the footman, even though he had put his head on the line for him.«

 

Damn it, Bates thought. A cruel intuition beginning to form in his gut.

 

»How?«, he demanded with a little too much force in his voice.

 

Mrs Patmore was taken aback from his unusual demeanor, »Well, Mr Carson never spoke about that morning, but afterwards Thomas was under Mr Goodfellow’s direct supervision. He spent every minute with the boy to lead him on a better path, but you know Thomas… He never was one to accept help or knew gratitude where it is due.«

 

The sickening feeling in his stomach started to grow into something ugly, »Why did you say that Thomas was a troublemaker? I thought you called him nice?«

 

The cook waved off her own comment, »All pretense as it turned out. He might have acted nice, but I heard rumors. As you know I strictly keep to my oven, but you can’t prevent to hear a few things.«

 

Trying for calm, he nodded, »Certainly. What did you hear?«

 

She shrugged, »Oh, just some nasty stuff of Thomas being mean and getting the other hallboys in trouble. Something like that I’m sure…«

 

»But you never witnessed it?«, he pressed.

 

At that Mrs Patmore stared at him trying to conjure up an incident she must have witnessed, but as Bates had predicted she couldn’t, »No, I… I don’t think I have… strange, but it was so long ago. I’m sure I just forgot…«

 

Mrs Patmore was obviously alarmed, when she couldn’t think of one occasion, »Why do you ask that?«

 

»I’m not sure yet«, Bates replied and went back inside.

 

Could it be true, he couldn’t stop to wonder in growing horror.

 

Could something like that had happened in Downton?

 

It seemed impossible, but his instinct told him otherwise and Bates had the feeling of getting sick.

 

Had he truly mistaken the underbutler for someone, who was just inherently unkind? Had he been so blind?

 

There was one person left beside Thomas or Goodfellow, who knew more of what transpired that morning. He had to try to speak with Mr Carson.

 

How he was supposed to get the butler to speak was another matter entirely…

 

 

He had just stepped in the servant’s hall, when Mr Goodfellow came down the stairs holding his left eye. Blood ran down over a small cut over his eyebrow.

 

»God Lord! What happened Mr Goodfellow?«, Mrs Hughes exclaimed, but the valet waved her off, »I was just careless and run into a door, I am afraid.«

 

»A door?«, Daisy peeked up questioningly, while Mrs Hughes was already leading him into her office to clean the wound.

 

Damn, Bates thought. That must have been one hell of an angry door.

 

 

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

 

Nothing happened, Thomas tried to console himself.

 

Nothing you can’t stomach.

 

Just go on and don’t think about it.

 

Oh, how he wished that his mantra was working…

 

How on earth was he supposed to teach Andrew tonight?

 

A knock announced Alexander, who peeked around the door.

 

»Mr Barrow? May I ask you a question?«, Alexander inquired hesitantly. His tone and nervousness didn’t bod well.

 

Why, now? Why, today? But, in the end, he had promised the boy to look out for him.

 

Massaging his forehead, Thomas asked, »What do you want to know?«

 

The hallboy came into the room closing the door behind him, »It is kind of personal question…«

 

Weren’t they always?

 

Sighing heavily, Thomas pressed, »What is it?«

 

At first Alexander said nothing. Then in one big breath he said in surprising speed, »Harry and I want to make love, but we don’t know what to do.«

 

Thomas starred blankly at the teenager in front of him.

 

He didn’t just ask him to explain… Oh, fuck… No!

 

Like a movie a memory played out before his inner eye.

 

_»Don’t be silly, Thomas. There is nothing to that question. It is completely natural to ask them just as it is normal to be nervous before you know how good it can feel«, Gideon laughed taking of his shirt._

_They were at London House and Thomas had finally found the courage to ask Gideon about sex, when they were in the safety of their own room._

_Thomas was relieved about his friend’s reaction, »Were you nervous?«_

_Nodding he sat down next to Thomas whispering, »I was petrified. I had no idea what to do or what to expect, but I found a great young men who introduced me to these secret pleasures.«_

_Hearing Gideon speak about pleasures he became surer that the man in the alley had deliberately hurt him. There was obviously more to it than Thomas had expected._

_Gideon said reliving old memories, »That was back then, I was still a hallboy and worked for another house. His name was Liam and he was second footman.«_

_»Wasn’t he your superior?«, Thomas asked in a hushed voice._

_Gideon poked his nose, laughing, »Such rules are for society, Thomas. People like us, we have to make our own rules. But, yes. He was my mentor in a lot of things. Very pleasurable things. Liam introduced me to a whole world of wonders and I was very grateful. You see… not many of us are taught of certain things. Many just get abused by older man not caring for their partner.«_

_That seemed to dawn on Thomas now and he started to really despise the man from the alley._

_Nonetheless, Thomas had to be absolutely sure and asked in a small voice, »So… it can be pleasurable… Sex, I mean?«_

_»Oh, yes. Thomas«, Gideon sighed wistfully._

_Gideon’s reaction convinced Thomas to give it another try, but first he had to know how to do it right._

_As if Gideon had read his thoughts, he encouraged, »You may ask, you know.«_

_Blushing and fidgeting with his hands, Thomas asked, »How… does it work?«_

_Gideon smiled, laid down on Thomas’ bed and started to talk in a hushed voice, so that no one would hear them. Not that anyone could, as they were alone on the men’s corridor. It made it all the more exiting, Thomas decided._

_What followed were certainly the most scandalous explanations Thomas had ever heard and yet, he found himself transfixed. It was like a curtain had been lifted and now he could finally understand the past and knew what the future might hold for him._

_In the end Gideon kissed Thomas softly on the forehead, before he went to his own bed leaving Thomas to dream of unknown pleasures. He certainly wanted to try them with Timothy, especially as his friend had implied that he would like to lay with Thomas. Until now however he had been doubtful, if he wanted to tarnish what they had with something that hurt, but now Thomas knew how to make it good. It was exciting to think about the possibilities._

 

How damn young he had been and now this boy in front of him asked for the same explanations Goodfellow had given him so many years ago.

 

 

Damn, he thought. Why had it to be me?

 

The answer was simple. Thomas had told Alexander to come to him for help and he was the only qualified to answer his question. It was just natural for a boy his age to be curious, especially since Alexander had his first supposedly true love.

 

Yet, the mere thought to talk about it with a teenager made his stomach hurt. Too many memories were ingrained into his own introduction to the subject. However,… was Thomas to send Alexander away and keep hoping that he would never meet some abusive asshole that would hurt him just because he didn’t know better?

 

Thomas was highly debating the right course of action, all while said teenager stood hopeful and at the same time embarrassed and scarred in front of him.

 

It had taken a lot of courage to ask Thomas for help. He had to give him that.

 

In the end no information could leave him hurt in more than one way. So, Thomas steeled himself and pushed his own memories away.

 

»Okay, I give you a few short explanation, but I don’t want you to ask this of me ever again and you have to promise me that you and your friend will be careful should you ever take that step?«

 

What followed were longest five minutes of his life in terms of embarrassment.

 

When Alexander finally left his room, he nearly collided with Andrew who looked suspiciously at a red-faced Alexander running to his room.

»Did something happen«, Andrew inquired closing the door behind him.

 

Thomas rolled his eyes replying, »No, he had just some troubles with a friend and needed someone to talk to.« It wasn’t atotal lie, Thomas conceded.

 

»A friend? Who, he never associates himself with Alan and Gerald«, Andrew asked sitting down on Thomas chair.

 

»Can you blame him? They are teasing him relentlessly«, Thomas countered while taking out the book the were reading.

 

Looking up from the page, where they had stopped Thomas saw that Andrew was still not satisfied. »What is troubling you Andrew?«

 

»Nothing, it just seems that you two are spending a lot of time together. Mr Goodfellow and others have mentioned it as of late«, Andrew said unable to look Thomas in the eyes.

 

Of course, they did, Thomas thought bitterly, »Did they now? I guess everyone is concerned that I have a bad influence on him, am I right?«

 

Andrew went pale, »It’s just… There have been rumors…«

 

»What rumors«, Thomas demanded starting to get a severe headache.

 

For several minutes Andrew remained silent, obviously debating with himself until he broke out, »Did you hit Mr Goodfellow?«

 

Great, Thomas thought. Could this day become any worse? Sighing deeply he inquired, »Did he say that?«

 

»No.« Andrew declined. »He said that he walked into a door, but no one really believes that.«

 

»And the only reasonable explanation is that I hit him?« Thomas tried for nonchalance, but it was hard. The events of today still too troubling, too shameful for Thomas to smoothly lie.

 

»So, did he you hit him?«, Andrew pressed on.

 

Yes, I did, Thomas wanted to scream. Naturally he didn’t. whatever Goodfellow was playing at, Thomas wouldn’t give him the ammunition to do it. »What do you believe I do to Alexander? What evil schemes do you think I plan behind your back?«

 

Andrew looked taken aback, »I didn’t…«

 

»Yes, you did. Every time you ask me about Alexander, you insinuate that I am bad for him. Just as everyone believed that I would somehow harm you.« Thomas felt his anger built up. There was just too much tension and frustration ready to burst out at any minute for Thomas to be sensible and simply ignore the accusation – even, if he did hit Goodfellow. After all, no one would even think to ask what that bastard had done to him. Not then, not now…

 

Thomas stood up pacing the room ignoring the disturbed look on Andrew’s face for his fight to hold back tears. He was so done with crying, but crying in front of the footman was out of the question.

 

He wasn’t weak.

 

You had to be strong… Goodfellow's voice cut sharp like a knife and Thomas stopped, his back to Andrew.

 

How could this have happened again?

 

Why didn’t he wake up?

 

Why didn’t he open his eyes?

 

How could he have believed to be dreaming?

 

He had liked it. Actually liked it. Moaned. Gasped for pleasure. Holding him close…

 

His rational mind tried to reason that he hadn’t known that it was Goodfellow, but rational thinking could go fuck itself!

 

Nothing of what happened to Thomas was rational.

 

 

»Mr Barrow?« Andrew’s voice shocked Thomas out of his tirade of misery.

 

Quickly he dried his tears and turned back to Andrew who was watching him with sad eyes.

 

Thomas couldn’t help the slight crack in his voice, »I promised you that I wouldn’t tell anyone about our lessons and I won’t. I owe Alexander the same courtesy and I won’t break his faith in me to appease you. Do you understand?«

 

Nodding slowly Andrew seemed ashamed, »I understand, Mr Barrow… « Offering his hand, he added, »I’m sorry.«

 

»All good«, Thomas replied and shook his hand.

 

Only that nothing was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware that this chapter contains non-con. The abused person is half-sleeping and not aware that he isn't dreaming.


	11. the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truth is revealed...
> 
> Thank you all so much for the lovely comments and the kudos!
> 
> Please mind the warnings as this chapter contains some heavy stuff. I found it hard writing it...

Bates

 

 

 

Bates steeled himself for the next conversation. It was highly unlikely that Mr Carson would go into detail of what had happened, but he had to try.

 

Knocking at the butler’s office, Mr Carson looked up from his work, »Ah, Mr Bates. What can I do for you?«

 

»I was wondering whether I could speak with you for a moment«, Bates replied and stepped inside closing the door behind.

 

Mr Carson gestured to the chair opposite from him, »Well, if it is indeed just a moment, of course.«

 

Now that he was sitting in front of the man he admired and considered a friend he could hardly form the question he came here to ask. Hesitantly, Bates started, »Mr Carson, I know this seems to be an impertinent question, but how well do you know Mr Goodfellow?«

 

Mr Carson looked at him surprised of the turn of conversation, »I know him well enough from his time at the Down. One of the best and most devoted footmen I ever had the pleasure of supervising.«

 

»He was well liked, I assume?«, Bates pressed and the butler nodded,  »He was indeed. Always ready to help others and always a kind word on his lips. But why do you ask?«

 

Trying for a modest way of phrasing it, Bates began, »I have witnessed him voicing concerns about Mr Barrow. Quite severe concerns.«

 

The butler snorted, »Probably well-deserved as I imagine. We all know how he is and he certainly didn’t behave properly to Mr Goodfellow since he arrived.«

 

Despite of the truth in his words, Bates found it worrisome that the butler would just ignore his concerns. »He worked for the man who wanted to abuse him, who tried to force himself on Mr Barrow.«

 

»And Mr Goodfellow is regretting it. He didn’t know about that man’s work. Although Mr Barrow’s dislike stems more from his past, I guess«, Mr Carson countered and Bates nodded, »I’ve heard about the extraordinary measures that were undertaken.«

 

»Yes, I suppose you did«, Mr Carson replied and seemed nervous. The topic was none he wished to talk about, that much was clear. Clearing his throat the butler explained somewhat agitated, »Please don’t think me cruel. I always hated corporal punishments and he forced me to it, I’ll never forgive him.«

 

»If I may ask…«, Bates tried his luck, but was stopped by the butler, »It was necessary! Others would have simply thrown him out by his ears, but I hoped he could still grow to be a good person under the right supervision. Mr Goodfellow agreed with me and helped me in this endeavor. That alone is proof enough for Mr Goodfellow’s good character. I don’t know whether I could have worked so closely with someone who tried to harm me in such a way.«

 

Well, that was something, Bates thought. »How did Mr Barrow try to harm him?«

 

»No!« The butler refused with a stern voice. »No, I am sorry, Mr Bates, but I will never talk about it. Never. Such disgusting accusations. Mr Barrow displayed his depraved character that day. Maybe I should have thrown him out… I often wondered, if it would have changed him…«

 

It probably changed him either way, Bates thought miserably.

 

Thanking the butler for his time. Bates went to go home to his cottage.

 

He was uncertain. Something he wasn’t used to.

 

He hadn’t shared his new insight with Mrs Hughes yet, even though she kept looking at him questioningly. How could he voice his suspicion, if he hadn’t got any proof? All he had was a suspicion. However dreadful that suspicion may be, he couldn’t ruin a man’s reputation based on it.

 

Not to mention, if he was correct that would lay blame on man of his friends, even on his beloved wife. How would she feel, when she realized that she hadn’t helped her friend, when he had truly needed her?

 

The mere thought of telling Anna what he had heard and what he believed had happened was gut-wrenching. His sweet Anna… hadn’t she suffered enough? She hadn’t known after all.

 

Yet, he couldn’t just brush a past crime aside just so he and the others could be at peace. That wasn’t right… and it was unfair to Thomas.

 

It was also possible that Goodfellow would try something similar again and Bates had to at least tried to prevent it. No, he had to prevent time repeating itself. He wowed it to Thomas and to Anna.

 

It was time to speak with Thomas. Lord, help me…

 

 

 

 

He was standing outside of his cottage. It was his and Anna’s half day and Anna had gone shopping.

 

Bates knew that Thomas had been assigned to run some errands and would aim to do them as fast as possible in order to know what Goodfellow was up to. Luckily, he and the hallboys would be observed by the other servants as they worked in the servant’s hall. It would give them some time to talk in private – if Thomas would actually talk to him…

 

Bates knew that Thomas would pass his cottage on his way to him and so he waited.

 

He didn’t need to wait long, as Thomas was already walking back to the Abbey.

 

»Mr Bates«, Thomas greeted him. »Are you enjoying your halfday?«

 

»No. I’m afraid there is an old threat that I’ve come to uncover and I would like to talk to you about it«, Bates replied and gestured to the cottage.

 

Thomas hesitated looking wary, »What threat could that probably be and why would you want to talk to me about it?«

 

»Because it involves you«, Bates answered waiting for the younger man’s reaction.

 

»I don’t know what you mean«, Thomas replied hastily and went a shade paler looking around as if someone was lurking behind the bushes.

 

»I could of course just go to Mr Carson«, Bates suggested innocently knowing that his approach wasn’t particularly fair. It did however ignite the intended reaction from Thomas, who promptly shouted, »No!«

 

Remembering that he was still out in the open Thomas added more controlled, »If you insist on talking with me, I’ll gladly accept this kind invitation.«

 

They went inside, where Thomas put down the bags. After Bates offer, Thomas sat down on a chair at the table, but didn’t touch the tea or left Bates out of his eyes.

Thomas fidgeted with his heat obviously nervous and waited for Bates to say something. Although Thomas was as well put together as ever, he seemed tired and on edge.

 

What Bates saw wasn’t a man who was envy of another man or someone who was out to be mean to others for joy. No. it was something way more primitive – it was fear.

The more he observed Thomas the more he was convinced that something was wrong, something dire.

 

»Everyone seems to like Mr Goodfellow«, Bates ventured.

 

Thomas snorted, »Of course, everyone likes Mr Goodfellow.«

 

»Then, why don’t you?«, Bates inquired pouring some tea in their cups.

 

»I don’t like anyone, haven’t you heard?«, Thomas stressed and Bates huffed, »I wouldn’t tell that to the children.«

 

Thomas shrugged his shoulders, »Children don’t count. No one dislikes children.«

 

»What about hallboys?«, Bates asked pointedly and Thomas was about to get up, »What are you getting at Mr Bates?! I have other things to do.«

 

»Like shadowing Mr Goodfellow?«, asked and added before Thomas could deny it, »Don’t try to deny it. It’s quite obvious.«

 

Thomas bristled, »The man worked for a psychopath. It won’t hurt to be cautious.«

 

That was certainly true, Bates thought nodding. »But it is more than that.«

 

»What more could there be?«, Thomas clenched his fists. »Mr Goodfellow is a saint, always was.«

 

It sure must have looked that way, Bates agreed. »I don’t believe in sainthood and neither do you.« Thomas hands started to shake and Bates leaned forward softly asking, »What happened between you and him?«

 

»Nothing«, Thomas said at once.

 

It was to be suspected that Thomas wouldn’t be inclined to just spill the beans. There was too much heartache and too much distrust. Bates couldn’t blame him. After all, Thomas had once tried to tell what happened and the people entrusted with his well-being called him foul and punished him for his courage and trust.

 

»Tell me what happened«, he repeated.

 

»Why should I? It changes nothing and he’ll begone soon. Gone and forgotten«, Thomas bristled starring a hole on the floor.

 

As if things like these were easily forgotten, Bates thought bitterly, remembering the pain Anna had to go through. No, Bates decided. He wouldn’t just leave it. »He is already spreading rumors about you. He voiced concern about you badly influencing Alexander and Andrew.«

 

Thomas just stared at him, his voice resigned, »I know.«

 

»He did something similar once, didn’t he?« Bates pressed hoping that Thomas would come around and confide in him.

 

Thomas chuckled wearily, »Worked didn’t it?... They all were so ready to believe it…«

 

The air of silent despair surrounding Thomas was disheartening and Bates had to swallow before promising the miserable man in front of him, »I will believe you.«

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

For minutes Thomas just stared at him, debating with himself.

Bates had helped him twice now without any reason. Yet, the mere thought of telling someone, of confessing how horrendously stupid he had been was terrifying. Was it worth it, Thomas wondered and thought back on the incident in the attic. A cold shudder ran over his back. It had happened again. Just for a second, he’d been unalert and that bastard had preyed on him. Maybe, Thomas rationalized, it would be easier to have another person be attentive to that man’s deceptions. Maybe he could finally sleep.

 

Taking heart Thomas began without much introduction, »I didn’t like him at first. Something was odd about him and he scared me… The others didn’t understand my apprehensions. They kept encouraging me to be more open, to trust him… After a while, I did… He was kind, helpful. He was like… He liked man too.«

 

Bates didn’t interrupt him just listened, while Thomas started to pour his heart out like a dam had been broken. There was no going back now, just truth. No hiding, no secrets. Just the god honest truth, »You can’t understand, what it means… what it means to have someone you can talk to. For someone being there for you. No judgement, no hidden disgust… but acceptance, someone who understands how it feels… how it feels to be called foul,… a sinner… a…«

 

Thomas couldn’t bring himself to voice the word and his hand cramped over his scar, »The hiding, the constant fear of being discovered and put into prison or an asylum. The question of why lingering in your every thoughts… why can’t I change? Why can’t I be normal? What is wrong with your head or your body?... You don’t know how hard it is to accept that you can never have a family. To accept that you can never change… to accept yourself and your feelings…«

 

On the verge of tears Thomas explained, »Gideon was my rock. The first person ever I could talk to… really talk to. I didn’t need to pretend or be scared… I loved him for that… just, not… just not the way he’d wanted me to…«

 

»I assume he didn’t take it well, when he found out«, Bates asked softly and Thomas nodded, »I was so horrendously naïve. I actually believed he would be happy for me…«

 

Shaking his head, he admitted, »I was so stupid…«

 

_It was amazing, Thomas thought wandering along the fields and the back to the Abbey._

_Well, it had been awkward at first. It had been really awkward to be honest. Not only had Thomas had to stretch himself beforehand at a body part he had never thought of touching himself – but, he had likewise to explain the mechanisms to Timothy._

_Luckily Timothy hadn’t laughed at him, but had listened closely._

_It made it way easier to allow Timothy to stretch him again and… what a wondrous spot Timothy had found. Thomas had never assumed what a brilliant spot had been hiding inside him._

_Yes, at first it had hurt a little, when Timothy had put himself inside Thomas, but once he had found that spot – Thomas had finally understood the appeal of sex._

_The closeness to a loved person, not only in spirit, but through their bodies was addicting. The feeling of skin against skin, lips and hands caressing and that overwhelming feeling of that spot – it was almost too much…_

_Yet, it had been over way to early with Thomas coming first and Timothy spending into him. Thomas was relieved that the thought of Timothy’s fluid inside him wasn’t disgusting as it had with the man in the alley. It was somehow warmer._

_Next time, it would be Thomas who topped, they had decided. It was only fair and Thomas was curious how different it would feel._

_A sudden movement in the forest caught Thomas’ attention as Gideon stepped out between the trees._

_»Did you have fun?«, his friend asked standing in front of him._

_All too happy Thomas missed the judgmental tone in Gideon’s voice and hardened face, »It was amazing, Gideon! I never thought it would feel this good. I owe you a great deal for explaining it to me.«_

_Gideon’s lips quivered, »It was amazing? Really…«_

_Only then, did it occur to Thomas that his friend wasn’t smiling, but seemed furious._

_Had he done something wrong, Thomas wondered innocently. Why wasn’t Gideon glad for Thomas?_

_»I thought we had something special…« Gideon whispered accusingly. »I thought you cared for me…«_

_Not understanding Gideon’s behavior, Thomas assured him, »We have something special. We are friends and I do care for you. How could you ever think otherwise?«_

_Gideon stepped closer and Thomas could see that Gideon had cried. Had something happened to his friend? Not knowing what to do, he tried to comfort his friend embracing him, »You are so important to me Gideon… never doubt that. You gave me so much!«_

_»But what did you gave me?« Gideon whispered with a broken voice, tears falling down on Thomas jacket. Pressing himself against Thomas his friend asked coldly, »If I am so important to you, why did you sleep with that boy?!«_

_What, Thomas thought surprised, when Gideon took hold of his chin with a hard bruising grip, »Why did you betray me? Why would you hurt me like that?!« Thomas tried to free himself, but Gideon hold him firmly in place, seething_

_._

_»Gideon, you are… hurting me«, Thomas attempted to reason without success._

_»No, my love… you hurt me!«, Gideon swore and finally… finally, Thomas understood._

_With wide opened eyes, Thomas looked at his friend as if he’d seen him for the first time. How hadn’t he seen this?_

_All of a sudden, a hand hit him with full force sending him to the ground._

_Stunned Thomas kept laying on the ground holding the side of his face. He had hit him. Gideon had hit him…_

_Before Thomas could muster a coherent thought, Gideon heaved him from the ground. A hand over his mouth and still dizzy from the blow, Thomas couldn’t prevent Gideon from shoving him further into the forest._

_Numbly Thomas continued to ask, what is happening into Gideon’s hand._

_At last Gideon stopped turning Thomas around to face him and hit him again._

_And again._

_And again._

_Thomas fell to the ground once more, too perplexed to really understand what was happening to him, when he felt a foot kicking him. Once, twice._

_Thomas groaned. He hurt. There was blood in his mouth._

_Why?_

_It was the only question, the only thing that made sense to Thomas._

_He was turned around._

_Gideon was kneeling over him._

_A knife, Thomas thought belatedly. He was holding a knife._

_Why?_

_Gideon ripped his clothes open._

_Then, it dawned on Thomas. Gideon had a fucking knife pointing at him!_

_Thomas didn’t get a chance to free himself, as Gideon laid on top of him. Trapping him underneath his heavy body._

_Thomas felt the cold knife starting to pierce trough his skin, right over his pounding heart._

_No, Thomas screamed. He wants to kill me!_

_But instead of killing him, the knife kept cutting into his skin._

_In his pain, Thomas heard Gideon mumble, »That is what you are. You are a monster. A monster to hurt me. A monster to betray me like this. I will mark you as such. A monster. I love a monster…«_

_It seemed like hours, till Gideon finally stopped cutting Thomas._

_Let it be over. Over, Thomas hoped, when he felt Gideon ripping his trouser open._

_Panicking again, Thomas tried to get free, but Gideon merciless turned him around._

_God, no… No, please… Thomas prayed and screamed in his head, but Gideon didn’t stop._

_No one magically appeared to save him._

_There was no escape…_

_It hurt._

_Oh, God!_

_I hurt!_

 

 

Thomas went silent reliving the pain and helplessness of that night.

 

»At some point he left. Gideon went back to the Abbey having the keys from Mr Carson, he could just open and close the door. Mr Carson only ever gave him the keys. After then, he didn’t hand the keys to anyone«, Thomas continued only vaguely being aware of Bates listening.

He was too enthralled in his memories. It felt strangely liberating and at the same moment even more painful to tell somebody. »I laid there for hours, before I found the strength to limb home… it took me forever to reach the closed doors. I was confused, devastated… and yet, I was determined… I was hopeful…«

 

Thomas looked up to Bates, »I was hopeful. Isn’t that strange?... I was so certain that Mr Carson would help me. Mr Carson the strict but kind and just butler of Downton Abbey. It didn’t cross my mind that he wouldn’t believe me. He always did what was right. He was fair. He would see to Gideon getting punished for what he did… At Downton I would get the justice I never had the luck of experiencing before, when people hurt me. Here at Downton it mattered. It mattered, I was so certain…«

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

 

Bates felt numb.

 

He had known what to expect. Thomas’ words left him shaken nonetheless.

 

He knew what followed, but he didn’t interrupt him just left him continue in his own pace.

 

»When Carson found me the next morning, he jostled me into his office. He was furious. I tried to tell him what had happened, but he wouldn’t listen. I was standing as proof right in front of him, but he didn’t care to hear the truth. I begged him to call Dr Clarkson as he could verify what I was saying was the truth… It didn’t matter.«

 

Thomas swallowed as tears were running down his face, »He called me foul. Foul to bemire the good reputation of a man just to hid my hideous behavior. Carson believed that I got into a fight doing some shady business and was now trying to blame my superior to curry favor by him.«

 

Bates had to remind himself not burst out in anger and let Thomas finish.

 

Th underbutler solemnly carried on, »He scraped me by the scruff of my neck and took me outside. He hit me with a stick calling me horrendous names… He never entertained the thought that I was telling the truth. He suspected my foul nature had disclosed at last… Not for one fucking moment did Carson consider the possibility that his precious first footman could be a psychopath. No… I was the troublemaker, the shady character, the foul soul…«

 

 

Thomas went silent and the following quiet was way too loud for Bates liking.

 

When Thomas stayed silent, Bates said, »I’m sorry.«

 

It wasn’t enough. The words seemed too shallow, too often used. He wished he knew better ones, but he didn’t.

 

At last Thomas huffed, »Wasn’t your fault.«

 

»It wasn’t yours either«, Bates offered.

 

Thomas nodded thoughtfully, »I know that. Back then, I didn’t know what to think or what to do.«

 

A disbelieving chuckle sounded from Thomas, »You know what’s most ironic? The only person in this god damn house who saw what was happening was Mrs O’Brien. I could never stand her before. But, she helped me cover up wounds and created situations, in which she needed my help for some reason, so that I could have a break from my new supervisor.«

 

Bates could just picture that woman manipulating a traumatized boy, all while she probably thought herself the kindest and smartest of them all. He had a sudden urge to puke. »I heard that he became your supervisor and that you shared a room.«

 

Thomas didn’t seem to be surprised that his past was a talking point. »It took her about four months to instigate that he got a new position. Four months of hell… I did a lot of bad things to help insure that he would be gone. I owed her and at that point everybody had given me up as troublemaker and avoided me… The more they despised me, the angrier I got… At some point, I had to accept that it would never matter how I behaved, they would always just see someone bad. Why ever should I try to be good?... It didn’t matter. In a way his departure liberated me, but I was still alone. Only good old sneaky O’Brien was willing to converse with me.«

 

»Did you never tell anyone?« Bates couldn’t but ask. It seemed dreadful, near impossible really, to keep this to yourself.

 

Thomas just shrugged, »No one would have believed me. Not after Carson. All I had was a diary. The pages were more forgiving and less judgemental than my fellow co-workers.«

 

And wasn’t he right? Bates however had to know something else, »Are you afraid that he could harm the hallboys?«

 

»He is a mad man. Who knows what he’ll do«, Thomas replied massaging his forehead.

 

He looked exhausted, Bates noticed, truly exhausted. The events as of late had apparently taken its toll from Thomas. How could they not? »Has he tried anything?«

 

Thomas looked away and started to play with his hat again. That couldn’t be a good sign, Bates noted.

 

»Not with the hallboys. He seems…« Thomas halted in his words. His hand went to his heart again and now that Bates knew what was hidden beneath, the gesture let his blood boil. »Did he try something on you?«

 

»Tried?...« Thomas started and shook his head. »He succeeded…«

 

»What?«, Bates almost screamed. When did that happen? What had happened? Why hadn’t he known? There were too many questions in his head.

 

Thomas nodded obviously ashamed, he explained, »I was just so goddamn tried. No one was in the attic. I laid down on a chaislongue for a couple of minutes sleep. I just wanted to sleep… I thought I was dreaming… I wasn’t and I woke up and he… he…«

 

Damn, Bates cursed in his mind. That perverted asshole! Thinking back at the bastards supposed accident, he bristled, »He deserved more than just a black eye.«

 

»If you wish to get justice, I will help you«, Bates offered, but Thomas declined.

 

He wished he could bring justice to Thomas. However, it was his decision and he had to respect that. Especially, as all they had was Thomas word. It wasn’t enough o press charges or anything.

 

Sighing Bates repeated, »I’m sorry.«

 

This time Thomas didn’t brush it off, but took his cup of tea. Pro-sing the cup, the underbutler smiled ruefully, »Thank you.«

 

 

 


	12. Misconception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings!
> 
> I'm sorry for the long wait, but bureaucracy and some projects had kept me confined to deal with the real world.
> 
> Anyone else ever thought yourself to be stuck in the crazy house from Asterix? I certainly felt so at times ;)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always thank you all for the kudos and comments!

Bates

 

 

It wasn’t right.

 

The thought kept turning around in his head, since Thomas had gone back to the Abbey reminding him once more not to tell anyone.

 

It was understandable to let sleeping dogs rest, but it wasn’t right.

 

No, it certainly wasn’t right.

 

Especially, as that dog was currently causing havoc again.

 

 

 

A noise alerted him that Anna had just stepped inside their cottage.

 

»You spoke with Thomas?«, Anna said putting down her bags and sitting beside Bates on their sofa. »Did you learn anything?«

 

Bates couldn’t answer, he had even trouble looking at her. His sweet Anna, who had already gone through so much… it was strange how much he wanted to tell her and at the same time feared it.

 

»You know the reason why he was hit.« It wasn’t a question. Anna was smart and she could read him like an open book.

 

He had been on a case for a few days now and Anna knew that it started after they had talked about Thomas. Gradually Bates had endorsed himself deeper and deeper in his thoughts. Something she had noticed, but not yet commented on. She seemed to have been waiting for him to come out of his wool-gathering to tell her what was bothering him.

 

Now that she had seen Thomas leave their Cottage, her curiosity wouldn’t accept a “no”. They were too similar for that to happen.

 

»Something did happen back then. Something terrible…« Bates started unsure how much he should reveal to her. »Thomas doesn’t want me to say anything and I can understand why. In the end, all proof he has are his words… Well, except…«

 

Bates got an idea remembering Thomas mentioning a diary. But would that proof anything? They were his words, whether they were written or spoken didn’t seem to make much of a difference.

 

»Except what?« Anna pressed attentive.

 

Bates shook his head, »Nothing… There is just no solid proof that wouldn’t stem from Thomas and _he_ could just claim that Thomas had produced false evidence in a malice attempt against him.«

 

Anna took his hand in hers urging him to look at her, »You mean Goodfellow, don’t you? Goodfellow did something to Thomas.«

 

Solemnly he nodded.

Could he break Thomas’ trust by telling her? After what he had endured trust was something precious and Bates couldn’t simply betray him. Yet, Anna had already guessed the core of it. Of course, she had, he mused. His loving and compassionate Anna. How would she react? Could he force that knowledge onto her?

 

As if she read his mind, she smiled sadly at him, »I know you want to protect me, but I think that I’ve proven to be strong. I can handle everything that you will tell me and I won’t go running around screaming secrets… I won’t betray Thomas’ trust in you, but you need to share your burden.«

 

She gently placed one of her hands on his cheek, »No secrets between us, remember? We do everything together.«

 

Huffing, he softly kissed their still joined hands, »I don’t deserve you.«

 

»Stop this silly talk, Mr Bates.« She ordered him with a stern but mocking voice. »Confide in me, my love.«

 

So, he told her everything he had learned. Holding her and trusting her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

 

Trust.

 

What a fragile thing it was. Easily broken and almost impossible to repair.

 

Had he done the right thing by telling Bates?

 

Thomas couldn’t decide and kept working.

 

He was back in the attic. Dusting, cleaning, sorting through boxes, moving furniture and refusing to look at that sordid chaiselonge.

 

Because the worst thing was that he had enjoyed it. Damn it! He had needed that. Needed that for so long now. Not Goodfellow, mind you. The mere thought of him touching him that way made him feel sick. The realization that Thomas had kissed and caressed that bastard was gut-wrenching…

Thomas halted in his movements trying not to vomit.

 

Why the heck was that happening to him again? Was he some kind of magnet for perverts?

 

Did he look like easy prey?

 

No, Thomas reminded himself. Don’t even think that. You know that you are stronger than that. Don’t let that sick bastard back into your head.

 

 

 

»Are you still trying to convince yourself that you didn’t enjoy our time together…«

 

That voice seemed to haunt him.

 

Goodfellow, of course it was him.

 

»You’ll find another fist in your visage, if you come near me«, Thomas growled warningly.

 

Goodfellow just smiled making himself comfortable on that soiled piece of furniture. »That wouldn’t be smart… but you were always too emotional, too quick to act. I shouldn’t have left you so early. You still had so much to learn, my sweet darling.«

 

Don’t fall into his trap, Thomas thought and turned back to his work trying to ignore the chuckles coming from the man behind him.

 

He felt the other’s eyes on him like fire burning at his skin.

 

»Would you draw me? I would like to know how you see me now, truly«, came the nostalgic voice behind him.

 

The nerve of that man! »I think I made that clear enough«

 

»Did you ever regret it?« The question escaped Thomas before he could stop himself. »Did you ever regret what you did to me?«

 

Goodfellow just looked endearingly at him, as if he was a child that had made a simple mistake calculating 1 + 1. »I wasn’t the one in the wrong, my love.«

 

»You raped and attacked me! You fucking carved your lie into my chest! You made my life a living hell«, Thomas yelled at him and turned to face him.

 

How that man could just brush off his own faults completely was beyond Thomas and it infuriated him. The bastard was supposed to feel guilty, to admit to his crime, to fucking apologies!

 

Of course, he didn’t offer any of the sort.

 

»You made it hell, because you fought against your feelings… And as for the hardships…«, Goodfellow said and stepped right into Thomas personal space, catching his eyes, »You’re strong, you needed to be strong and I made sure you were strong enough to face this cruel world. I ensured your survival, even if it meant that I had to hurt you…«

 

Images of Thomas crying silently in his room as though not to wake the creep beside him forced themselves on him. Hours of hoping that someone would open the door and see what was going on. Unwanted kisses and burning caresses sullying his skin. A warning hand daring him to resist. Dark colors marking his body to be quiet. Words of encouragement and endearments as poisonous as cold and pleading curses… or every cold stare from Mr Carson waiting for Thomas to act out.

 

Goodfellow didn’t know about his threatening memories. All too consumed in his own delusions. Reveling in their supposedly great love affair and his own greatness.

Paralyzed from the ongoing storm of memories Thomas stood motionless, when his nightmare dared to raise his hand. Careful fingers feeling the curves of every letter engraved on Thomas’ chest.

 

He should move, Thomas thought slowly. Yes, moving away from him…

 

His motion was put to a stop, when Goodfellow’s other hand grabbed his neck forcing Thomas even nearer. Whispering in pleading voice, »Isn’t that the greatest form of love? Acting in the best interest of your love despite your own discomfort?«

 

Move, Thomas ordered his body, but he was frozen, lost in a time-loop of his darkest fears. All while Goodfellow was caressing his lips forcing them open.

 

Why can’t I move, Thomas thought belatedly hearing that sordid voice whispering dreamingly, »I really left you too early… My lost love, have you truly never understood the gift I gave you?«

 

That shook Thomas out of his shock.

 

»Gift?«, he screamed and pushed the man away, »Abuse is no gift you perverted egomaniac!«

 

He had enough.

He wouldn’t back down.

He wouldn’t be put in despair by this man.

 

»They only remember what you made me out to be. You’re gift to me was isolation«, Thomas countered coldly, not even taking into account that damn scar.

 

Goodfellow seemed completely undisturbed by Thomas anger, simply shaking his head softly and correcting Thomas, »You’re clearly confused, my dear. You had me.«

 

Was that supposed to be a comfort, Thomas asked himself disgusted and said with a voice full of disdain, »You are a nightmare that haunts me in very interaction I have with the people of the Abbey. This is my world, the closest I have of a family and I’m trapped in the image you painted me in.«

 

The bastard had the nerve to smile ruefully saying, »I can’t change the painting I love, but I loved you nevertheless. If you don’t like your colors, you ought to change them and not blame me for your own wrong doings.«

 

No, not again, Thomas thought. You will never make feel like I deserved it. Bristling he turned back to his work, »I don’t need to hear this…«

 

»Yes, you do«, Goodfellow exclaimed furious all of the sudden, turning Thomas back around to face him.

 

Yes, Thomas thought idly. Show me how you really are. Nothing but a choleric narcissist.

 

Breathing in and out, Goodfellow calmed down at once, measuring Thomas with tearful eyes, »I can see your pain… your desperation… your loneliness… I can make that all go away.«

 

»By loving me?«, Thomas asked coldly.

 

»Yes… Yes, my darling«, Goodfellow said hopefully stepping closer again, but Thomas stepped back declaring with as much conviction as he could muster, »Your love only ever brought me pain. I hate you.«

 

Goodfellow’s face crumbled, »You don’t mean that. In your heart you know it to be true. You love me, just admit it.«

 

»Fuck you!«, Thomas threatened, leaving Goodfellow to chuckle lovingly, »Mmh, I’d prefer it the other way around.«

 

For the sake of Goodfellow’s nose and Thomas’ job Alexander had the good fortune to interrupt before Thomas did something he wouldn’t regret but certainly pay for.

 

»Mr Barrow?!« The hallboy asked and Thomas stepped away from Goodfellow. »Alexander. What Can I do for you?«

 

Alexander looked nervously from one to the other, »Mr Napier just arrived and he wishes to speak to you.«

 

»Thank you, I will be there shortly. Go ahead«, Thomas replied and the hallboy left. Turning once more to Goodfellow, who looked curiously after Alexander. Thomas bristled warningly, »Don’t even think about it. You’ll have more than a black eye, if you dare to touch him.«

 

»You misunderstand as always, my dear«, Goodfellow countered and left the attic.

 

He waited a few moments until he had composed himself and went down the stairs.

 

»Did he hurt you?«, Alexander asked him suddenly, surprising Thomas by stepping out of a corner at the bottom of the stairs.

 

The boy would cause him a heartache some day. Shaking his head, he declined, »No.«

 

»He is an asshole«, Alexander said and Thomas reprimanded, »Language! But… yes, he is an asshole.«

 

»Will you tell Mr Carson?«, Alexander asked, but Thomas said, »No, Alexander… He wouldn’t believe me.«

 

»He should«, he countered and Thomas wished once more for his naivety.

 

»Go back to the others and remember, you best stay with the others as long as he is here«, Thomas reminded him, as they reached the stairs to the servant’s wing. Alexander nodded, »I’ll will, but you needn’t worry, Mr Barrow. I have my halfday, so I’ll go to Harry.«

 

Thomas wasn’t sure, if that should assure him that Alexander was save. The hallboy at least seemed really enthusiastic running down the stairs.

 

Teenagers, Thomas wondered briefly, before going down to the library.

 

 

 

Thomas halted in front of the door.

 

What could Napier want from him? Surely, he could just inform Lord Grantham about the status of Shepard’s trial?

 

Steeling himself for whatever was awaiting him, he opened the door and walked into the big room.

 

»Ah, Barrow. Mr Napier would like to speak with you«, Lord Grantham greeted him with his tea in his hand, while his guest rose from the sofa.

 

Mr Napier nodded in his direction and addressed him politely, »I hope you are well after this ordeal, Mr Barrow.«

 

»Thank you, Sir«, Thomas replied trying to hold back any nasty comeback of how not well he currently felt. Thomas was fully aware of Mr Carson’s warning glare. How much Thomas would like to yell at him. Once again the butler was more engrossed in etiquette upstairs than his subordinates’ well-being.

 

Mr Napier walked towards him and seemed apprehensive, »I’m glad to say that Mr Shepard was found guilty and will serve his time in prison.«

 

Well, that was indeed fast. Napier wasn’t kidding about him and Hardwood wanting the man gone as soon as possible. That however didn’t explain his apologetic look. As if on cue, Napier went on to explain, »Sadly, I and the inspector in charge became aware of further misfortunate circumstances involving Mr Shepard’s let’s say practices.«

 

Here it comes, Thomas thought bitter.

 

»It seems that he had already treated – in his opinion at leads – some poor fellas and he wasn’t alone. We found papers directing us to some sorts of offices and found even more evidence of his insanity. Scripts of depraved methods of rehabilitation as he called them. It stands to reason – and Shepard more or less confirmed it in his tirades – that he didn’t act alone.«

 

Say you found evidence against Goodfellow. Please, just say it! Thomas prayed to any deity that would care to listen, but Napier’s next word shattered his hopes, »We don’t know yet, who his comrades are, but we’ve got some leads.«

 

Leads. It was something he supposed. Yet, he couldn’t really feel happy about the news.

 

Napier seemed to sense Thomas’ discomfort and added, »I know that it can’t be the news you were hoping for, but I assure that I will not rest until I found the rest of that pack. I have no patience for people that abuse the trust of desperate people. It may not be a popular opinion but I for one, think that those abusive creeps are the foul ones and not the poor men and women they tortured.«

 

»I quite agree with you«, Lord Grantham exclaimed, while Mr Carson couldn’t quite hide his disdain for anything related to that topic.

 

Thomas however was looking at Mr Napier, who in turn was nodding in encouragement. He seemed indeed to mean what he said.

 

»Thank you, Sir. That means a great deal to me«, he replied and Napier smiled empathically. For a moment Thomas wondered whether Napier knew about him or even if the man himself was of a different nature.

 

 

»Well, I need to be on my way, I’m afraid. I have some business in London«, Mr Napier apologized towards the Lord, Lord Grantham waved off his apology, »I myself have to go to London. It was really generous of you to come here.«

 

It was indeed generous, Thomas thought, as Lord Grantham addressed him, »Barrow, please tell Bates to prepare for the trip.«

 

Nodding Thomas left the library.

 

 

 

 

 

Bates

 

 

 

There were times Bates hated it to be on someone’s back and call.

 

It unnerved him to think that he had left Anna with a sadistic abuser. Not to mention the hallboys and Thomas.

 

Bates couldn’t concentrate on putting Lord Grantham’s close back and helping him redress himself for bed. Not while people could be in danger.

 

He had struggled with himself to tell his Lordship that he was sick suggesting that Thomas would go with him, but Thomas didn’t want to leave the hallboys under that man’s care.

 

He just prayed that all will be well.

 

»Bates, is everything all right? You seem oddly concerned. Is there an issue with Anna?«, Lord Grantham inquired after Bates had waited too long to hand him his shirt.

 

Bates shook out of his thoughts and declined, »No, My Lord. My apologies. Anna is well.« At least he hoped she was… and everyone else…

 

Lord Grantham didn’t seem satisfied, »Then what is bothering you, old friend?«

 

Bates looked up to the man he owed everything to. Maybe his Lordship could help. But would he believe him? Cautiously Bates replied, »Something is the matter, My Lord, something dire, but…«

 

He hesitated, »I was sworn to secrecy as the person doesn’t want anyone to know. The person is afraid that no one would believe him.«

 

»Is someone in danger?«, his Lordship asked solemnly trusting Bates estimation.

 

»Likely«, Bates replied and hoped that his decision was right.

 

Lord Grantham nodded, »Then tell me.«

 

After a short hesitation Bates did tell him everything he knew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thomas

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tiered to the bone Thomas started to undress wanting nothing but to sleep.

It was late and Thomas yearned for his bed. Nothing would stop him from his well-deserved rest now...

Of course, that was quite naive of him, as a quick knock at his door proofed.

Preparing for Goodfellow Thomas turned around.

What he certainly didn’t expect was a red-faced Alexander sliding in his room and closing the door.

 

He was obviously in distress and every nerve in his body screamed that something had happened. If Goodfellow…

 

»You have to help me, Mr Barrow«, Alexander interrupted his thoughts.

 

»Of course, I will help you«, Thomas said stepping to the nervous hallboy. »What happened. Did Goodfellow…«

 

»No! It’s not like that«, Alexander hurried to explain and seemed close to tears.

 

Sighing in relief, Thomas pressed, »What is troubling you then?«

 

Now Alexander blushed even more and seemed uncertain.

 

Whatever it was Alexander was clearly ashamed to admit to it, but at the same time decided to come to Thomas for help. It had to be urgent.

 

Trying to calm him down Thomas encouraged him, »You know you can tell me anything.«

 

»Well, we… got a bit… over exited and… I guess we did something wrong or, well… I didn’t want to say anything, but he hurt me pretty bad…«

 

Oh hell, no! Thomas couldn’t believe where this was going.

 

Why? Oh, why had he committed to help this boy?!

 

Deeply breathing in and out, Thomas tried to stay calm as Alexander was already close to hyperventilate, »Did you prepare yourself like I told you to?«

 

At once Alexander nodded, »Yes… I mean, I think so. But maybe, not quite so… «

 

»Thorough?«, Thomas suggested and felt a migraine coming it’s way.

 

Seriously, why had he gone through so much trouble to explain it?

 

»You should go to Dr Clarkson«, Thomas stated the obvious.

 

»No!«, Alexander exclaimed way too loudly at this hour and Thomas tried to calm him down, »He won’t say anything. He knows about me as well…«

 

Alexander however was beyond reason, way too scared to remember to be quiet, »No! No, I can’t go there. I can’t…«

 

»I’m neither qualified nor is it proper for me to treat you in such an area«, Thomas tried to make him see reason, all while praying that no one had heard him.

 

Alexander now went pale, »But I don’t think it’s serious… I just want to know if something is… broken or so…«

 

»Broken?«, Thomas asked incredulously and Alexander mumbled embarrassed, »Well, it hurts and it’s swollen… and it bled for a while…«

 

Oh, dear Lord, Thomas couldn’t but curse his fate or rather his decision to help the boy.

 

Sighing Thomas tried a different approach, »We make a compromise. I will take a quick look at it, but if I think you need to see a doctor, you will go to Dr Clarkson.«

 

»Would you come with me?«, Alexander asked now freely crying and Thomas felt pity, »Yes.«

 

After all, his first time had apparently not gone well, but that was a discussion for another time.

 

»Now let’s get this over this. I feel like a creep doing this«, Thomas said going with his fingers through his hair. At least Alexander had the good sense to apologize, »I’m sorry, Mr Barrow.«

 

»I know«, Thomas waved off his apology not really wanting to hear it, while Alexander turned around and started to take off his pants.

 

He had no idea how doctors could do this. They had to look at every area on the human body no matter the age or gender. Thomas for his part tried to block every thought out of his mind. Just a quick look and then he would drag that stupid boy to Clarkson whether he wants to or not.

 

That was the plan.

 

In reality everything turned from bad to way worse in an instant.

 

»What on earth?!«, Mr Carson’s voice shocked the two, as the butler stormed in followed by Goodfellow.

 

»What have you done this time?!«, the bastard screamed at him and Thomas froze.

 

Oh God, Thomas single thought was as he realized how this must look.

 

Alexander however had a different reaction altogether.

 

With a yelp he put his trouser back on and ran out of the room passed the intruders, who were focusing on him.

 

Thomas couldn’t really blame him. The boy probably thought that he would be outed and sent to the gallows.

 

Thomas on the other hand knew all too well, who would be put into prison for this.


	13. Written witness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more thank you all for the comments and kudos! :)
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this slightly shorter chapter!

 

Thomas

 

 

 

 

 

Keep running!

 

Thomas stumbled, but was able to find his balance and kept on running.

 

He was running. He was running away…

 

How did it come to this? – God, damn it! These shoes were not made for running.

 

Breath, run, breath, run… Just keep going…

 

So, he run through the forest, hoping that he could get on a train before Carson decided to phone the police.

 

A small hope, but it kept him running.

 

Just great, he thought grimly and in dire need of oxygen. I just went from underbutler to criminal on the run. Great…

 

 

And why? Because he had pitied a hallboy and wanted to help him. Yeah, that was his life. Do the right thing and you’ll pay for it.

 

Gosh, I hope Alexander is alright, he prayed. He must feel horrible.

 

He wasn’t sorry for Goodfellow’s arm however, which was probably strained or broken.

 

Carson and Goodfellow had tried to lock him up in his room, but Thomas hadn’t had any intention of going to jail for something he didn’t do. There was no hope that Carson would have listened. He had no choice but to attempt escape and so he did.

He had shoved Carson away, who in his age fell down. Goodfellow however had tried to hold him, which infuriated Thomas. Turning and twisting in the bastard’s arms he heard a crack and Goodfellow screamed and let him go.

 

A root stopped him suddenly and he landed in the dirt.

 

Cursing his fate, he turned around and breathed in and out, trying to fill his lungs with air.

 

Looking down on his left foot he could have cried. Measured by the pain he had at least overstretched the ankle, but considering his luck so far it could be strained.

 

Wonderful. Just brilliant.

 

Slowly he tried to stand up. Putting weight on the foot hurt, but it was bearable and so he limped the last meters to the train station.

 

Hiding behind a tree he listened for loud voices and looked for any sign of the police.

 

Luckily, there were none and so he limped on to the counter, praising his luck once more for having his wallet in his trousers.

 

The man at the counter looked at him suspiciously, when he saw his dishevelled appearance, but gave him the ticket.

 

So far so good

 

Thomas sighed and sat down on a bench at the end of the train-station.

 

 

Five minutes.

 

Five minutes more and he would be on the train.

 

He was exhausted and didn’t hear the three men coming up to him from behind.

 

Turning around, he had just time to get a quick look at the three strangers before one hit him full on the head.

 

Dazed he fell down and barely registered being carried away, a bag on his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anna

 

 

 

 

No, Anna thought. It couldn’t be.

 

This morning had brought nothing but ill news.

 

She had to do something. The question was what?

 

Staring blankly at her teacup, her thoughts were rushing through everything John had told her. There must be something that would…

 

Anna halted in her thoughts.

 

Yes, that could be something. At least, if Thomas hadn’t thrown it away, which was possible.

 

»You cannot possibly consider Thomas to be capable of something like that!«, exclaimed Mrs Baxter in an unusual accusing tone of voice.

 

The ladysmaid was beyond herself with desperation and didn’t want to hear Mr Mosely’s opinion on the accusation. He was probably thinking to console her with his strict acceptance of Thomas’ supposed actions, but Mrs Baxter knew Thomas since they were children and didn’t want to believe him capable of something so horrible.

 

Anna felt pity for the woman and shared her believe in Thomas’ innocence.

 

No matter what Mr Carson said, the mere thought of Thomas hurting a teenager like that was unthinkable. Especially after what John had told her about Goodfellow.

 

The man was now resting in the kitchen offering his own opinion on Thomas, while putting ice on his arm.

 

How did she not see it? How could she abandon her friend like that?

 

Of course, John had explained to her how Goodfellow had manipulated them to see Thomas as troublemaker, but that didn’t sooth her consciousness. She should have listened to him. She should have been more alert to the change in his behaviour.

 

Yet, now it was happening again and she had failed Thomas once more…

 

No, she decided. She wouldn’t abandon him again. Even if it was just a small chance to find it, she had to try.

 

But she could use help.

 

Looking back at the fight between Mrs Baxter and Mr Mosely she made up her mind.

 

Stepping beside the woman, she laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, »Please calm down, Mrs Baxter. I’m sure that everything will be put to right. Let’s clean you up a bit.«

 

Mrs Baxter wanted to refuse, but Anna gave her pleading look, which stopped Mrs Baxter and she let herself be led away from the others.

»You need to help me find something, which I hope could prove Thomas’ innocence«, Anna whispered while she led Baxter up to the man’s corridor.

 

Mrs Baxter nodded, »What are we looking for?«

 

»A diary of some sorts. Thomas had kept one, when Goodfellow was still a footman here and his supervisor«, Anna answered and she could see the alarm in the other woman’s eyes, »Why would that be evidence?«

 

»That is along story, which I will tell you while we are searching for that book«, Anna promised and opened the door to Thomas’ room.

 

Please, she prayed. Let it still be here and let us find it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs Hughes

 

 

 

 

 

Alexander looked mortified. Pale as a ghost he sat on the chair shivering. Damn, the poor boy, Mrs Hughes thought.

 

Alexander had found him hiding in the barn and bought him to Mrs Hughes, who was now waiting beside the door of Mr Carson’s office.

 

»Alexander«, Mr Carson rumbled still outraged shutting the door behind him, which left the boy jumping on the chair. Seeing his error in tone, Carson sat down on his chair on the other side of the table so that he wouldn’t seem so intimidating to the scared hallboy. »Alexander, I want to at first apologize for not being able to prevent you getting hurt. I neglected my duties as your supervisor and I cannot possibly say how very sorry I am.«

 

Alexander seemed confused and still refused to look up from the floor. But who could blame him the poor lamb. Mrs Hughes couldn’t rightfully say that she understood what had transpired, but the hallboy was clearly disturbed. She honestly couldn’t picture Thomas doing something like that. The whole situation seemed impossible.

 

As he wasn’t getting any answer, the butler tried again in an even softer tone, »I know that it is difficult to talk about what happened, but I need to know whether you are hurt and we need to call for Dr Clarkson.«

 

Now Alexander looked miserably and shut his eyes as if he were ashamed, but refused to speak.

 

Sharing a quick look with her, Carson attempted a different approach, »Maybe you could just nod or shake your head Alexander. I certainly don’t want to drag this out. We just need some more information to better assess the situation.«

 

Alexander remained silent and unmoving, so Mrs Hughes tried her luck, »Alexander, I promise that no one is angry with you. It wasn’t your fault.«

 

This however made Alexander shake his head. It was at least a reaction, but she couldn’t say how to interpret it. Alexander was clearly petrified and yet, he almost looked guilty, which made her pause.

 

Mr Carson on the other hand saw it as encouragement to press further, »Of course it’s not your fault! You were clearly manipulated by that devil! Even though I must admit to be disappointed that you didn’t think you could trust me to help you. I would have put a stop to Barrow’s advances immediately.«

 

Now Alexander dared to look up although only shortly. What Mrs Hughes saw ascertained her impression that something wasn’t as it seemed. Alexander seemed utterly confused by what Carson had said.

 

The butler didn’t notice this and stressed, »I should have thrown him out years ago! I knew what a foul character he was from the beginning… especially after the whole incident with Goodfellow… and later James!«

 

Goodfellow indeed, Mrs Hughes wondered and thought back on her conversation about said incident. Bates had seemed worried. It was truly a great coincident for this to have happen, after Shepard and Goodfellow coming to Downton…

 

Carson however kept on ranting about Thomas foul nature completely unaware of Alexander getting more and more anxious. »How could I trust a man of his sort?! A thief, a liar and his unnatural inclination… If I had listened to Goodfellow sooner, Barrow wouldn’t had attacked you!«

 

»He didn’t attack me!«, Alexander exclaimed all of a sudden, surprising the both of them.

 

He himself seemed astonished. Swallowing he explained, »I was just hurt and I forced Mr Barrow to have a look at it! He didn’t want to but I didn’t want to go to Dr Clarkson… and I kept begging him to just have a quick look… It really wasn’t his fault…«

 

Mrs Hughes looked perplexed at Alexander, who was shaking and close to tears. If that were true, it would put everything under a new light and one she could believe much easier.

 

Sadly, Carson didn’t buy it, »There is no shame in admitting to being attacked, Alexander. You do not have to lie.«

 

Mrs Hughes was close to roll her eyes. Sometimes he was very small-minded.

 

»I didn’t lie, Mr Carson!«, Alexander stressed, but the butler waved off his comment, »Just tell us what really happened and I put Barrow behind bars. He won’t hurt you any more!«

 

Alexander was starting to cry and kept on shaking his head.

 

»Why didn’t you want to go to Dr Clarkson?«, Mrs Hughes asked, before Carson could intimidate him further.

 

Alexander blushed and whispered, »Because it was… an embarrassing part… where I got hurt…«

 

A thought dawned on Mrs Hughes. Maybe Thomas and Alexander did share something in secret just not with one another. That made a whole lot more sense.

 

Ruefully, she shook her head. Oh, what a mess…

 

»What utter nonsense!« Carson screamed. »Why don’t you just tell the truth. I assure you that you won’t get into trouble.«

 

»Mr Carson«, Mrs Hughes reprimanded the butler, who looked startled by his own outburst and starred at the frightened hallboy. Sighing heavily Carson said, »You may go for now, Alexander. We will talk, when you had some time to calm down.«

 

Mrs Hughes opened the door and ordered, »Mrs Patmore would you keep Alexander some company and Daisy please make some tea!«

 

She waited until Mrs Patmore ushered the hallboy up to her room, before she closed the door again.

 

Mrs Hughes would protect him today from peering eyes and the boy didn’t need to share a room with Alan and Gerald tonight.

 

 

Feeling way too old for this, she turned around to a seething Carson.

 

She couldn’t really blame him. He thought that he had failed Alexander, the servants and the family and the only way of not drowning in self-hate was to point his hate towards someone he had always disliked. »Maybe if I had horsewhipped him more often, he would have turned out differently.«

 

»Mr. Carson!«, exclaimed Mrs. Hughes utterly shocked.

 

The butler ruefully shook his head, »I’m sorry, Mrs. Hughes but it is my duty to protect the ones under my supervision and I cannot simply ignore the suffering of Alexander.«

 

»But Alexander declined that Mr. Barrow has done anything to him«, Mrs Hughes tried to reason with the butler, but to no avail.

 

Carson had made up his mind, »It is obvious that the boy is afraid and good riddance!... The poor boy has any reason to. It isn’t as if Mr. Barrow had not shown in the past that he is beyond manipulation and threatening of others to achieve his goals. I should have done something about this a long time ago, especially after what happened with James!«

 

That again, Mrs Hughes sighed internally and explained not for the first time since then, »James was the one threatening Mr. Barrow with the police!«

 

»Because he was assaulted!«

 

»He was kissed and he led Mr. Barrow on, making him believe that his feelings were reciprocated! Mrs. O’Brien saw to that!«, she reminded him and fought as to not raise her voice.

 

»So, it is alright to kiss someone in his sleep?!« Carson exclaimed scandalized.

 

Now Mrs Hughes did roll her eyes. »Of course not, but it was an unlucky concatenation of circumstances and Mr. Barrow paid dearly for his mistake.«

 

Carson wouldn’t have it. »Mistake? How can a criminal act be a mistake?!«

 

Mrs Hughes felt a migraine coming its way, how she hated his backward kind of thinking. »Oh, good Lord, preserve me! If you really thought that Mr. Barrow was a criminal by simply being that way, why in heavens name did you not call the police on him?«

 

»I should have had! If I had acted appropriately, Alexander would have never been assaulted!« Carson said with so much force that Mrs Hughes feared for his heart.

 

Trying for a calmer tone, she countered, »We do not know who assaulted him.«

 

Carson looked at her affronted, »Who else could it possibly be? He is the only one of that foul nature!«

 

»Mr. Carson…«, Mrs Hughes pressed through her teeth. »I will just pretend I didn’t hear you speak in such a despicable manner.«

 

»Despicable? I…«, he interrupted her, but she stopped his new rant at once, »Wait, before you continue speaking yourself into a rage and think about what we do know. Yes, we know about Mr. Barrow’s inclination and misdeeds, but we also know that he is abhorrent of physical violence and he adores children. In fact, he seemed very protective of Alexander and the boy sought him out for advice as of late.«

 

»But don’t you understand, Mrs. Hughes? He just lured him into a false sense of safety before he attacked him!« Carson pressed for her to see the obvious picture.

 

Mrs Hughes sighed.

 

Unless they couldn’t procure some evidence, she didn’t see Carson accepting anything different than his opinion on the matter.

 

Once more she thought about Goodfellow and Thomas. A suspicion she didn’t want to acknowledge after her talk with Mr Bates was growing in her mind.

 

Why had Goodfellow warned Carson about Thomas’ friendships with Alexander and Andrew?

 

One thing was for sure, Thomas had been furious, when his old superior had come back and started behaving rather strange.

 

She had simply put it off at first as a result of Shepard’s assault on him. It was hard to believe that Goodfellow hadn’t known anything about that man’s business, now that she thought about it.

 

Yet, she had always considered Goodfellow as a friend and an honest man.

 

Said man came into the room apologizing, »I am sorry for the intrusion, Mr Carson, but I informed Lady Mary as ordered and she would like to talk to you and Alexander.«

 

 

»Thank you, Goodfellow, but you ought to be in bed. I will ring for Dr Clarkson right away«, Carson replied concerned for the man, who was holding his arm with a pain-stricken face.

 

Mrs Hughes couldn’t quite share the sentiment, not knowing why, but it scared her. She was missing something. Something vital.

 

 »Maybe you should first speak with Lady Mary on your own and let Alexander calm down«, she suggested, which Carson thankfully agreed to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anna

 

 

 

 

Where on earth is it?!, she thought agitated going through his clothes, while Mrs Baxter was trawling for the damn dairy in his nightstand and writing desk.

 

The poor woman had been close to tears, when Anna had told her what her childhood friend had gone through.

 

Shutting the door of the closet she looked around the room.

 

Nothing, just nothing.

 

Her glance was scanning through the small room until it landed on the bed. She had already looked under the mattress and the bed linens, but there was still one place where she hadn’t searched for it.

Half determined half hoping she pushed the bed aside but found nothing but wooden floor.  Quickly she stepped beside the bed and searched the underside of it but still nothing.

 

Sighing she stayed kneeling on the floor. She had failed him again.

 

Desperation was starting to overcome her, when she heard a weird screeching sound and looked to the floor.

 

Mrs Baxter had stepped beside her and Anna starred at her feet.

 

»Anna?«, Mrs Baxter asked confused, but Anna ushered her to step back and inspected the floor, where she had just been standing.

 

The floor didn’t look different than the rest, but when she knocked on it, there was a different sound.

 

Yes, Anna thought and tried to loosen the wooden broad. Surely enough she could take it up.

 

Triumphantly she took out an old leather book and held it out to Mrs Baxter to see.

 

A relieved smile started to show on Mrs Baxter’s mouth and the two women sat down on the bed.

 

Yet, now that they had found it Anna hesitated.

 

It seemed wrong to read someone’s diary. Such a personal treasure. Had she truly the right to invade Thomas’ privacy in such a way?

 

She shared a look with Mrs Baxter, who nodded encouragingly and she opened the book.

 

This was for Thomas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alexander

 

 

 

 

 

How could he be so dumb?

 

He didn’t dare to cry, as Mrs Patmore was sitting on a chair next to the bed. She had tried to get him to drink some tea or to talk, but Alexander didn’t stir out of his thoughts.

 

Over and over he saw the events of last evening and this morning play out. His nervous happiness of sharing something so intimate with Harry. Their damn incompetence in preparing. His forsaken plea to Mr Barrow and their discovery.

 

It was all his fault.

 

Maybe if he hadn’t just run and explained it to Mr Carson, everything would be alright? Yet, Mr Barrow had insisted that the butler didn’t know mercy with people like them. He wouldn’t have believed his story of a simple wound, but the truth?...

 

Telling the truth was unthinkable.

 

After a gentle knock Mrs Hughes stepped into her room.

 

»Are you feeling any better, Alexander?«, she asked softly and sat down beside him on the bed. It was strange being in Mrs Hughes’ room, let alone sitting on her bed. He felt like he was committing a crime – yet again.

 

Mrs Hughes frowned at his silence and pressed, »I know that all this must be scary, but we are here to help you. It is however important for us to understand what had transpired in order to know how to act appropriately.«

 

That was certainly true, but Alexander seemed to be able to do was blushing and looking down on the floor.

 

Was this the end?

 

Would he be put into prison?

 

He doubted that he would survive that and even if he did… his life was over, if they knew what he was…

 

Despite his best effort to be strong, he felt tears running down his face.

 

»You know Alexander, Mr Barrow told me once about his inclination, because he was desperate and needed a friend to listen«, he heard Mrs Hughes say and he looked up. »He was in dire need of help and someone did help him. I’m willing to listen and to help you, no matter what you tell me.«

 

Oh God… Mr Barrow…

 

How could he do that to his friend. He must be furious with him and rightfully so. It was his own cowardness that discriminated his dearest and his only friend. They thought Mr Barrow to be monster just because he helped him. How scared he must be.

 

»Mr Barrow listened. No one had ever listened…«, Alexander finally started to explain in defence of the underbutler. »He is my friend. He helped me… He would never harm me…«

 

But Alexander had harmed him in a way…

 

Desperate Alexander implored the housekeeper, »Please, Mrs Hughes, you can’t allow them to call the police. Mr Barrow hadn’t done anything! He doesn’t deserve to be punished and put in prison!«

 

Mrs Hughes seemed unbelievable sad, when she replied, »I’m afraid that Mr Barrow hadn’t had that faith in us… He had likewise run away.«

 

»He did what?!«, Alexander exclaimed shocked.

 

Mrs Hughes soberly replied, »Mr Carson wanted to call the police, but Lady Mary wanted to hear your side of the story first. They are still arguing about it in the library. Not that there is much to argue. After all, Mr Goodfellow had seen it too and mentioned that Mr Barrow had made advances on you and Andrew.«

 

Furious and scarred for his friend at the same time, Alexander stood up, almost screaming, »No! No, he did not! No, that isn’t right… He is my friend… He… I have to help him. It was my fault. All of it!«

 

At his last words, he sprinted passed the two women out of the room.

 

He had to save his friend. He had to…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anna

 

 

 

 

I had abandoned him. Good Lord. She had…

 

Mrs Baxter reopened the book at the beginning. There was a drawing of her like an ironic it seemed to mock her.

»Isn’t it beautiful? He had liked you very much«, Mrs Baxter whispered.

 

Her words were like a dagger in her heart.

 

She had known what it was like to be abused by someone who was supposed to protect you and yet…

 

She hadn’t helped him. It had been easier to believe the adults. Brushing of her doubts and continuing to be happy for the first time in her life.

 

It had been easier to look away… God help her.

 

But it wasn’t just the drawings and the texts of Goodfellow which had changed. No, they all changed, even the ones about her.

 

_Anna has such an infectious smile. I wished she would smile more often. The funny thing is that she says the same about me. I guess are both just not used to have reasons to smile. But that will change. We are safe here. We have each other._

_I have a friend. Isn’t that amazing?_

 

The loving words and the detailed drawings had slowly turned to desperation, anger and helplessness.

 

_She looks different at me like she is sad and disappointed. Why should she be sad? She has friends. Everybody likes her. No and then she asks whether I am okay or chastises me. Often I found myself wanting to scream at her._

_We were friends. Why did she just believe him? Why didn’t she trust me more?_

 

It went on and on.

 

Anna felt lost.

 

»You didn’t know«, she heard Mrs Baxter say, but what comfort was that?

 

»He was my first friend as well and I abandoned him«, she countered fighting the tears.

 

Mrs Baxter handed her the diary and said, »You can choose to help him now. Don’t abandon him now.«

 

Anna looked down on the book in her hands and made a decision.

 

Standing up she replied, »Come on. Let’s fight in the right corner.«


	14. Recognition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this update comes rather late. My apologies.
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely comments and kudos, they make my day!
> 
> Please mind the warnings. If you are easily triggered, please lookat the notes below first.

Thomas

 

 

 

 

My head, Geez…

 

What had happened?

 

Rubbing his head Thomas tried to sit up.

 

Everything was swirling before his eyes for a few minutes, when he saw where he was.

 

What the actual fuck?

 

He was in some kind of small cage and for the look of it in a basement. No window, one door and the typical moist and cold atmosphere of a basement. The sole source of light was a single light-bulb.

 

Yet, what made Thomas skin crawl was not the basement or the cage he found himself in, it was the table with the straps and the tools on a smaller table next to the other one, as well as a machine that looked way too familiar to Thomas.

 

He started to panic, when he remembered the last time, he had found himself bound to such a table. Electrotherapy – there was no therapeutic element in it.

 

The question was, what did they want to achieve and who were _they_ …

 

This was definitely not a police station or anything like it.

 

The thought let Thomas remember something Napier had said… something about that Shepard hadn’t worked alone.

 

Oh, God in heaven!, Thomas cursed. He had just assumed that Goodfellow was the only other psychopath working with that mad men.

 

Apparently, that had been a mistake – a grave one at that.

 

Freaking great! Was there no fucking end to this madness?! Wasn’t it enough that he had to flee from his home and was likely put to prison for helping a scared teenager?!

 

The sound of the door opening stopped his inner turmoil and he looked warily at the three men entering the room. He didn’t recognize anyone, but their disdain on their faces made it obvious that whatever was about to happen was personal.

 

Thomas just prayed that it wouldn’t get too personal. A foolish hope considering the circumstances, but hope was all he got at this point.

 

Without a word they dragged him out of the cell and despite his best efforts he couldn’t put up much resistance with his head still turning circles. Thus, he found himself bound to the ceiling with his feet barely touching the ground.

 

»What are you doing…« Thomas meant to ask, but his question was stopped by a fist in his face. Ok, Thomas decided, they weren’t into talking.

 

His ears were ringing, while they methodically started to cut of his clothes off him. Thomas couldn’t decide whether he wanted to know what would follow or not. Neither seemed appealing.

Once the clothes were all lying ruined on the floor, Thomas felt his growing panic overpowering and he began to shiver, not due to the cold but the fear. He was hanging naked in some kind of dungeon-alike basement with three potentials psychopaths and no one would bother looking for him. No one would even care, if they hurt him…

 

So, when the men came nearer and began to touch him Thomas tried to shriek away from them, screaming, »Stop it! Leave me…«

 

Another fist landed in his stomach.

 

The men didn’t care for him and just continued to run their fingers over his bare skin. Strangely enough, they weren’t scratching or in any way attempting to hurt him – quite the opposite. They were stroking him, almost petting him like a cat, which made the whole experience way worse. He would have preferred it, if they had hit him to be honest. Pain he could understand, but this? This was weird and embarrassing and he wanted them to stop.

 

»Please, stop…« Thomas pleaded, which was answered with another hit to the side.

 

Thomas had to gulp back vomit, when one of them started to stroke his cock, while another was caressing his nipples and the other was running his finger in circles over his hole.

 

Oh, please just stop, Thomas pleaded in his head and closed his eyes as if to shut them out.

 

No one was making a sound.

 

Except for his whimpers, there was only silence.

 

It was scary in its totality.

 

It was freighting.

 

Thomas tried to zone out like had learned how to do with Goodfellow as a teenager. No emotions meant no hurting and dreams of a peaceful day became an escape from reality.

The problem was that Thomas had come to fear that feeling of being there and not being there long after Goodfellow had left Downton. The feeling signified helplessness and desperation. Two things Thomas had tried to avoid ever since.

Now the feeling was almost as frightening to him as their actions. So, he just tried to steel himself and to remain calm. He would get out of here. At some point, he comforted himself, they would make a mistake and he could escape…

 

It seemed like hours before they stopped and took him back into the cage again. The cage felt all of a sudden like a relief. At least he hadn’t been electrocuted and for now… they were gone.

 

But Thomas had no illusions whether or not they would be back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alexander

 

 

 

 

Alexander run right into the library, determined to do whatever was necessary to help his friend.

 

Opening the door, he run past a confused Andrew, while Mr Carson shouted, »Alexander! What on earth do you think you’re doing?!«

 

But he couldn’t let the butler stop him and so he just run right to Lady Mar, who was seated next her mother. Catching his breath he blurted out, »I’m terribly sorry, My Lady. I know this is inappropriate, but you cannot call the police on Mr Barrow!... There has been a misunderstanding!«

 

»Stop this nonsense this instant, Alexander«, Mr Carson demanded again and stepped closer.

 

Lady Mary however seemed more curious than scandalized, which gave him hope to continue, »Please My Lady. Please listen to me. No one else seems to listen and it is important. I tried to say the truth, but I was too scared to really say anything…«

 

»Alexander, I know you went through a lot, but this is no way…«, Mr Carson started to say, but Lady Mary interrupted him. »I would like to hear what you have to say, Alexander. I heard much of what supposedly had transpired last night and I am truly sorry that you had to go through something this horrible. Although I have trouble imagining Mr Barrow doing something like that to be honest, but I will be open to anything you say.«

 

Mr Carson wanted speak up, yet Lady Marry shut him down with nothing but a look and Alexander steeled himself for what he had to do.  »I… I was ashamed, My Lady. I was just… too scared to say anything… But it isn’t right… it isn’t right for Thomas to be punished.«

 

»Listen, Alexander. I already told you that none of what happened was your fault. You did not encourage him or anything. Thomas manipulated you…« Mr Carson intervened and Alexander raised his voice in frustration, »No, that is not what happened!«

 

Shaking his head Mr Carson spoke to him like scared child, »Alexander, you are still very young and you don’t understand yet…«

 

»But I know what happened, Mr Carson! Why is no one listening?«, Alexander almost shouted.

 

»I listen, Alexander.« Lady Marry interrupted them silencing the butler with a stern look. »Please, tell me what happened.«

 

Swallowing Alexander took courage and started to path the way to his own downfall. »You see, My Lady, I know what I will say will shock and disgust you… and I will probably be fired or put into prison, but Thomas saved me and I can’t let him suffer, because I’m too afraid to say the truth…«

 

»You prefer males as well, don’t you?« Lady Mary offered in his silence, leaving her mother to chastise her, »Mary!«

 

Deeply ashamed he looked down on the floor, whispering the words that would end his life, »Yes, My Lady…«

 

For a few seconds Alexander envisioned their disgusted faces and waited for the horrific fallout… but instead of scandalized screams for the police he heard the soft voice of Lady Mary saying, »Don’t worry, Alexander, we won’t put you on the streets for that, not as long as I have a thing to say about it.«

»Or me«, Lady Grantham agreed and Alexander looked up, stunned by the warm and understanding faces of two Ladies.

 

Mr Carson was flabbergasted and tried to impose his perspective on the only person left in the room, who he had power over, which was Alexander. »You don’t want to tell us that it was consensual?!«

 

»No, of course not«, Alexander said outraged about the butler’s conception, but yet, again Lady Mary silenced the butler and urged him on to explaining the situation. »Don’t listen to him. Talk to me.«

 

Thankful for her help, Alexander was finally able to tell the truth, however scary it might be. »One day… Mr Barrow saw me with someone. We were… careless and were it not for Mr Barrow a couple of farmhands would have seen us and… He protected us that day and cautioned us what could happen, if people saw, but he did not say anything to anyone and…«

 

The emotions of the last couple of hours were taking their toll and Alexander had to fight not to start crying in front of Ladies. What he said was probably more than enough in terms of scandal and he certainly didn’t want to embarrass himself any further.

 

Trying to appear calm, he continued with his story. »I never could talk to anyone about it. I know that it must sound silly but… My parents don’t want me at home anymore. Their scared I infect my brother… I was always alone with it. Always… and Mr Barrow did not judge or ignored me, when I came to him for advice. He actually talked with me about it like it were normal… not wrong or improper… It just felt so good to talk to him and not only about that. It was just nice to talk about anything, My Lady… just normal things, like about books or work. For the first time I… did not have to pretend… I could just be me.«

 

Once more Lady Mary surprised him, when she gave him a encouraging smile. »That doesn’t sound silly at all, Alexander. It was very nice of Mr Barrow to lend you an ear.«

Even Lady Grantham nodded. »I quite agree. Please go on.«

»Yesterday I injured myself… at a part of me that I didn’t want anyone to see not even Dr Clarkson… It was just something really private and I was afraid to just leave it and…«

 

»And then you asked Mr Barrow to help you?« Lady Grantham inquired and Alexander nodded, »He didn’t want to due to the place of the wound, but I kept pushing him to help me and I was beginning to panic… It was in that moment, when he finally agreed to take a look, if I consent to got to the doctor, would it be necessary… it was then that Mr Carson and Mr Goodfellow stormed in and I just panicked and run away…«

 

»You were very brave to tell the truth«, Lady Grantham offered reassuringly and Alexander couldn’t but ask, »You believe me, My Lady?«

 

»Yes«, she answered. »Mr Barrow never seemed to me the type for such a terrible thing anyway.«

 

»I quite agree, the question is how to find him again. He must be scared out of his mind«, Lady Mary ventured and Alexander was both relived and frightened for his friend.

 

Mr Carson remained silent, while the Ladies tried to think of a way to find Mr Barrow. The butler didn’t seem happy or even convinced. It seemed that Mr Barrow had been right, after all. The old man really didn’t care for the truth, not in relation to people like them.

 

In that moment Anna stepped inside. The maid was out of breath and run directly towards Lady Mary leaving Mr Carson to reprimand her, »Anna?! What is the meaning of this?!«

 

»I’m sorry, Mr Carson, but this can’t wait.« Anna said in passing and directed her full attention towards Lady Mary, who looked mildly surprised by the further commotion.

Anna gave her an old leather book. »This is Mr Barrow’s diary. I just found it under his bed.«

 

»Anna!«, Mr Carson exclaimed shocked, but Anna continued, »He started it, when he came to Downton and ended it about a year into him working here. It proofs that Mr Barrow was…«

She halted seemingly unsure of how to continue, until she swallowed and said with a voice that allowed no doubts, »That book showcases how Mr Barrow was abused by Mr Goodfellow, when he was still first footman here.«

 

At the following stunned silence Anna explained everything she knew about the abuse and her husband’s investigation.

 

With every word the library seemed to become more quiet. Like someone had taken all other sound out of the world except Anna’s voice.

 

It was a horrific tale and Alexander couldn’t believe the pain his friend had suffered.

 

Alexander was shocked and couldn’t find the words to voice his emotions. Quite in contrast to the butler, who was livid. »Lies! That is just a fairy tale.«

 

»It’s not a lie«, Alexander said with conviction and the butler starred at him in disbelieve. He couldn’t really believe his own bravery, but there was a point when enough was enough. Turning to face his superior for the first time, Alexander took courage in knowing the truth of his words. »I have witnessed some of Mr Goodfellow’s behavior towards Mr Barrow. He continued to threaten and force himself on him, when they were alone. I even advised him to tell you, Sir, but Mr Barrow was certain that you wouldn’t believe him. So, Mr Barrow tried to keep an eye on us hallboys and reminded me not to be alone with him at any time, as Mr Goodfellow had begun to take interest in me since Mr Barrow is my friend.«

 

»Mr Goodfellow also kept on spreading rumors about Mr Barrow among the servants just like he did back then«, Anna added solemnly but gave him a proud smile.

 

Mr Carson looked at him in horror shaking his head. Alexander felt pity for the butler. It must be very hard to learn one had wronged another person in such a way.

 

The two Ladies were silent looking at each other as if someone had explained to them that snow was hot. It seemed impossible that something like that could happen in their home. But wasn’t that the whole problem, Alexander thought bitter. No one had dared to take a second look on a frightened boy that had needed their help and protection. Just because evil didn’t scream ‘here I am’ didn’t mean it doesn’t exist and closing one’s eyes because it is easier to pretend that everything is as it should be doesn’t erase the suffering of those, who can’t close their eyes on the problem because it is happening to them.

 

After a few minutes of silence Carson apparently had decided to look away again. »No! We can’t just believe Thomas’ words over Mr Goodfellow’s. Mr Goodfellow was always a reliable and modest worker. Nothing of that can be said about Thomas! My Lady cannot believe this nonsense?!« His eyes pleaded with Lady Mary, who seemed shocked.

 

It was clear that she did believe in Thomas’ innocence regarding the incident with him, but to accept that her friend had made such a horrible mistake was something else entirely.

 

»I do believe him.« A voice startled everyone and Mr Carson was stunned to see Lord Grantham entering the room. It was obvious that he had just come back and he seemed furious.

Uncertain about the turn of events the butler asked, »My Lord?!«

 

»Bates had informed me and I came right back. I don’t want that sordid bastard in my house!« Lord Grantham replied, leaving the butler to go pale as a ghost stuttering, »But, My Lord… it can’t be right. It can’t be…«

 

Coming to stand in front of Mr Carson Lord Grantham continued in a more softer tone, »I’m sorry, Carson. I know you only had the best intention, but you were wrong and to be plain you should have consulted with me in such a case.«

 

Mr Carson however couldn’t dare to accept it. His whole belief was hanging on a thread and he wasn’t prepared to just let it go, »But, Thomas hasn’t just manipulated Alexander, My Lord. He even tried it with Andrew.«

 

»That is not true, Mr Carson«, Andrew said from the door and stepped further into the room.

 

Truth be told, Alexander had completely forgotten that Andrew was standing at the door.

 

Swallowing Andrew blushed and continued, »Mr Barrow had helped me in a private matter, I didn’t want anyone to know about. I was ashamed, but I can’t let Mr Barrow be punished for simply helping me.«

 

»Go on, Andrew«, Lord Grantham encouraged the footman, who nodded.

 

Taking a big breath, he confessed, »I can’t… read or write, My Lord. A problem Mr Barrow became aware of and offered his assistance in teaching me. That is the reason why I was found in Mr Barrow’s room often as of late.«

 

»Thank you for your honesty, Andrew«, Lady Grantham replied and gave him a sad smile. She was obviously overwhelmed by the revelations and Alexander felt pretty much the same way.

 

»I would like to speak with Mr Barrow as well as Goodfellow«, Lord Grantham ordered. He of course didn’t know about Mr Barrow’s flight.

 

His daughter’s face was obviously pained by the revelation made today as well and explained, »Sadly, Mr Barrow run away after he was accused of abusing Alexander, which he clearly didn’t do as Alexander had stressed.«

 

Lord Grantham was flabbergasted, »Run away?! Damn it…«

Turning towards Mr Carson he ordered, »Get me Goodfellow here now!«

 

Nodding the butler left to carry out his order, leaving a very sorry group of people feeling miserable and not knowing what to do.

 

At least Lord Grantham believed Mr Barrow, Alexander thought and felt a great relief. Finally, the underbutler would find justice as much as was possible. Alexander wasn’t sure how much the Lord could actually do without discrediting Mr Barrow, but he was certain that Lord Grantham would think of something – and that he would agree with Lady Marry in not calling the police on him as well.

 

In the meantime, Lady Grantham was informing her husband on the prior events, while Lady Mary was reading the diary with trembling hands. She seemed completely shocked by the content.

 

At least, they didn’t need to wait long, as Mr Carson was hurrying back to the library in obvious distress. »My Lord!«

 

»Carson, where is he?!« Lord Grantham demanded and Mr Carson answered unsettled, »He isn’t here, My Lord. We are looking for him, but he seemed to have left Downton shortly after Alexander had run to the library with a bag. A maid had witnessed how he first ran back to his room and then ran out on the yard.«

 

»Cora, call the police!«, Lord Grantham said furious, but Lady Mary cautioned, »On what charges? We still have to keep Thomas wellbeing in mind. We cannot risk him getting discovered, because Goodfellow discredited him as homosexual or something. Remember, we only have a diary and Thomas words that isn’t enough for charges.«

 

Grunting Lord Grantham conceded, »You are right, of course… but we can’t just let that bastard get away.«

 

»Maybe Mr Napier finds something regarding his cooperation with Shepard«, Lady Grantham wondered and her husband sighed defeated, »That seems to be our only hope… The question is how to find Mr Barrow. The poor sod must be terrified.«

 

»It is true, then?«, a small voice startled all.

 

Mr Carson was starring right at his hands shaking, »He told the truth… and I punished him for it?... I… I didn’t protect him… I made it even worse… Lord help me…«

 

No one knew what to say to him, except that Lady Marry ushered him to sit, before he fainted. Yet, she had tears in her eyes, when she looked at the butler. It seemed like a world had shattered for both of them and neither knew how to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains non-con and torture. Someone is caged, beaten and touched intimately without that person's permission.


End file.
